Raining Red
by NengethAmbre221
Summary: Out of the five stages of grief one experiences when a loved one dies, Denial is known as the first to show its face. By denying the event even happened, it is supposed to help someone continue living day by day. It's an excuse. Winning isn't winning. It's losing everything. It makes you see red... So much red.. [SEQUEL TO RAINING GREY - T for language OCxFinnick / OCxSeneca Crane]
1. Chapter 1

_**ITS HERE... Hello my wonderful followers, readers, and favourites alike! I'm back with the sequel to Raining Grey: Raining Red. It's taken me so long ot write this because I wanted it to be post-Games, but not exactly as Katniss had gone through it. Thank you for following and favouriting to all! I'll tag you in the next one, but I wanted to get this posted ASAP!**_

 _ **Enjoy it!**_

 _ **-Miche**_

* * *

 _ **Chapter 1: Gloves and Masks**_

There was a bright light.

When it faded in seconds, I felt the hot water begin to cool on my face from the temperature change. A burning sensation over my eyebrow and temple hurt like hell and didn't go away. The same feeling was on my arms and back. Shock changed to fear as the bright light said two things: I was dead, or saved.

I coughed and choked to breathe as the water had filled my chest just seconds before. The burning and pressure in my chest was relieved instantly as something was put over my mouth and nose to remove the excess water. A face mask of sorts. It vacuumed the liquid and air from my lungs and left me gasping for life.

"Congratulations!" Deary's voice cheered while black dots floated momentarily.

My eyes opened fully to reveal the room I had previously been loaded from when the games began. It was my prepping room. My wet-suit was more burned off and missing than actually covering my body. I hadn't noticed it before due to the fact I was about to die, but just now it gave me slight anxiety seeing what that heat had done to me. I didn't want to think of the others right now at all.

But I had just seen them minutes and hours before. How could so many people be dead so quickly?

I knew I must be hallucinating when saw someone else in the room. Just a simple glimpse and I saw the woman. She had longer brown hair that had been braided back and let out slightly. It clung to her skin, wet and hot, and scorched in specific spots. There was steam coming from behind her and it was revealed she had severe burns along her back, arms , and face partially. I almost felt where those burns were on my own face.

 _Almost as if they were my own._

The first face I saw was Deary's. Her expression went from relaxed and greatful to paniced and scared. Her eyes were on my chest. Then I saw the medical team ready to take care of me. They all rushed around pounding on me, struggling to ask me questions on my feelings, that it was okay, and that I need to move this way and that. A freezing cold spray covered my chest, and made me gasp. Every one of them had different skin colours like a pinkish mauve and jade green, and hair styles with chunks missing, and piercings everywhere. Piercings all over. Sickly, green, masked faces and rubber gloves filled my vision along with the gagging smell of rubber, disinfectant, and sugar. I was struggling to understand my surroundings. Was this a dream and I was dead? I wasn't sure anymore.

I couldn't tell how much time had passed. They had gotten me down the long hall and into an elevator once stabilizing me from coughing. It would take me to the medical center just below us where they would stabilize me further, and transfer me to one of the highest ranking hospitals in the Capitol. I was being drugged and stuck with many different needles, while also cleansed where I stood. It smelt of plastic, fake flowers, and peroxide as I walked. Instead of the salt water and smoky rock which had filled my lungs the last week and a half, the perfumes of the Capitol choked me.

Was this real? How was I alive when Grey...

 _..._

 _...no._

"RAIN!" a voice screamed as the doors were shutting. My own breath felt like it was stabbing me right in the chest as it sharply left me. That voice I recognized. The others around me had noticed it as well and looked in the direction, still going on with their jobs. My widened eyes found the face, not caring they removed the knife and froze my wounds seconds before, not caring if he hit anyone over. His body slipped through the jerking elevator doors as the arms of the one person I had left and cared about so dearly enveloped me.

He fell to his knees as I had myself wrapped around him, just holding as tight as possible. I couldn't believe I would ever be so happy to see him. He was real. He was alive and here. Everything would ease with time so long as he was right here with me.

"F-F..." I couldn't breathe. My heart had been ripped out. Grey was... He wasn't coming home. I'd never see him again. I'd never see his smile, or his little hunch, or hear his comforting voice again. Finnick held me tighter than ever right now. He noticed when I did that I couldn't get my breath in and eased off, but I needed the closeness and pressure to keep me grounded. The world around me was discoloured as my chest refused to take in anything other than pain.

All I wanted to do was just to be there for the rest of time. My head in his hands, I felt him kissing my forehead and holding me close to his heart. I didn't care what others thought about me, or that he did what he did to survive. We both had our faults now, and I didn't care. My body shook from being so scared to relieved as he was right here. I was going to die and I would have never seen him again. I'd never tell him he meant the world to me.

"I tried making them get you faster, I'm sorry!" I looked at him, terrified at what I realized again. My hands touched his face. His crying face. He was crying? Was this real? Was he really here and was I alive? Grey was here-... Gone-they were all gone-It was me-I killed them... Me...

"Finnick... He's dead? They're all dead?! They're all dead..." Was all I could whisper as I shook. Fear and horror of what I'd been through rushed through my body. My veins felt like ice and my face was on fire. My throat swelled and croaked in agony. I couldn't take this pain. Not this, anything but this feeling of being so utterly alone. "They're all dead!" I could only gasp for air, but tears never fell from my stinging wide eyes.

"I know, I know... I'm sorry..." He chanted in my ear. We were only in the elevator for a few moments before I felt arms pulling me away. His warmth was replaced by the cold gloved hands of the nurses who cared for me only minutes ago. They were taking me from my solution to insanity. Why were they keeping me from him?

"Finnick they're dead! What do I do?! What do I do-o!?" he looked about as panicked as I felt. No! He was supposed to help me! He helped more than any medicine or treatment.

I shouted at him. "NO! NO! FINNICK!" He was contemplated as he watched me being dragged away. I must be going insane because i lost all feeling in my body. Like I was watching the situations unfolding from the side. I knew how I was acting and it was insane how I fought back. Reacting negatively to the simple things wasn't unknown to me, but not having control was foreign completely. I didn't know what to do, I had no control.

"I'm sorry!" he was upset, face contorting as tears formed. The men were taking me from him, they couldn't do that! No, I needed him... I tried defending myself to get to him, but the stronger men only hit me back when I elbowed one in the face. He grabbed my arm, being much bigger than I and jerked it behind my back, making me walk as I screamed. "Don't touch her!" The same guard was almost on the floor from receiving a punch. Finnick went to finish him when more guards came and pulled him away.

"FINNICK! Finn! Finn-nick..." The second time I started fighting, I felt a small pressure on my left arm and soon things felt light and airy. They floated around me as I saw the ground approaching. "Don't hu-rt... They-y're all dea... dead..." and darkness overtook me.

... ...

.. ..

When everything came back, My physical feelings were first. I didn't remember where I was, but the pain of needles and advanced healing processors echoed on my skin. It was tender in places, mostly where I'd been burned by the lava and fire. But, wasn't I just in the arena? The memories followed.

Wait...

Deary and Nurses helped me...

I came from the platform, and the elevators, I was drugged...

...

Finnick!

My self awareness shocked my eyes open as I saw bright white walls around me. There were beeping machines that increased in tempo, other flashing machines in the room I lay in, and the bed sheets were papery. Things clouded from a mask over my nose and mouth, hiding some visuals around me. It was choking me to have so many things around my face and neck, so I ripped them off. However with those things was something taped on my neck. It re-opened a wound I had for I felt the sting and warmth of what i assumed would be blood.

I was still noticing my panic.

"Ow..." I whispered. My own voice was scratched and sore from screaming previously. More sensory nerves came on as I felt a heart monitors sticky pad on my chest and ribs. My arms had a tube or two in it taped down. Clear and other liquids seemed to come in, as none of them were red as blood. The room held cabinets and curtains, all white, and even those sanitizing stations at the door for people coming in and out.

Someone walked passed my door. I saw their shadow pass through the fogged glass. Another person and another. I was definitely in a hospital of sorts, whether in the capitol or not. I heard the rustle from beyond and struggled to rise, feeling my stomach muscles argue. They strained to allow me up and hurt mostly on my right side where the scorcia had got me. It burned and stung.

The door opened. A man in a white lab coat entered with another male nurse who had more clear filled bags to replace the ones in my arms. He checked a few things notifying his clipboard I was conscious and sitting up.

"Hello Rain, I am Dr. Giatros. How are you feeling?" How was I feeling? What the hell! How would he have any comprehension to how I was 'feeling'?! How the hell did I even know considering I was just drugged and yanked away from someone who helped?

"What the fuck kind of a question is that?" No filter. Oh, well I guess being a winner does that to someone. He looked surprised at my response. I was, too.

"Quite the fisherman's mouth. Are you in any physical pain you need to notify us about?"

"Is he outside at all? I am still in the Capitol right?" I tried getting up off the bed, but the male nurse only helped me stay on, against my own wishes.

"You are, but I can request he be brought in so you do not need to get up. We need you sitting in order to heal properly as the new synthetic skin adjusts to your genetic chemicals." Giatros saw more confusion on my face. "We had to replace some of your skin from the burns the lava caused on your arms, neck, face and back. ANd you had to undergo quiet the surgery for that wound you inflicted on yourself." His smile made me nauseous.

"Please, can I just see him for a moment? Just so he knows I'm okay."

"You are you requesting?" I kept resisting the man's orders to stay down, getting squashed down by him as he tried keeping the tubes and wires on me. Giatros then hit a silent call alarm the left of the door. It was a small white button that blended in with the walls, yet with a good eye, one could see it. "Ms. Troute, to whom shall we send for?"

"Finnick. Odair. Please, He's-"

"Oh I am quite aware of your affiliations with him." He had the look of someone who knew a secret of you that you should know.

"What affiliations?" I pushed away the arms of the nurse. "I'm fine!" He kept directing me to sit down. Yes I stumbled a bit, but was still able to stand. With help from my bedside and heart monitor.

"You two are together aren't you?" what happened while I was in the arena? I know we had kissed just before this, after I was rescued, but still. Dr. Giatros noticed my confusion. He checked over his clipboard more so as I tried walking. A pain in my left side forced me to haunch and grab at the piercing sting. "If you could remain in your bed, Ms. Troute-"

"No, I need to see him, please."

"We can send for him if he is available-"

"He was the one waiting for me to get out. I don't see why I can't just go and see him-"

"Please remain in your bed, Ms. Troute-"

"I have been asking kindly the past three times, now let me go!" the nurse had a hold on my arm as I recoiled from the machines. He wasn't really a match for me. And I wasn't being arrogant in saying that, this man was smaller height wise and muscle wise than me. He was fuller, but not in strength. I could take him and Giatros knew it. That is why he hit the alarm.

"You need to calm down-"

"You need to shut the fuck up-!" suddenly, two other nurses came through. they looked to have dealt with complicated patients being taller and sturdier than I and having gloves on their hands. I wasn't crazy or infected with a contagious disease, I just wanted to see Finnick. It wasn't too much to ask for.

They argued with me on siting or not.

"Ms. Troute if you would sit-"

"We could help you further if you would lie down-"

"Stop touching me! No! I just want to see Finnick!" One nurse pushed me toward the bed with her hands on my shoulders the other rummaging through cabinets for chemicals to calm me. "Let me go!" I pushed her and fell backwards on the cords near the bed. The monitor beeped crazily as I fell and hit my head. Now, dizzy, the nurses helped me get up, but didn't release their grips on me as I fought.

Dr. had a visitor who whispered something to him before leaving. "Ms. Troute, Mr. Odair is in a meeting." No. Why would Snow do that to him. "He is unavailable to speak with you or see you for the next few hours at the least." Everything calmed as I heard the heart monitor beep increase also letting the words sank in. He was in a meeting. That could mean either he really was, or he was in a 'meeting'. That was his punishment him for wanting to keep me safe. For him having a heart for something other than the Capitol.

* * *

xxxx{ }xxxx

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After they drugged me I stayed in my bed from then on. There wasn't a rush for me to leave now that I knew where he was. He would come for me. right?

The same thing over and over again. Her brother told her she was in danger. She didn't listen and got into trouble with the villain. He had to go undercover and help save her. But wait! plot twist: she isn't his sister, she is his cousin! AND he is in love with her!

All that was on the televisions were stupid soap operas and other 'reality shows' on the famous celebrities in the capitol. Trey Gypsum was now on a home design show, since his days of hosting the games was over, and the escorts of each district had their own talk show after the games leading to Deary and her victorious tribute. She blabbed about her technique she told her victor about and how she was the one who really influenced them to win. It was half way through that I remembered It was me she was referring to. That is why I turned the tv off.

I had been bedridden for the past two days as I slipped in and out of sleep from the drugs they now gave me. After my incident, they kept me on a depressant to ensure I didn't try and escape any further. If I struggled to remove anything, it would administer even more to put me to sleep. Therefore I slept quite a bit.

The first time I looked in the mirror was when they took the IV's from me. Other nurses came in to keep me there as I rose and walked over to the bathroom, one helping me as my legs were asleep. I had demanded I see myself as soon as they notified me I'd leave the next day for home. Dr. Giatros let me stand.

I looked to see someone else looking back at me. It was me, but not reflecting how I felt. My hair was cut a few inches due to damage the fires caused, and my face had pink scars here and there. My left brow had no hair growing on one spot: Where Solar had sliced me with his sword. Dr. told me every tribute kept one scar to remind them of what they went through. Keeping my eyebrow scar would keep me in line.

A smaller scar on my eye forehead told me where the lava had shot. More were speckled on my face as though some skin coloured, paint filled balloon had popped near me and got on my face. My fingers brushed over them as I remembered a bubble of lava spraying at me. My arm had taken most of it, pink covering the entire outside of it. I removed my coat, but in my rush I hadn't noticed my face being damaged as well.

The face looking at me began to cry. The same I felt the warm tears fall from my eyes as I saw them fall from hers. No one would love me like this. I was a murderer and an ugly victor. Finnick would never look at me the same way. He did see me before this, when he tried rescuing me. That was before I was healed a bit, when I was still bleeding and burning. But I wasn't the same then.

Dr. spoke to me as I watched myself. He said to rub an ointment on my face as later on they'd take me to my final healing. There, I would be freed from all these imperfections. A scanner would heal my skin and "strengthen the beauties of it," his words not mine.

I didn't ask about Finnick. I knew he'd tell me he was busy or in another meeting. It was useless asking if it would only be the same thing over and over.

After the Scanner, I was bright again to Leo in a design room where fabrics and a roughly stitched dress hung.

"Ah! My beauty!" he kissed my face, still tender from the treatment. "We have a big interview for you tonight!"

* * *

Now we know Rain survived, whats going to happen next?

Review with your ideas if you wish! Ooooootherwise I shoud be posting again next week.

-Miche


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry this is a day later than usual, but I promise to keep to every Tuesday with updating!**

 **Love y'all!**

 **-Miche**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 2: Showing off**_

"As my first introduction of my career as host, may I present the Victor of the Seventy-Second Hunger Games... Miss Rain Brook Troute!"

The crowd beyond the blinding lights cheered madly for me as I stepped out on stage. My dress had a slit up my right leg allowing me to walk with ease in the stilettos Leo forced me in. They were a deep blue and matched my nails. My dress had crystals along the entire bodice to my thighs where it changed material to a layered scaly tulle; blue like the clear waters of home. My hair was curled and fitted with small braids here and there. Shells were embedded and starfish glittered in place of clips to keep my face clear and open for observation.

I forced a smile with ease as they cheered my name, waving when someone said "I LOVE YOU!" Caesar Flickerman was now the Hunger Games Host who for the next ten years would conduct the interviews and coverage of all drama and news in the games. He'd give viewers inside scoops on the lives of Victors, clues to who the game maker would plan for the next next year, and so much more.

"Rain Troute! Ha ha haa!" He cheered with his yellow slicked back hair and matching suit. Flickerman allowed me a bow before joining me to sit on the white chairs set up. They were different from our interview chairs before the games. Those had been made of a leathery material. These were clothed in white, soft, and more permanent, representing my new status in Four. "Rain, rain, RAIN! You are bea-U-TI-ful!" A few more whistles from some fans interrupted him once everyone quieted.

"Thank you Caesar! I've been told I resemble my mother in her youth." He laughed as I just smiled, hiding the fact I detested everything about his man. He had helped in bringing news about the games, and had been the first to being the rumors of Finnick and me being in love. Regardless if they were true or not, he was someone I couldn't trust.

"Well, your father must be a lucky man to have her as his wife." Everyone laughed. "So, how does it feel to be a Victor?" My mic was taped through my hair and on my head, picking up every breath and noise I made. It would be challenging to hide _everything_.

"Well, it's different. I'm not use to these many people knowing my name, much less recognize me in a crowd." They responded as I wanted them to, with humor. "But it's nice to know this many people cared enough for me to help me win, Thank you!" I blew a kiss to them as they applauded. We spoke more on what the games were like and my strategy from the beginning. I told them that my strategy was to hide as long as possible in the career group to learn their weaknesses and then leave to report to Grey and any others he'd find. Caesar thought me clever for doing so and especially when I fooled Solar.

"You have quite the charm and motives, my dear."

"You do what you need to survive. But Caesar," He became more serious as I gained control of the conversation, "I never meant to hurt him in the way I did. I never knew he... He cared as much as he did." That was true. I was sorry for tricking him so easily and recklessly. It made him corrupt and even more dangerous.

"Im sure we all understand, right folks?" The audience supported his claim giving "aww's," "it's alrights" and "we forgive you."

"Good, good. Now! One of the most important subjects at hand. There had been a rumor, previous to your games, with you and a certain mentor were spending more than enough time together. Were you aware of these claims?"

"Well, I do watch the television and network on the Games, especially leading up, so I did see a few reports on Him and I being together. Stop me if I'm wrong, but you yourself conducted one a few days before they commenced." he smiled to the audience as if he had earned an award for doing so. _Ugh. I felt like vomiting._ "I remember your gold hair." I said with a half smile and giggle, suggesting it had been very fashionable.

"Why yes, back when I was _still a reporter_. Any comments on the matter now that you've had a week or so to adjust back into the world?" I hadn't seen him since the elevator incident, and even then never heard a word of what he was doing.

"Such as?" I crossed my legs, showing I was becoming more comfortable in sitting there when I really wasn't in the slightest.

"Tell us the first time you saw each other since you were declared Victor." He sat on the edge of his seat, hands folded together in excitement. Much of the people watching muttered a bit waiting in response. My thoughts arranged themselves in the meantime.

"Well, right after I exited the arena," Don't tell them everything... "I uh... After I was healed of the slight burns and self injury, He was my first visitor in the hospital." I lied. "The moment I saw him, I laughed the hardest I ever had in a long time. He had bought me one of those giant teddy bears: the one's you get at the gift store of medial wings. The giant thing still awaits my motivation to move it home with me." A tear accidentally fell, against my willing. Why did I have to be pathetic enough to let that slip. I'd have to cover it with a story or excuse.

"Oh, we can see how much you missed him." Caesar reached over to hold my shaking hand briefly. I could see it in his eyes, he knew everything I was saying was a lie, but to my surprise, he never said a word of it.

"He's just... Now that Gre-..." I lost my control of breathing as it hit me Grey was indeed dead. "... Grey is gone," _focus on breathing and control. calm down and get control_. I cleared my throat. "He's my only friend now."

"Oh, you're making _me_ cry." My face was dry as soon as he spoke. Never again would I left myself slip like that. Never again. I'd rather die than let them really know me. "Does the future look as though it will lead to anything more than friendship? What better way to bring two souls together than drama and life, am I wrong?" The others responded properly.

"Caesar, I only hope he will look at me the same way. If you want to know, um, I've had a crush on him since we met." Everyone was shocked yet happy. It would give them hope there may be something there.

"He knows this?"

"Oh yeah, knew the second time we met that I fell for him. But could you blame me? He's beautiful." Flickermen laughed his hearty chuckle as I smiled secretly, knowing I had control back of myself and the situation once more.

"Has he ever admitted feeling the same?"

"No, not yet anyways. I still have hope, but if not, then I'm happy with us staying friends." they awed and clapped.

"Besides the famous Odair, I've been told someone special has had their eye on you for a while in your time here. Can you lighten the subject on that?" This was Snows test for me to see if I could keep them on edge while also not revealing too much. My specialty. "Is there room for admirers in your life?" I was stunned someone would think I was desirable.

"Maybe there is, and maybe there isn't. I can't really sort my emotions at this time, but usually I wait for the first move."

"Really?" I nodded. No, I didn't really have a move, relationships were nonexistent before all this. They weren't a necessity for me. "Well then, we will have to see what happens."

More talk about pathetic things filled the hour long conversation I had with him. It allowed enough material to be edited into a longer special on the network for everyone to see. Now that it was all ending, all of Panem now knew my height, favorite colour (Storm blue), my favorite animal (reindeer, since I'd never seen one before), song that I've sung since childhood, when I had my first kiss, what I brought with me from the games, the truth between Finnick and I, and about my mother's accident.

I was very thankful we never spoke about why I tried killing myself at the end. It wasn't something I ever wanted to speak about, because it was something that should have never happened. Zyre should have just stayed down and died at Grey's hand. I should have reached further for Solar and potentially saved or fallen with him. It would have been a fair win for Grey. He should be here speaking about how I honourable I was trying to save him and Solar. _He should be here... not me..._

"If I were you, Panem, I would be looking forward to when Rain decides to created an album with her amazing voice!" they cheered. "That's all the time we have for today, but we will see you again, at the Victory tour in six months! Ha ha ha!" Caesar lifted my hand above my own when I stood to leave. He gave me a hug and I noticed his sharp lemony smell. It was like I had the zest of the fruit in my nose.

Grey would laugh...

...

 _Nevermind..._

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 **Hope you guys liked it! It's a bit shorter than usual, but there will be more to come with the next few chapters! BTW let me know what you guys think will happen. I'm still editing this story, so I'm open to any ideas you all have.**

 **Thank you everyone for enjoying my story so far!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm sorry I was late posting this one! A lot came up in my ceramics class and I had to send the whole day in the studio throwing cylinders... ANYWAY I hope you all like this chapter! It's getting darker and darker for what's happening in Rain's life and her head, so slight warning in the future chapters of her depression post-games.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 3: Ceremonies Galore**_

This was something I never really wanted to happen. Realistically, anyone tributed to these games would only dream about this moment the second their names were called or before the volunteered. I was going to be crowned Victor of the 72nd Hunger Games.

Leo finished the last touches on my dress and makeup before I'd go out in front of the entire capitol and be crowned. The dress had a sequined sweetheart bust that shown through the more enhanced curved bust. Draped and gathered in all the right places, It was made to flow like an old grecian robe. A matching crystal belt around my waist brought just enough attention to draw people's eye without being too much. It flowed at different lengths and waves down my legs to the floor.

He had my hair stylist add highlights in my hair to make it more lively from my experiences, and braid it similarly to when I was at the presentation in my fishscale suit. Less shells and starfish were put on, but they kept just as many braids. My eyes had a light blue and pink gradient with crystals here and there to accent the fake eyelashes he made me wear. Once again into a pair of blue heels and matching nails, I was ready. This would probably be my signature look: blue nails and shoes. At least it was my favorite shade.

Leo asked if I wanted to pencil in my brow, "It is not symmetrical with your face, darling." But I made him keep it bare to show everyone that not even I was perfect. It was a reminder to how they changed me, that I was changed to start. It was permanent like the memories I've gained and people I've lost. He did cover the scar under my jaw with makeup, but had no choice in covering the one on my chest. Because of the complexity of the surgery I went under after stabbing myself, the doctors were unable to take something that deep away. It was a pink, lightning shaped, valley from just under my collarbone to the center of my breastplate. I wasn't proud of it, and never wanted it seen.

Still no Finnick, and it had been a week since I saw him last. My heart broke thinking he was with a client.

I could hear the screams of fans from behind the golden doors that lead out. Once past them, I'd meet with President Snow on his balcony to be given a speech about being victor and crowned into glory. I'd smile and be proud.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Leo always had one last thing to add second before I did anything. He held a silver clothed box for this occasion. "I have _one_ last thing for you." Opening it, he held out a golden chained necklace with two dolphins encircling around a stationary diamond in the center. It must have been a pure, single, karat, that sparkled like a star. He helped put it on me.

"What is this?" he knew my necklace from Saxon had been lost in the arena the minute Ginger fought me. I had only noticedit was gone when I overlooked my scars two days after surviving the arena. The officials of the arena never recovered it, and weren't in any rush to. This compensated for it, I suppose, being similar yet more elegant, yet mine was made by my brother for me. It had been the only reason, other than keeping my allies alive, to survive.

"It is a gift, for you."

"Leo, you really shouldn't have-"

"Not me, honey. I received it this morning, and I assume it was from a Mr. Odair." his eyes wiggled and smile curled at the thought of Finnick. He, like them all, had a tie to Finnick. "He must be very proud of you." I barely had time to register what it could mean, but was shoved in front of the opening doors, the lights blinding me and sound deafening me once more.

They screamed for me, my name, their declarations of fondness or idolizing, and even threw roses towards me. None of them made it within ten feet, but it was the gesture they counted on me noticing. Snow stood near the pillowed pillar where my crown lay. His smile was forced when he spotted me. He wasn't happy about something.

"How are you, Ms. Troute?"

"I am doing rather well, President Snow, sir." He kissed my cheek and held my hand when opening to reveal me entirely. It hadn't helped that nothing filled my stomach the entire day, but still my stomach revolted upon the odor he gave out. Sure anyone else would think it was a pleasant old man smell, but there was something else I picked up on. He smelt terribly of a wilting decaying rose. The smell of blood, I recognized from what I went through, was on his breath and mixed terribly with the floral smell. Everyone had secrets and his wasn't just being an old man. I waved politely and appropriately before turning to him speaking into a microphone on his face.

"Rain Troute. You have battled through all the elements and your fellow fallen tributes to ensure your survival and position where you stand. You have kept to the rules of Panem in representing your District proudly throughout the Hunger Games, and have shown to all of us your loyalty to this Nation." They cheered. "With this being said, I proudly bestow upon you the title 'Victor of the Seventy Second Annual Hunger Games'!" Confetti of different metallic colours shot from all different angles onto the thousands on thousands of faces below as he lifted the Golden crown above my head.

It was heavy as he placed it, but not enough to change my posture. This was the moment many other tributes had been dreaming of one day: The day they'd wear the solid gold laurel and be declared Victor, The day they'd receive everything they have ever wanted, receive endless riches, and immunity from the games onward. It was made to be the best day of anyone's life. It wasn't when you didn't deserve it.

"That is a beautiful necklace. Your stylist has an eye for accents." He lifted the dolphins from my neck to inspect it before placing it back down.

"Thank you. A close friend of mine purchase it for me after I won."

"Oh?" he wondered and feared who I would say. "Do I know this kind friend?"

"Yes, he was my mentor: Finnick Odair. We are very close." his smile was more of a grimace now, one only I could see from the context we spoke, but to Panem he was a proud and humble old man.

...

* * *

...

It had been a week or so since I returned home. Thanks to my experience, it brought me closer to my family now that I never wanted to take granted the things I had and the people I loved. We had all helped it finalizing my Victor's house, and went out the next day to pick out paint colours for the walls just to make it more of a home for me to live in some day on my own.

The colours were of the sea: navy blue, turquois, golden beige, a creamy white, and metallics for the light that reflected off the waves. The crown molding was spot on, and all furnishings perfectly paired and placed. It really started to feel like home.

The night we all finally had everything finished, we had a giant meal with everyone visiting. Saxon was home, Troy brought over his family and was actually quite welcoming for once, and my father didn't look at me like I was a disgrace for being born a girl.

The door had rung just after we had finished our huge meal of all the fish we caught that day when we weren't decorating. When I opened it, I never expected who stood there.

Everything happened so fast. My heart raced as he lifted me in the air. His strong warm arms holding me was the safest I'd ever felt. It was finally him, he was finally here. Nothing held me from kissing him as we spun. Perfect. everything was just too perfect. But I didn't care. I was with him and that's all that mattered.

"I missed you." I whispered on his lips.

"I missed you, too..."

...

* * *

...

My eyes shot open from a jolt. Lightning flashed and thundered outside.

I was still on the train heading home. None of it had been real. Finnick wasn't here, and I hadn't seen him this week. I wasn't at home and wasn't with him. My family hadn't seen me yet, and I didn't even know how they would react to seeing me after all that happened.

My face was flushed after the dream I had, but the coolness of the train window helped calm me. Guilt and longing filled my chest with an ache. It wasn't fair that I cared so much only to be fooled and cheated every time. Finnick _was_ nothing but the selfish and lying persona everyone knew him as. Even though he had met me outside my winning the games, he tricked me again into thinking I was something the others weren't. He knew I probably would die in there so he only worked up my hopes so I died thinking someone cared.

Dearly entered the dining cart where I was curled on a couch. I looked out at the rushing forests as it rained, my head resting on my crossed arms. She sported her yellow and orange colours with sparkling skin, and resembled a walking sunset in all its shining glory. Her trinket jewelry clicked and jingled on her as she moved.

"I've been looking for you." She saw my discomfort and introvertness. "Are you alright, dear?" Genuine concern came across her face after she paused to look in the mirror.

I wiped my face of the condensation from the window and also to wake myself up more. Great now I was upset and red in the face. She walked over to get a better look at me. I probably looked like I had been crying when it was the opposite. I looked at her seriously. My head was pounding...

"Would you be alright if you were alone in this?" She looked a bit flustered with a loss for words. "If everyone you loved was either dead or excluding you from their life?"

"How are you alone when you have your family waiting for you at home?"

"They wont understand. They didn't understand three years ago, they won't know now. No one understands."

"I'm sure Finnick would know, sweetheart-"

"Like hell he would! How would he know if he hasn't seen me since I won? One minute he's caring and comforting, and the next he's... Just gone!" I brought my legs closer to my chest as I sat. She walked over to me, sitting on the other side if the couch. I refused to look at her further in frustration, but she insisted on holding my hand.

"I'm going to tell you something I have never told anyone else." Oh more secrets... I was melancholy about what she had to say. What could she speak of that would help me? She didn't know how to sympathize or even remotely relate, but I nodded so she'd let go of me.

"I am not like every other escort. I grew up in a district outside of the Capitol: District One. I also had a twin sister. Her name was Honey, Honey Flitter. We were best friends and we were identical in every way but our personalities. We complemented each other by being opposites." I never thought dearly to come from 'common places' or that she had any family. "On both if our sixteenth birthdays, we vowed to stay together forever. That summer, she volunteered as tribute to proudly represent our district. I was excited for her but angry she broke her promise."

"What happened?" As much as I hated to admit it, she had me interested in the story.

"She died defending herself. She made it seven days in. My last words to her had been ones of spite and anger for breaking our promise. She wanted the glory and rewards for winning. I always saw life as something you had to work for to earn your rewards." She _did_ know how I felt, on her own level. "I'm not telling you this just to empathize with whatever emotions you're feeling, but to say you learn to live with the pain and regret. It doesn't necessarily get better or happier, it just becomes easier to push those feelings away to live in the now."

"Did you have anyone when she died?"

"My parents were unbelievably vacant and absent from my life that point on. They were proud of her death. They supported it and said it was her choice to die. So in retaliation, I left home. I went to college a few years early for public speaking and fashion design, earned a bachelor's in both, and was hired by the capitol for being an escort groupie in training. As soon as the opening for a district opened up, I applied and got in."

"That's amazingly successful, Deary."

"Yes, it is when you think about it." she glanced at her own knotted hands. "But who would know I would be working alongside the man who killed her." My look of confusion must have pushed her to explain. Who would have killed her sister that works for the Capitol?

"Snow?"

"Finnick. He's the one who killed her in the sixty fifth games." - _What?!-_ "I forgave him for surviving, the games forced him too, but I never forgot it."

"So when you defended him saying he was a good man, was that the truth?"

"Yes. He apologized the minute I told him who I was and he told me her face is one of many that haunt him to this day. He _is_ a good man. We joke around here and there in good spirits, but that doesn't make us friends. Don't get me wrong, I still respect him for being humbling about it, we just aren't as close as people think we are."

"He's a prat." She chuckled in her smile.

"Yes, he has his ways. You are lucky you know him the way you do. It's good to know he has some friends." Did he have no one? I felt since she confessed her life's motivation and story that I'd share some of mine.

"Believe it or not, but prior to being reaped I used to absolutely hate him. I wanted nothing to do with him or his flaunting personality. He was an arrogant pig who was nothing but selfish." She looked shocked, previously thinking the lie he and I created was the truth.

"Really?!"

"Yep. I knew him or of him from visiting my dad's shop and buying from us, but nothing past that. It was enough for me to hate him."

"Why did you hate him so much?"

"I was the only one it seemed to notice his lie to everyone that his life was perfect. I could see his broken personality behind the mask he had on. He had flirted with me once, and I gave in thinking I was special. I noticed after that it was a trick and lie, never forgiving him since."

"That seems harsh."

"Towards someone like him at the time? No, not at all." I sighed realizing I was beginning to hate him just as I had before. "He changed around me though. As the days passed in training and in the Capitol I started to see more of thee real him. He was broken and faltered like the rest of humanity. He had regrets, loves, and family at a point in time. It was wrong of me to claim him as something he wasn't."

"Was that before or after you called him-" she paused not wanting to repeat the word, "called him a whore?" it pained her, even at her dislike of him, to say it.

"After. The way he responded to it... I saw it in his eyes that I had hurt him."

"So the story of you two being friends because of April's wondering was a lie?"

"Yeah. As much as the fact I'm honoured to be alive." I quoted from my interview with Caesar Flickerman. She looked surprised but also relieved that I wasn't as violent as the others who've won. She saw me holding my necklace and reached to get a better look, holding it in her petite hands.

"That is very beautiful. This your token, isn't it?"

"No, I lost mine in the arena. Leo gave this one to me before I was crowned as a replacement for the one I lost." I fingered it and then had an idea. "Deary do you have a phone on you?" She obliged in handing hers over to me with a smile. She knew who I'd be calling, but unfortunately, a voice on the intercom interrupted my call.

"Now approaching District Four. Arrival in less than two minutes. Prepare for unloading and departure." I currently had on a faded jade coloured hoodie, styled into the fashion of the capital with bold changes in the fabric layering as design. Black leggings and mustard yellow boots finished off the look with my hair straightened, the front pulled back with two braids.

It was still raining as we came to the station where my entire district awaited my return. There were signs and streamers amid the wet and cold of the storm. Whether they were forced or not, they showed their support in many ways.

"Ready?" Deary asked as the doors unlocked to open. She gave a quick squeeze to my hand next to hers. We were now friends after our confessions, a friendship that would last a while.

"Yep." The doors opened and the cold damp air met my face, the smell was second, and the sight third. It was even more beautiful than I remembered it. I missed my home. I missed the fishy smell, the people, the ships, and docks. Everything was as I left it, and I was grateful for that normality.

No Finnick still, and I began to suspect there never would be.

I didn't want to be victor. I was alone.

* * *

 **Where could Finnick be? Who is the mysterious gift giver? And what are the future plans for Rain once she gets home? Hope you guys liked this one, and I will post the next chapter next Tuesday for sure! Please review or message me about what you thinks going to happen, or if you have any questions!**

 **Thank you for reading!**

 **-Miche**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello Readers! I lied again about posting on Tuesday... As I may have stated I have a night class, so I'm just going to post the new chapters either on Monday nights, or Wednesday afternoons! Hope you all liked the previous chapter and this one!**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 4: Blame and Denial**_

Grief:  
Out of the five stages of grief one experiences when a loved one dies, Denial is known as the first to show its face. By denying the event even happened, it is supposed to help someone continue living day by day as if nothing has really changed. Yet, it also hinders the mind, making things meaningless, overwhelming, and confusing. It's an excuse to get through the day.

" _It is supposed to help you heal."_

Anger comes next. The emotion of knowing what has happened has happened makes one angry and unsettled, thinking no one thought to save them in time. The anger can reach to friends, family, doctors, co-workers, and even the person who is dead. It is a strong emotion to feel and can occasionally be an anchor: something you can focus your emotion on and dwell over. When it takes over one and feel lost, adrift, deserted, or abandoned.

" _But It is apart of the healing process."_

Bargaining follows that with pleading, praying, begging, and "what if"s. Everything is a daze of "What could I have done?" or "Was there anything someone else could have done?" We want to go back in time and change things. When one begins to bargain, they begin feeling the other emotions and stages periodically again. The stages occasionally are come and go.

" _This is all just healing for you."_

Depression is sometimes the strongest, and normally follows bargaining when one realizes there is nothing to do or be done about a loss. Withdrawal, fogginess, and loneliness all tie into this stage. Noticing they are gone will hurt like hell and feel like forever until things are better, but "they do get better." Depression isn't a sign of mental illness after someone you love dies.

Acceptance is last. You realize they are gone and deal with it. You go on with your life and simply not let it affect you.

" _It's all healing."_

Well all of that is shit.

Trauma:

Trauma is different. There are three phases that generalize the process. Phase One: Safety and Stabilization. In this phase people will be distant and try to regain safely within themselves. Weeks to months to years can go by before it passes. Phase Two: Remembrance and Mourning. In this phase it is important to talk about what has happened without leaning towards having no emotion. It is said it's good to speak about it even if breaking down occurs, but you don't want to dwell on it. Phase Three: Re-connection and Integration. The person experiencing the trauma begins reconstructing their life again around what has happened, not using it as something to hold them back but push them forward.

...

So yeah.

 **Week one:**

The first day back, I was able to find my family in my new home in the Victor's Village of Four. The entire place was already decorated, filled with furniture, polished and waxed to perfection. The only things imperfect were the things my father and sister added: pictures, flowers, paintings, and filling the closets with clothes. But however loving and warm the home seemed, it was empty.

My first thought when I saw the place was to call Grey and tell him how ridiculous this whole thing was, and to have him see the new building. But I couldn't do that, now could I?

Dad had greeted me at the door to our old home with opened arms, yet his eyes said different. Now he knew what I was really like and what I had gone through to be here. He knows what I've lost and gained in this journey. Hopefully the change they saw in me was for the better of our family.

But someone was missing from my usual four people. "Where's Saxon?" April and my father exchanged looks. It wasn't good.

"Rain, we need to talk about something." After being escorted into my once safe and comforting place, I was welcomed with the fact that my brother hadn't come home. He hadn't been seen since after I entered the games. In fact, there hadn't been a sighting in the entire month I was gone. The day after I arrived in the Capitol, he went off to work, on his boat, and never came back. But the strange part was my family was the only ones who seemed mildly concerned that he was gone.

I couldn't understand why he was gone. Why he left me. Why was everyone leaving me?

 **Week two:**

The funeral for Grey's body was that eight day I returned. It monsooned and made everything void of colour and life. There had been so much rain, it drowned the plants in everyone's window boxes, and flooded many of the streets leading into town. If I hadn't talked to Mrs. Twilight into keeping the day, it would have been rescheduled.

Seeing the closed coffin made me incredibly uneasy. His mother didn't want a wake or that image of him in the media. I wanted to see him dead so I could let it go, but something also told me if I had requested to see him, I'd only regret it more. The cold coffin was a steel material, and reflected beautifully the meadow and trees around us. He was buried in the graveyard our grandparents were buried in; the one we would have been buried in together once we had grown old.

I wore a simple knee-length dress, and kept my promise to him we made years ago that it was white. I never liked wearing white, but he told me he didn't want to see me in a white dress unless it was at our wedding. Both us and the closest people to us knew. Even we never had those feelings, they would have developed and grew, just as we did with each other. Black was such a depressing and dark colour.

The weather was cold and icey, but I never put on anything other than that dress. Umbrellas were useless in the wind, everyone was soaking and shivering by the end, yet I was the first one there and the last to leave after he was buried. His mother wanted me standing with their small family as people said their formal and required condolences. Few of them really meant it, but only said anything to look like proper human beings. Even as I saw this facade, I still played along and thanked them before the next person did the same.

Percilla Twilight was a beautifully strong person, who seemed to love me almost like one of her own children. Even though she lost her husband when the youngest wasn't even 4 years old, she continued working and raising her family. She had only planned Grey's burial with the help from the Capitol's director of funerals in our area. I was astonished she was so stable through not only burying her husband, but her only son as well.

Something changed in me that week. I got up at 4:15am every morning, dressed in active wear, and ran almost the entire day. I went running on the beach, in the district streets, along paths for miles, and even took Brinkley with me several times. Never stopping to eat or think of something other than the number of footsteps I took while running

However near the afternoon of the second day, my father began taking me to doctors' appointments and therapists to speak to about all of this. It made me twitchy not to be moving constantly and all the time. The doctors prescribed depression pills, anti-anxiety pills, and other medications to make me want to eat. They were all precautionary due to the "unnatural" persona I gains after the games, or so my father had said.

 **Week Three:  
**  
At this beginning week, My mother even started noticing my absence from family meals. I came down for water once (which everyone stopped to watch me) and heard her laughing to herself and smiling. She came up and hugged me saying "You're back." It made me break down the first few times, but each time also gave me peace and comfort I hadn't felt from her in a few years.

Food smelt incredibly good, but also repulsive. My body was still revolting against itself. Everytime I tried even my favourite foods, I pictured seeing the beer bellied, greasy men who watch me perform in my Sponsors Review. They were disgusting.

That week my father began to notice my weight loss from the games. I didn't until he mentioned it, but when I was weighed again, I had lost about fifteen pounds, and it wasn't good. I was losing muscle while doing nothing but running and forcing a bite or two at dinner. My father wasn't happy with me.

 **Week Four:**

At this point, everyone in my family knew I'd been throwing up after meals. I couldn't keep the food in my stomach, and against my strength to keep it down, it made me sick to be full. Even though I'd been taking my medicine and anti-nausea pills, it still happened less than 30 minutes after eating. It was finally a strong concern when I was vomiting after having outbursts towards family members. I'd get so worked up about whatever it was, I'd run out away on the beach and run until everything came out of my stomach. I could only keep black coffee and hot tea down with the occasional single cookie.

The outbursts came in variance. Sometimes April would mention Grey to my mother, just talking casually, and I would lash out. The last time I finally threw something at her because Dad held me from attacking her personally. She never looked at me the same way.

To Troy, I punched him once for touching me and keeping me from entering the house.

It had been a long run today. I went from home to the northern perimeter, and all the way down to where Troy was living now. Over thirty or more miles of running and walking, and I was finally feeling better about things.

My front door was locked so I knocked to enter. Troy who was visiting for the weekend, opened the door for me. I hadn't been talking a lot lately and really didn't feel like doing it now. So when he kept the door limited to only himself in it, I became a little short tempered.

"Now, just listen to me, Rain. I want to help you-" I tried pushing it again, but he stood in the way. My eyes bore into his. "You need to notice you're not getting better by running all the time. You're slowly killing yourself! Withering away-!"

"Let me in the damn house." I whispered, barely speaking until now.

"You're going anorexic, Rain-!"

"Let me in the damn house!" and I kicked it in, hitting him in the process.

"Rain-!"

"Just shut up!" and I threw my fist at him, hitting him square in the jaw. I went for a second punch, but he caught it and threw me back, causing me to stumble a bit away. He gave me a look of disgust, and watched me as I stormed away from the house. I didn't want to feel bad for what I had just done, so running was the only option.

The only safe place I could think of going was the ocean. But after spending the next few hours standing without a relief in the pressure I held in my chest, I knew it wasn't the best place. Swimming out far enough to reach some lost island was impossible, and I couldn't think of drowning myself again.

Finnick's house was what came up next, and against my moral thoughts right now, I started walking there. If he just accepted me being there, if he just came home, everything would fall into place again, and the world would be back in order.

I got to the rear of his house in less than a minute, seeing we lived down the street and along the same beach front. He had nice hedges around his property along with stones instead of a mulch, and more sea rock formations than mine did. Something had surprised me this time, however. No one could see it from the front of the house, but there was a light on in one of the upstair bedrooms. The times I had run past his home, I hadn't seen that from the front or back before just now.

Something wasn't right.

I snuck back to the front and hesitated. If I knocked, would he even answer? Was it simply his house cleaning lady or someone of the sort? An undignified pitiful look must have come across my face at this time. However I knocked before realizing the mistake I made.

Silence.

Nothing but the wind and the occasional sound of cars could be heard in the distance. The ocean overpowered much of it, however tonight the wind was louder. I smelt the salt from his landscaping and the ocean in his backyard coming around to meet me. It was nighttime, the sky had little blue left while the rest was black.

Just as I was becoming comfortable and at ease with the fact he wouldn't be home, I heard a slight thunder of feet from behind the door, a laugh, and saw the entrance light turn on. He had a similar layout in comparison to mine, however his chandelier in the entranceway had rod like crystal prisms verses my tear drop and circular ones. I guess it depended on preference.

The door swung open and the burst of light made me think I was hallucinating again. _I had the wrong house..._ I heard two voices, one was laughing and the other had silence himself upon the door opening. The woman standing there was around my height, and just from the state of her clothes, I could tell she was the farthest thing from insecure. The men's bathrobe she wore opened enough to reveal her naked middle chest, and nothing but her mint green lace panties.

"You aren't the take-out guy? Finnie, where's the take-out guy at?"

 _Finnie...?_

 _Who the fuck - "Finnie?"_

If any respect I still had for him was in him, if any muster of emotion I had other than hatred for him still existed, if I loved him so much that I hated him now, then why was it so hard for me to walk away from that? My feet moved against what I wanted to do and say, but in the end it was better. Silence is the loudest scream.

I wanted to march through the door, find him in that house, and demand answers. I wanted to talk to him and figure out why he had been gone all this time, and understand what this situation ment. There would have been numerous theories or lies made to cover the truth.

I needed time alone that wasn't here. Time that wasn't spent in District Four.

* * *

So this one was a bit rushed, but only because I felt like Rain was forgetting who she really was because she was consumed by this weight of feeling alone. I felt like explaining every single day would be to repetitive. Its only getting worse from here folks, I'll warn you there.

Review your thoughts so I can hear about what ya'll think and if you have any ideas to bend the plot line!

Thanks xoxo

-Miche


	5. Chapter 5

**Here's the next chapter everyone! Rain's getting more rebellious and outgoing with her adventures, and that might lead to some mistakes and wrong decisions... Uh oh!**

 **Thank you to those favouriting and following the story and just simply viewing it! From what the site tells me I'm reaching readers from the United State, United Kingdom, Australia, Japan, Peru, Indonesia, and France! WHOA! Please review if you wish to give some good vibes or to give your thoughts while reading!**

 **-Miche**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 5: Capitol Nights**_

I never looked back as I boarded the train.

"Name?" the guard at the train asked me while digitally scanning my blood sample he took seconds before.

"Rain Troute."

"Status?" _Huh?_ "Your status, Position, Rank, Title-?"

"Lone Survivor of the 72nd Hunger Games." I grimaced.

"Just like the others..." The man said under his breath. "Okay, Ms. Troute," It was confirmed I was who I said I was, "Where will you be traveling to today?"

"The Capitol."

"Anywhere specific?" My eyes bore daggers into his as I adjusted the small bag on my shoulder. I'd only given myself a few minutes to pack and a small bag to bring. This way It would look like one change of clothes. No one would be suspicious.

"Nope. Just get me away from this hell hole."

In the Capitol I could go anywhere and he wouldn't be able to find me here. Sure people would be more conscious of seeing me there, but it was an everyday thing there that someone famous would be seen doing an everyday activity. Even if he asked questions, it would be difficult to find me exactly.

The ride there was a long one filled with doubts and guilt. Doubts whether this was the best way of dealing with this situation rather than staying in Four and just talking it out with family. Also the guilt walking right out of his life like he had done to me hurt when we had both waited so long just to see a glimpse of the other. Leaving him like he did me would hurt him in the worst possible way. It wasn't just something I did out of habit or the first thing I thought of doing to hurt him, but it was the most painful to both of us.

When I was dropped off in the most populous part of the Capitol, I was a little overwhelmed with the culture shock. There were people everywhere, I wasn't in my makeup or extravagant dressings, so people walked right past me, unknowing. No one knew me, so no one would help me.

Suddenly I glanced over by a street plaza and saw several teens roughly my age touching a giant glass panel of sorts that had a large map on it. It blinked an orange colour and appeared to show them a path way to get to their own destination.

When they walked away, satisfied, I trotted over trying to think of who I could look for in a place a grand as this. Do I look for Leo? Deary? Did Deary even live in the Capitol most times, or did she live in One? All I could do was try. _Leo..._

Found him! The GPS found his address for me in seconds. He was located in the Industrial Province. Being one of the furthest places from where I was, it was going to be a hike.

..

* * *

..

The next morning, after I found a hotel, I was able to walk around quite a bit and venture out of my comfort zone to explore what the Capitol really had in it. And my how it surprised me.

One almost every street corner there were cafes, book stores, department stores of sorts, persona shops, medical practices, and everything or anything you could think of. Everything was made from the steel, rock, and other ores mines in District Two, and decorated with materials made in either Eight or One for the luxury or fabric. There were people wearing many arrays of colour, making me stand out like a sore thumb. Every so often I would come across people with different coloured skins. I'm not talking about exact race, which we learned our past ancestors had wars over, but literal colours: reds, blues, purples, grays, and yellows. Piercings and tattoos were popular in the different provinces of the Capitol as well from what I observed.

This is where I wanted to live. I didn't want the same thing everyday. I wanted something different.

So this night, the fourth night staying in the Capitol, both Deary and Leo were taking me out with a few of their friends to a popular yet small club in the "Silver" part of the Capitol. The Silver providence was where a few of the banking business men would live, or do there work, architects, contractors and other mathematical and strategic people lived and worked. Not all of them lived here, but it was where those types of offices were stationed.

The entrance was in the back and basement of a usual yet small cafe known in the area. From the outside of it you couldn't hear any music, but once you stepped inside, the bass of the stereo and electronic sub woofer sounds were heard and lightly distant.

Before getting in, you had to have a proof of ID. I was worried I wouldn't be let in. I didn't have any form of identification on myself, or anything to say that I was even of legal age, which I was. Luckily for Leo, he had clients here that let him and anyone he wanted in for free, no questions asked. He simply stated he had extra guests, and me along with two other groupies were lasered with a temporary tattoo on our wrists. You couldn't wash it off, and could only see it under a certain light which each of the bartenders had at their booths. the system was secure enough and safe enough for those served and those serving.

Fortunately, they had invited me over before the partying began and helped me dress. Leo had a huge array of clothing straight off of his newest designs for next season. Of them all, I tried on about three dresses until the perfect one made me look about 5 years older. It was cocktail length and sequined dress that had a very deep neckline without a back to mirror. Leo told me not to wear a bra with the dress, but I still made him find one that still worked. I was waxed and shaved from head to toe, and for the first time, Leo didn't plaster makeup all over my face. He used lighter cosmetics from his own brand, and did more with my eyes than anything. I was grateful he let me have my hair up, but only if MantaCello styled it first.

Once we passed through the entrance way, I saw the nightlife of the real Panem. There were lights coming from every direction yet it was still dark, People of all backgrounds and styles were jumping simultaneously as well as off beat to the loud synthesized music, and there were also more higher class people sitting at the bars while discussing random subjects.

There were tables closer to the walls with booths as options, other tables stationed near the railings of the first landing, stairs leading down to the second with a few scattered freestanding tables, and a giant dance floor in the center of it all. The floor of it was probably a crystal white or translucent, but had holograms of patterns and colourful lights flashing all over it to liven the mood and make people move more. At first I thought I was having vertigo of sorts from all the strobe lights and bass vibrating in my chest, but then centered myself on seeing a few solid lights where people were seated. I breathed deeply and let my eyes adjust before taking a few more steps in following Leo and the others.

We found an open spot near the overlook of the dance floor where we could see any drama take place or check out any dancers. Leo called it his usual spot, and I didn't doubt that upon seeing people part like the red sea when we all walked in that direction. He was a famous designer in this block.

As everyone ordered drinks from a waitress who wore an outfit that might as well have been lingerie, I decided on not drinking. Only because I did have some respect for myself now, and didn't want to make any mistakes that would take advantage of my own pain and grief.

After everyone basically had a few sips of several drinks they ordered and other suitors ordered for them, we all decided on going to the floor and dancing.

Deary had on rather simple clothing tonight, but still was herself in the fact of her dress being a platinum silver and reflecting every colour around her. Matching liquid eyeshadow, and chromed out eyebrows and lips made her look more robotic, and her cleavage screamed that she was interested in something of a one night stand. I didn't think she really had a preference of girls or guys if either hit on her, but she did tend to return more of the guys moves by dancing closer to them as they came and went. This giant mob was a bit overwhelming at first, but slowly it just became part of the background.

I had quite a few things to let out, and just let the beats and music vibrated my body and move me in anyway it felt like. But it was like every stress of my life slowly melted off with every song and every bead of sweat that ran down my back. The world wasn't falling apart at the thought of someone watching me right now and judging every movement I made.

My blood pulsed, and muscles pushed myself up and down the floor in different sensual moves as men came up to me. Some in their late 20's to 30's came up to me and danced for a few songs before I'd slowly move away from them to the next one. My group was still nearby me, so I wasn't too worried of one tried anything with me. The tension I left when I snuck away from them was exhilarating to start and became a high I was on for the next hour.

I only knew a few songs that were played while we all danced, but they were horrible remixes of the songs. Adding too many bass drops and running one song into the other really didn't do anything for those wanting to actually hear the music, but that wasn't why people came here. I could tell from first glances that all but about an eighth of the people here just came to eventually get laid, or to blow off some steam before heading home with their significant other.

The night was going well and I didn't have any worry in the world, but that's when something had to take my breath away so suddenly, It made me halt.

 _A man with reddish, blonde hair pushed right past me._

 _That hair was familiar._

I pursued the man, grabbing his shoulder and turning him around. "What the hell?" his drugged voice asked me. _It wasn't him..._ Nonetheless, my heart had all but stopped and now pounded so hard I had to step away from it all. _Get a drink, you need it..._

I excused myself from my current dancing partner, and trotted up the stairs to a quieter second of the club where I found more higher class people to be. They wore suits and fancier cocktail dresses with either more complicated clothing and simple skin/hair/makeup, or vice versa.

"What'll it be for you ma'am?" he asked me, wearing a white collared shirt and black bowtie.

"Whatever will get me to relax." I answered honestly. But it was true, I needed to relax again and not be on guard at all moments from now on that he will actually show up here of all places. I knew he wouldn't but the paranoia still plagued me with every step and every person I danced with.

To my left I saw a table of men gathered probably after their work hours ended to have a drink and relax for the night. They all wore their business suits and sat and talked with a wealthy and entitled air.

One of the men caught my eye. It wasn't that he was the youngest, in fact there were a few others that looks reasonably his age, but I recognized this man. Few around him had similar beards or shaved clean faces, yet his was specific to himself and wasn't kept the same as the others around him. The last time I had seen him he had a very stylistic beard. One that you'd be able to spot from a crowd. He laughed alongside the entrepreneurs and businessmen perfectly.

It was either the alcohol now in my system after my second shot of liquor, or the fact I needed a distraction, but I happened to catch his eye as well. And I didn't want him to stop looking at me. His eyes glanced at me first and then again recognizing me. The third time he looked, he made sure to look at my entire appearance, dress and all. My bum was out more than usual while I leaned on the bar, but that was from the few drinks I had just downed.

The way he looked at me suggested that he might not know exactly who I was. If he did, then his eyes would be asking me why I was here. Honestly, it didn't matter which one, but I didn't want to be here anymore, and wanted to forget everything else about my life for a few hours.

There were some surface tablets of sorts that people could interact with while sitting at the bar. The 8 by 11 inch area allowed for people to check the news, watch videos, check emails, and more. I only used mine as an excuse to wait for my next drink and for that man to sit next to me.

"So. What's with all the drinks?" He murmured to me after ordering his own for his group. His body language spoke a bit to me. Unlike many men who ad already tried to hit on me and other women tonight, he was faced me while keeping his respective distance. Most men had very heavy odours of whiskey, gin, tequila, or some other beverage that mixed horribly with their flamboyant cologne. I barely detected his faint smell with the wind he brought while sitting by me, and it was pleasant against the humanly odour of the club.

"Rough day... Well rough week, actually." I sighed as I stirred my current glass around before emptying its contents. The whiskey I had burnt my throat with every gulp, but it was better feeling that than the emptiness currently residing.

"Now, it's either your employer or your lover." He squinted, studying my behavior with a smile. His eyebrows furrowed in flirtatious concentration. "Or both, perhaps?"

"He wasn't really my lover, persay, but yes. Something like that." Oh I felt the drinks hit me now with a sigh and a smile. My head felt lighter and my mood more carefree in the very slightest.

"So that's why you've come to one of the most well known clubs in the Silver block of the Capitol? To get away from it all?"

"Correction. To find a distraction from it all."

"Sounds reasonable." he sipped his own.

"What's your reason?"

"Long day at work, nothing making me have to go home, and one of my co-workers recently got engaged. So call it a celebration to him for finding the one person in the entire world he can share everything with, including his time." Either he was being sarcastic or he was being rude to his friends recent status change.

"Well, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Aren't you at least happy for him?" Nothing kept my tongue held back.

"Yes. However it had been a very fickle relationship between them, polluted with occurring cheating, lying, secrets, and financial struggles that shouldn't be the basis to any relationship much less a marriage."

"How about thinking thinking the one person who brings light into the darkness of your life was there for you, only to find them 'occupied' with another person?"

"That does sound rough."

"Mm-hmm..." The newest News bulletin reported on a surplus in tickets sold for some band and people fighting over the sales of them. I didn't want to think right now, so why did I just spill my guts out in front of this stranger?

"I'll drink to that." He handed me one of the shots he was bringing to his table and we took ours together. There was a way to forget. But it was something I wasn't experienced on too well: Flirting.

"Normally buying a drink for a girl at a bar prompts her to think you are looking for someone to run off with for the night. You wouldn't be pulling that trick on me would you now?"

"It's never my first approach, but if the lady beside me now has a mutual interest, then I wouldn't object to it," He gave me a slightly twisted up smile that made me all giddy inside. A slight image of him against me in a heated moment, made my cheeks flush. That or the spirits were the cause, but I needed to get that man on the floor with me to burn some of this new found energy off.

"Do you want to dance?" I blurted out, hearing a song I finally recognized come on the DJ's speakers.

"Isn't that my line?" But I pulled his hand in mine down the stairs to the dance floor. He had removed his coat before we wend down completely, and revealed a rather strong body through his expensive white-collared shirt. Those strong forearms he uncovered when rolling up his sleeve I imagined pinning me down on a bed somewhere or against a wall while his mouth would burn my skin.

I didn't remember much about what we did on the dancefloor, but I do remember getting closer and closer to him until it was just our clothes separating our skin from touching. I think I had introduced him to my party when seeing them again, but it was mostly just the two of us dancing and laughing. The moment we kissed was lost to me, but he had such a strong and meaningful way about him that made every kiss feel like we had known the other for years.

It wasn't like my goal tonight was to leave with someone else other than my party members, but after ten songs of dancing, and the last three grinding and making out, I suggested we go somewhere more private. In the back of the club, there were a few connecting halls of offices and multipurpose rooms I'm sure the club had for all types of events at all times of the day.

There where no one would see us behind the curtains, he lifted me up into his arms and pushed me against a wall. There was something I was sitting on for the most part, but it was just wide enough for my bum to sit on it. I hiked up my own dress so his hands could pull me closer and handle more, but I also unbuttoned part of his shirt to reach in and around his neck and shoulders. His muscles pulsed with the beat of the music.

My body grew warm in many different areas, as he touched me and kissed me. I was sure to have some types of love markings on my neck or collarbone by the morning, as I'm sure he'd have the same. But Just as we were getting closer to the next step, another group of people passes us, rushed and giggling themselves. His arms went instinctively around my legs and exposed thighs to protect them from being seen by those drunks, and although they couldn't even see in front of themselves, it was a respectable move he made to protect my own privacy. Even if I was openly sharing it with him right now.

His unexpected frazzled look told me he was just as new to this as I was.

"Either we can call it a night, or I can bring you back to my place?" This one was very different than the rest. I'm sure he was used to women hitting on him as I did, but it was respectful to not give everything out in an environment like this. However cluttered, dark, and classy this club was labeled as, It was still a club: a dirty and soiled place where there were no secrets.

"That sounds better than going home alone." I smiled and nodded at him. Helping me down, he took my hand in his before going back up where his colleagues had been, grabbed his coat, and trotted out of the place with me in toe.

He didn't live too far away from our current position, so our short walk was shared holding hands, and speaking of simple but still conversational subjects. Our family sizes were exchanged and what order we were born, parents, grandparents, family traditions, and small memories from our childhoods. Normally difficult subjects to talk about with someone you just met, but easy with him.

The elevator ride to his penthouse was brief only because we spent the entirety kissing through it. With it being rather exclusive if he scanned his owner's card (which he did as the doors closed) it would go straight to his floor without stopping until he exited. This was convenient so no one could interrupt our moment.

He opened his door to reveal the large complex I remembered seeing once, carried me all the way up his ornate staircase, and dropped me on his bed. I giggled and watched him take his shoes and socks off before crawling back up to meet my lips with his.

My dress hit the floor around the same time his clothes did, and both sets were soon followed by whatever else remained. And although I hadn't told him it was my first time, he was gentle and tender enough as if he knew. I wasn't uncomfortable.

We followed our instincts that night, craving more, kissing, feeling, and just being happy that the other in a small way understood why we did this; as if an instant bond occurred between us. We knew enough about the other and had the confidence and influence enough to go with our gut. It was something I had never done before, but enjoyed every minute of.

...

* * *

...

The next morning, my headache was what woke me up. That, and the smell of men's shampoo. He was taking a shower at 10am, and I was still trying to get out of this extremely comfortable and formfitting bed.

Finding the strength left in my sore arms and legs, I hauled myself up and out of the snuggle zone and into the bathroom where I knew he'd be. My body was aching in spots I never knew could be sore, but also a part of me felt completed. Accomplished. I had something that made me proud, and it wasn't with Finnick. And I could openly think about him and not feel as heartbroken as I had. It was just liked remembering a bad dream now, still negative, but able to be analyzed and not taken so seriously.

I was naked getting out of the bed, so meeting my tall, dark, one-night-stand in his shower and reaching my arms around him wasn't foreign. The hot water showered the two of us in his walk -in paradise, and the steam opened up all my senses. I used his shampoo to wash the sleep and hairspray from my head and his body wash to not only rid the layer of grime from my skin, but also the glitter other people had rubbed off on me. Yet of course since our activities from the previous night inhibited the two of us from reaching parts our own bodies, we needed "assistance" here and there.

There things I should have checked with him before last night, this morning, breakfast and dressing again. We _had_ met before.

When I did talk to him, I had mentioned my family and exactly why I was running away from them. I left out names so he didn't know exactly who I was referencing, however he was able to talk me back into going home and making amends the best I could.

"And if you still find that there is no hope for anything, if you've truly given up everything, then give me a call. I'll find a place for you to stay." and he gave me his phone number on a business card of his. His work numbers were on the front, but he had specifically written his mobile on the blank backside.

I eventually left his apartment after a few more hours of talking and being comfortable around the other. The entire situation had been free of embarrassing faults, yet if they were, we both would just laugh and continue. This man made me feel so normal around him. He made me think that we were just good old friends who occasionally would hook up when the other needed the comfort of another person. He was someone who I'd remember.

Seneca Crane was a name I'd never forget.


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry this one was late guys. It was a hard one for me to write, because I had never been in this state of mind before or known anyone close ot me who really was. I hope I can do this chapter justice in any way. Triger warning: Suicide attempt, and depression.**

 **Hope you guys like the chapter (however dark and depressing it may be)**

 **And specal shout out to all the countires who have viewed my story thus far: United States (a ton), UNited kingdom (quite a lot), Canada, Argentina, Australia, Japan, Thailand, Peru, France, and Indonesia! Thank you!**

 **-Miche**

 _ **Chapter 6: Jumping**_

It had been Seven weeks since I last saw her as herself. She had just won the games and I couldn't be there for her the way she needed me. From my own experience I knew that having someone for support was important more than ever. This wasn't an easy process. It would be long and difficult for her, more so because it had been Grey in there with her and Grey who died in her arms.

I missed seeing her. For the weeks since she was crowned, Snow forced me into meetings and sessions with present and potential clients. He had me spend one entire week attempting to seduce one woman who was essential in trading with a smaller company in Four. I was able to accomplish what I was sent to do of course, and she wasn't any different than the others. I left her thinking I had a soft spot for her in my heart, as I did with the others.

The next week's, Snow had me serving people every other night after attending political celebration parties in the capitol. Each one either celebrated Rain's victory or the fact those hosting won millions of dollars bidding on her survival chances. It was pathetic as each one was just about too drunk to realize where we were going or what I did to them. I've always stayed sober in those situations, never bringing liquor into my work.

She was broken. Like me, She lost everything in her time. I saw it in her eyes after running from my post that she was lost and confused. Never before had I moved so fast in my life. With Annie's death, I hadn't even noticed her decline. This time I was prepared. With Rain, I knew it would happen before she even won, before i even saw her.

However, her suicide attempt I didn't count...

* * *

 _Finally. I was finally going home. Oh god this felt so good: being on a train and heading back to Four. It was my home and always would be._

 _I was heading towards my own home now, when visiting Rain's crossed my mind. She had to be in a rough state. No one came back the same, not even District One's victors. This wouldn't be good, but I knew I needed to see her. Since was midday, the likelihood of her being home was high._

 _All of the houses were the same inside and out, the only differences being wall colours, materials, furniture, floors, and what the rooms would contain. They would have had her decide what she wanted her first day back, just to put the finishing touches on it before she'd move in. I knew she liked hardwood floors, since her house always had them. She had a nice home full of memories. If she was forced from there to live somewhere else, I knew she'd keep it as similar as she could._

 _I pictured seeing her again, being completely and utterly full of joy, picking her up and never letting her go. However, it was her father who answered the door. He didn't recognize me at first. I was a bit out of order and completely exhausted._

 _"Hi, Mr. Troute. Is Rain home?"_

 _"Rain? No. She's gone for run down by the beaches. Sometimes she takes the cliff side, so maybe you can catch her? She just went out about a minute or two ago." That was excellent. But I could see the exhaustion on his face. It told me there had been weeks of arguing and misunderstandings._

 _"Thank you, Mr. Troute." and I left immediately to find her and see where she had gone._

 _This was my chance. I had this one chance to see her and tell her everything: how I felt, what I felt, and when I started feeling it. I..._

 _...loved her..._

 _I loved her. I think I loved her. And just now thinking about saying it to her made me overwhelmed with emotion, but I'm sure that's how you are supposed to feel when saying something like that. Only a few minutes ago, so why hadn't I caught up to her yet-_

 _My stomach dropped and heart went in my throat._

 _Not again! I would not let this happen again!_

 _NO!_

 _"RAIN, NO!" I screamed and ran._

 _Rain was standing up on one of the higher cliffs looking down in the rocky water. Just a year before this it had been Annie. I couldn't let this happen to another person I cared about. With Annie, I had watched all of it happened and not be able to do anything because of fear. I thought with her that she had merely slipped. She smiled at me and I smiled back. Then she fell..._

 _Rain still had a chance. She couldn't have gone that mentally insane since I was gone, but what did I know? I knew how to stop it. I knew how to save her. I knew I could save her. And I would if it cost me my own life._

 _My entire body was numb and I stopped breathing as I sprinted up that incline to her. She was about to jump. No! We needed to survive this. We needed to prove to the Capitol that it doesn't own us. Snow doesn't own us. We can survive this..._

 _There was still the chance of saving her._

 _My arm grabbed her in midair and brought her inland of the plateau were we both stood. She tripped and pulled me down with her which I stayed to keep her from getting up._

 _"Rain, you can't ever do that again." I let myself show her how I felt. I let her see me cry for the first time. Nothing could keep me from her now._

 _"I can't promise anything-"_

 _"No You won't! You won't ever do that! God..." I kept her in my arms for a minute or two. She never let anything show, if she felt anything in that moment._

 _I only sensed her exhaustion from everything when I went to get up and she was reluctant to get up. She rose to a sitting position, never to look in my eyes._

 _"Please..." She bolted from me. The grass tripped her up enough for me to reach out one last time and yank her down._

" _Dammit, RAIN!" I yelled in fear and frustration. Please don't let her die on me. I needed her just as much as she needed me._

" _Just help me..." she whispered. I'd never say no to her._

 _"I promise." My arms fit perfectly in picking her up, but it was foreign feeling her this light. She had definitely lost quite a bit if weight since I last saw her. All her weight and strength left just held onto me. I doubt she'd remember this, but it didn't had to go home and be safe. "I'm never letting you do this again."_

 _"It was my choice." again her voice was barely audible._

 _"Yeah, but I'm being selfish because I won't let you put me through what i did with Annie."_

 _"Looks like we're even now. We both lost someone." And oh how true that was..._

* * *

We were younger, her sister ran into my lawn and we met. Her voice was beautiful as a bird's. I never forget the effect she had on me, even in my days serving the Capitol. I told myself that as long as I did what I was told by Snow, someday I'd be free from it. Someday I'd marry a girl like her. She was what kept me sane and planted. She helped when she didn't know she had.

The tables were turned now, as she was the one in need. Snow was punishing her for our relationship more intimate in the public's eye than it was. He wanted to see her in pain over seeing her with me. He would prefer if I'd never shown anything other than pride towards her. It wasn't my fault she was secretive and evading in her own way. The more Rain pushed people away, the more they wanted to know her.

Twice had my powers broke through to her. Once, that first night on the train, and twice when she looked me underwater. Her skin glowed in the blue lighting and her hair floated around her like she was in free fall. She was beautiful. I would have never denied it then, just as I would now. Sure she could be seen as sexy or sensual, but she chose not to be. Okay, yes in ways she was, but overall she was humble. She refused to let herself think she was all those things, and therefore portrayed it.

Finally I was home. Home after several more weeks away. Home to see how she healed in that hospital her father put her in (we argued thoroughly the week following about my rights to see her). Home to stay...

I was allowed to come back only once things in Four had settled from all the excitement of her new status. I knew seeing her would bring me back to life. She would help me as I'd help her. I couldn't stay still knowing in a few minutes I'd be face to face with her. No one had ever made me feel like this. Along that thought, not even Anie really had. The anxiety, fear, dizziness, and happiness all blurred together as I jogged to her home. With everything I had on me (nothing but the clothes I wore) I went straight to her.

The dark wood door was now in front of me as my legs trembled from running. I skipped my own house, nothing seemed as important. With three shaky knocks, I backed up to wait. Would she be over needing me, or did she even want to see me? She would. I was the only one close enough to her to understand what she was going through. Rain wasn't much of a dependant person, but when she did need help, it was either she thrived on it or died from lack there of.

I had to be there for her.

I knocked again, but was interrupted by it opening. My heart stopped.

"Finnick! How are you?" it was her father. Great. He looked at me with eager eyes, wondering where I had been and wondering what I'd been doing since the games ended. Surly he was thinking I betrayed his daughter by promising I'd be there for her only to lie.

"I'm doing very well, Mr. Troute."

"As I've told you before, you can call me Cade. Why don't you come on in for a bit? It's a cool night." True, I had only gotten back around eight, so the air was chilled.

Their home smelt of a dinner's echo, the family just finishing their last meal of the day. Chicken parmesan from what I could tell. "So, this is our new home. It's probably very similar to your own, being in the village, but we made some changes to make it special for Rain." Dark Cherry hardwood floors. Just as I suspected.

"After she stays here around six months, we're planning on moving back to our original home to give her her own space. She is becoming her own person, and we don't want to get in the way of her new life." I followed him into the kitchen area where they had white cabinets and a dark granite counter. It was homey and moldable to anyone living there. I made myself comfortable sitting at the bar stools set in their island. "Can I guess why you're here so late?"

"I just got back from my business meetings up at the Capitol, and knew that Rain was still adjusting. I wanted to make sure she was doing okay Since her 'stay'. And I want to sincerely apologize for not helping her sooner. It was out of my hands, but that's no excuse. I'm an truly and honestly sorry for the pain I caused her and your family." His smile faded after I confessed why I was here. I saw the frustration and agony her own pain had caused him. No parent wants to see their children in pain at any point in their life, whether they need to learn from it or it was unrightfully thrust at them. "Is she okay?"

"Um... It's been very hard on her, losing Grey. He was really her only friend." I understood in ways. I knew my district partner, went to school with her, but I couldn't save her from the blood bath when the girl from Two killed her. "Saxon, her brother, also hasn't been around. He was her rock when growing up. We hadn't known what happened, but the day after she left he just didn't come home. I found later on he never clocked out that evening from work, so we have no idea where he is. Troy, my oldest, we hear from rarely." He was struggling not only to support his daughter, but also the structure of his family. "Rain was supposed to come home and heal properly, but it is worse than I hoped for her."

"I can imagine. I would've been here sooner but-"

"I know, things get busy when you work for the Capitol. You stay here, and I'll go let her know you are in." He had been cleaning up from their meal, soapy pots and pans in the sink.

"I can help if you need it?" I offered. Cade thanked me as I took over washing some of the dishes. I've had to clean my own in the past, refusing house cleaning. Whatever messes I made I knew I could clean them up just as I made them. That is how my mother had raised me when we still spoke.

Seeing his struggle being basically a single father, it must be hard keeping to a normal life now that his wife was lost as she was. In our sessions of training, Rain explained her mother's accident when she was young. She told me how much Cecelia Troute could remember at one time and what she did know. The woman herself sat in front of me at the table with a questioning look as if she recognized me, but didn't know from where or why her husband let me in the house.

"W-who-?" she stuttered and struggled to make the ooh shape with her lips. I knew 'who are you?" is what she meant.

"I'm Finnick, Mrs. Troute. I'm a friend of Rain, your daughter." Cece Troute just smiled at me, happy knowing Rain had a friend. Through the grin she let out a few short laughs before slowly going blank again with that same quizzical look, not focused on me the second time.

Listening over the water, I heard the low timbre of her father's voice as he knocked on her door and explained the situation. For the first time in a long time, I finally heard her voice. I couldn't interpret the words being said but just detected her simple mezzo soprano tone from where I was. Feet waltzed down the staircase and I knew they weren't hers. They were too heavy and unbalanced.

"She said she'd be down in a minute. Just finishing up a page."

"Page?"

"Of music. I got her a piano with the money the Capitol generously gave to us so she could compose and sing anytime she wanted. She's taken really well to it, and I hope she can make a career out of it." I knew she liked to sing, but didn't expect her to go through so quickly with composing. It must be her outlet for what she was experiencing. I took up knot tying to soothe the anxiety and pressure post games. It was something I was good at, so I went with it. "Thank you for helping."

"No problem, I'm used to cleaning my own." I had finished them all, but left the drying to him. This kitchen was foreign to me so I did not want to put anything where it wasn't supposed to be.

Lightly paced footsteps padded down the stairs. My head spun in the direction looking for her, heart thudding in my chest.

" _Finny!_ " April ran up to me. I scooped her up in a hug and noticed how much she had changed.

"April! How are you?"

"Good! I saw a fairy yesterday!" her eagerness poured out in her exclamations. I never had younger siblings when growing up, but absolutely loved April. I feel like I handled her well seeing her father laugh at her little comments and such. He was just as comfortable with me holding her as I was.

"What?! You did?" her whole body shook with her nods. "What did she look like?" April explained to me the fairy wasn't a fairy at all, but she was a type of insect belonging to the magical forest who grants wishes to children.

"Rain says that fairies aren't real, but that's because she's been sick lately."

"I'd love to hear more later, but I have to visit your sick sister now, okay? Do you want to go help your dad with cleaning the kitchen?" she hopped away and into the sink with a dishcloth. Cade gestured to me it would be fine if I went up to Rain's room.

"It's the first one on the right." The same as mine was in my house. That room was at good position, having access to the library across as well as a bathroom on the same floor near the stairs...

As I made my trek up with light steps, I felt my stomach in my throat. Words could not describe how apologetic I felt for having ignored her for so long, and I wouldn't blame her if she never forgave me. My hands lightly shook as I neared her door. I heard a piano being played behind it. beautiful chord progressions and a whispering voice singing words that kept the melody to it. She wasn't singing persay, but making sure everything was matched up.

I knocked and the music stopped.

"Two minutes." Once more. A slam on the keys notified me she wasn't in the best of moods. I leaned against her door frame before it swung open inwardly. "I said two-" Her angered face changed the minute she saw me. It fell to shock. She barely stuttered her words, trying to find the right ones to say. She chose to stay silent as we observed each other.

Her eyes had bags, and her skin was pale. She had a scar on her left eyebrow (from the games) along with the vacant look all Victors had their first month back. Her beautiful hazel eyes clouded with memories of blood and fire. _I never wanted that for her_. Judging from her loose clothing, I saw she hadn't been eating as much as she should since she returned. H That night of terror those weeks ago, I hadn't had time to really see her progress since the arena. BUt i missed a lot. Her grey hoodie being large on her smaller frame. She lost some muscle as well from lack of protein. I doubted she ever left the house.

"I... I'm guessing you weren't expecting me." I stood then directly in front of her, my hands tight behind my back to keep control.

"No." things were quiet. She looked uncomfortable standing before me in her own house. I went to resolve the pause when she beat me to it. "Why are you here?" That's Rain: Direct. She attempted to look puzzled as to why, but she knew. "I'm fine now-."

"I wanted to see how you were doing. And I just got back in town about five minutes ago-"

"I'm fine, Thanks." Her response seemed times and practiced, as if she'd had to say it many time before. Her smile flashed on and off with her response, not giving me any friendly signs. Hazel eyes were locked on my face searching for a weakness.

"Rain-"

"What." She snapped in demand. A sigh helped her relaxed shortly. "What?"

"I came to apologize-"

"Dont." Her lips pursed as she tried controlling her tongue and suddenly deepened voice. "Dont say anything-"

"Let me explain-"

"Stop. Just _stop_." In her whisper, she filled it with nausea and hate as she quoted my own words back to me. I'd told her previously not to care when she found out what I really did for the Capitol, I told her to stop caring about it and that I wished she wouldn't. She smiled a spiteful and shocked grin at me, knowing exactly that she was going for the low blow. "Just stop caring so much, Finnick." her eyes were wet as she became more upset knowing she couldn't believe what she was saying. Everything she had felt these past weeks must be surfacing all over again.

"I'm sorry for not being here, I had no choice-"

"You do it not because you _want_ to, but because you _have_ to." she cracked once more. "And now I'm Indifferent right? I don't care what you do because it doesn't matter what I think, nothing is stopping you-"

"Don't twist my words-" but she insisted on talking over me.

"AND! Because I'm so unfeeling and vacant that makes me a _bitch_ for thinking I was your number one priority! That I: a simple and pathetic _girl_ , was your favorite person, _right!_?" she spat at me as it was my turn to stay silent. "I told myself everyday for a week that you would come for me. You would finally realize how much I cared about you, and you wouldn't care what Snow said." _I always thought about her through this..._ "You would run to me and find me waiting. But I stopped caring a week and a half ago. While you were off fucking away with any woman but me, I was here just hoping it was all a damn dream-"

"Can we finish outside so April doesn't hear you?" she pushed past me to storm down the stairs and to the front door. I followed quickly behind her, getting a look from her father that It was good we were stepping out with this. He simply spoke with April as her mother watched. I shut the door behind us once we stepped into the cool summer air.

"I never meant to be gone so long-" I let my voice carry slightly, knowing not too many others would be hearing this.

"You know I thought you'd be different than the man I claimed you were. I thought you cared, that you were selfless. Dammit, I thought you-" her words only came as a sigh out of frustration at me while her hands ruffled in her own hair. I had hurt her. if I'd known this much I would have never come so late. "Turns out I was fooling myself."

"Please-"

"You _are_ a whore and you will _never_ be anything more than that to me now." That hurt. That hurt a lot coming from her.

"At least I cared enough to stay around, stay alive for you, to do everything I could to get to you the second you came out of that arena-!"

"But you still left me-!"

"I you were ripped from my arms and tranquilized for fighting back! They apprehended me and almost put me in jail for fighting peacekeepers to get to you! You don't think it killed _me_ just as badly to be away from you?" she didn't respond. What? Did I just say that? I mean it was the truth, but what? She saw my own surprise I what I had said. Did she feel the same?

"No, it didn't." she was denying that someone could feel that way for her. She was pushing me away again. "NO! It didn't!" Rain shouted. I tried calming her down to no avail. She just wanted to get it all out and was aiming it all at me. "NO! YOU DIDN'T CARE-"

"Stop screaming. You'll ruin your voice-"

"I dont give a SHIT about my voice!" she yelled even louder. "You left me to _die_! you left me _alone_! Just like you did to Grey when he died! You did _nothing_!" she huffed. So this is why she was so upset. She did blame me for his death, but everything else only fueled that anger and hate. "YOU DID FUCKING _NOTHING_!"

"Shhh! shh shh shh..." I tried grabbing her to keep her from hurting herself on the road. I knew if given the opportunity, in her rage she would twist her ankle or injure herself in some way. Her vocal chords were already strained. Once I finally got her in my grasp I wasted no time in pinning her to myself to keep her anger at me and not anywhere else. "I'm sorry, Rain..." She needed to release it all, and knowing she hated being held like this, I kept her back to me to make it more difficult to get away.

"NO! NO!" her screams turned into sobs. I would have several bruises on my chest and arms in the morning from her hitting and scratching to get away from me in the frenzied, emotional burst. With every gasp and mumble of 'I hate you', her body shook against mine. "You killed him! I hate you. You killed him..."

"I know... I'm sorry." It brought tears to my own eyes because it was the truth. I had focus al my effort on making her look like the one to vote on, but didn't take into account what she would be like without Grey by her side once it was over. The people loved her. Just her. Because of me, Grey died. His blood stained my hands the most of everyone.

She needed help getting inside by the time she had no voice left. Instead of fighting me she sat shaking like a wet dog. I brought her inside and up to her room where I took her shoes off and helped her get in the bed.

Either she would forgive me or hate me, but at least we started somewhere.

* * *

 **So Finnick's POV right?**

 **I wrote this from Rain's perspective first, but then had experinmented with Fin's for a while just to see how different it could be or see the different emotions or perspective.**

 **Hopefully it wasn't to jumbled or rushed for y'all!**

 **Please review your thoughts on it / Follow to see what happens next / favourite to know you guys like it!**


	7. Chapter 7

**I AM A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING... I'm sorry for not updating last week. There was a sudden change I had to edit while also remaking my tea pot for ceramics II because the first one had cracks all over and detached in some places... ugh... but now I'm back! I hope you all are still intereste where te story is going and how it will tie into the Cannon HG story with Katniss (oops. spoilers!) Please review / Follow Favourite if you haven't already so You know exactly when I'm posting next!**

 **Shout out to** **to all the countires who have viewed my story this month so far: United States (a ton) and the Philippines! Thank you! AND thank you to those who have read Raining Grey before hand! Getting lots of views on that as well!**

 **-Miche**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 7: Vocal rest**_

I rolled over with a sigh before wincing from the sun. _Ugh, why did it have to be so bright right now? Why was my throat sore?_ My eyes squinted open and saw the small glass of water and painkillers on my bedside table. With my cheeks feeling puffy, eyes dried out, and ams heavy, I reached slowly for them. I hadn't eaten normally in a few days, so what happened last night only made me worse.

The water soothed my throbbing throat as I swallowed the pills. Though, It was only temporary as I finished the water in seconds. I sat up to see I was wearing the clothes from the previous day, so changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt. This was my home, I didn't need to dress up or wear a bra for that matter. I descended on the soft carpeted staircase, and recognized the smell of pancakes. They were similar to how Saxon made them, but instead of almond extract, it was something else. Nutmeg? Allspice?

But while someone _was_ cooking, my father, mother, and April all sat at the table eating the cakes and toast with smiles all too happy.

"Rain!" My father hugging me. "There's someone here to see you." He was truly excited for whoever was waiting for me. Would it be beneficial to his business?

I coughed, "Why are there PK's?" I asked looking at the two guarding the study. My voice was raspy and not near ready for any long conversations.

"Finnick, would you take April and the things you all bought today upstairs? He wants to speak with Rain alone." I hadn't noticed Finnick had been here, but from the look they exchanged, they both knew who the man behind the door was. What was so terrifying about him that my own father had hints of fear in his smile?

Finnick gave me a look of worry and fear. He may know what I was about to get into. Would Snow be asking me to do what he does? No. I'm not desireable like he was. He probably wanted to discuss my recent mental break and revival and wanted to specialize it in another interview.

The door was opened externally by one of the officers standing guard, and I entered as if under interrogation. Low and behold, It was president Snow who sat in my father's desk. Everything hand been arranged differently. Too clean to be exact. There were roses and lavenders placed around the room giving it the smell of a funeral home.

"Hello, Rain. Please have a seat."

If president Snow was inside my house, then that meant whatever he had to say was of the utmost importance to me and my family.

There had been a chair placed in front of him that originally was next to the bar and under the front window. Four other guards were interspersed through the room at the exits and windows, one even right next to him. There were reasons they kept so many guards on the old man.

I obliged in sitting, believing I had no choice.

"To what honour have you visited my family and I today, President Snow?"

"There's no need to be so formal, I know what you think of the games and my influence in them." he was right no doubt, but how did he know? "I can tell when people are lying just as well as you, dear Rain. Even better. So it wasn't surprising to hear you shouting your mentor's name before you were declared victor."

The memory flushed back to my mind. All the physical and mental agony I had gone through: watching Barely die, Maple tortured, Pann kidnapped and killed, hanging Ginger, letting Willow slip, watching Coal scream for her life, letting Solar slip, and watching Grey die out in my arms knowing I couldn't stop any of it from happening. _I didn't deserve to be alive._ It was only by chance and being in a group that I won. I wasn't proud of it, I know I never will be.

"And I can see your regret every time you look at him."

"Who-?"

"Do not lie." He cut me off with his deeper timbre. "Please. Do I have to repeat what I previously stated?"

"Why have you come then, if it isn't to mock me?" Honesty was the requirement for this conversation and also to be informal.

"I have a proposition I think you won't refuse." He smiled making me wait for his next explanation. "Two things have been brought to my attention. One: that you and Mr. Odair have entered a sort of relationship to where the people are calling you 'a couple'. I do not like the idea of victors being together and bringing the attention of the people away from the reason they are alive. They need to focus on what it means to be a person of Panem."

"By killing children?"

"By obeying our rules and seeing the fear in too much freedom. They cannot be distracted by long distance ideas of love and infatuation. Only if those ideas last the night will everything fall back to normal." He crossed his hands in his lap, looking right into my soul. I feared what his next word would be, hoping they wouldn't be true.

"What else?" Again I was shaky in my vocalization, the night before really showing its effect on my vocal chords.

"They have also shown a great interest in favouritism towards not only Finnick, but in you as well." I knew what that was directed towards. They enjoyed my physical appearance and wanted to either be me or do me. _Finnick was right._

This could this be similar to the meeting Finnick and he had when Finnick was forced into the deed. Perhaps this is why Snow was wanting me to keep up my appearance. No, Maybe he was just intimidating and I was reading things differently than he meant to imply. I tried turning the conversation to what I planned on doing and wanted to do for a long time. This could help me get there.

"Then they can look at me on stage when I perform or interview. I'm thinking of taking up a musical career and maybe produce a few albums-" Train of thought ended with his reiteration.

"Must I repeat: many people of Panem and the Capitol have shown _interest_ in you." Snow was playing chess with me, a game where he had every move charted and planned from the moment I came into the picture. He would win and he knew it. " _Interest_ in your looks, _Interest_ in how you move, why you are the way you are: the intimate side of the famous Rain Troute." Snow saw my blank face at the realization to what he was proposing I do. He smiled.

"W-... What are you suggesting." It wasn't a question but a statement on knowing the truth but wanting to deny it.

 _Check..._

"That if you wish to keep your 'status' among the people, you will need to fulfill the orders I am about to give you." My breathing increased. "I have many clients up in the Capital. Many have business opportunities I wish to invest in with the government as well as outside sources. Through my string of what I call 'orators', I will be able to convince them to do as I say." My voice wasn't worth arguing with. Whether he was asking me or ordering me I couldn't quite tell. "You will be doing your nation proud."

 _And Mate..._

"I won't be _doing_ ." If I lived, it didn't matter. I cheated my way here. If I died, it would be a release of this twisted world. Plus, Finnick would be free. Doing what he suggested of me just now was far worse than being killed.

Snow's smile turned sour into a frown of disappointment. He stood and walked over to the large window. "I want you to see something. You see, Rain, I have ways of ensuring the best for my nation. They look to me as a ruler. How can I show them I know what I'm doing if there are people like you who never give things a chance? People like you, and the people you love."

The door opened and my father was ushered in. April unfortunately waited by the door, it left open. Why was he being let in? Where was Finnick to keep her back?! The guards force him on his knees in front of me, and with two on either side of us both, a fifth guard pulled a gun out on my father's head, point blank. He wouldn't be able to react if shot. Just a bang and he'd be dead. My father, who I never said thank you to for everything he did or sorry enough for the things I fought with him about or said to him.

"No no no! Please!" the man reloaded the gun, pushing it at my father's head. "I'll do it, just don't kill him!"

"Good. See all you needed was a little motivation. I would hate to see what would happen if you refuse anything again." and with a nod to one of the guard, he relaxed his arm and Snow left. I ran to my father letting him hold me.

"It's okay, it's okay. I'm still here." April was confused as she came back in scared. The same guard handed me a letter as she ran to dad. It was sealed with the symbol of Panem to read.

"The train will take you at the end of the next week to the Capitol where a cab will be waiting to take you to your destination." His low timbre echoed in the smaller room as the other guards filled out after him.

I couldn't believe what I had just agreed to

* * *

The building I stood in front of was your average hotel. Average for the Capitol that is. With everything either silver or gold leafed, it was the richest hotel I'd ever been inside. Sure there were inns at Four, but not very many and they weren't as decorated.

The carpet, once I entered, was a dark shade of merlot, with gold patterns glittering around. Tables of dark wood, and chrome adorned the lobby, and was only compete with a giant chandelier in the center, reaching up to the fourth floor.

What didn't help the most was the skin tight, black and gold dress I was wearing. It had to be two sizes too small, and made my thighs look like sausage, and my boobs squeeze over the sides. It wasn't my choice or Leo's, but the organizers of all the "orators" in the Capitol's disposal who sent me the dress along with the room number: Room 621. Nothing more, nothing less. No description of the man I'd be seeing, or why he chose me of all people. the only thing I guessed from what Snow had explained originally, was this man had to be rather wealthy to buy my "services" so quickly.

"Sixth floor, Ms. Troute." My hand was unsteady while getting the room card from the concierge. I hadn't eaten all day out of anxiety, and the place was cold enough for me to feel goosebumps at every subtle breeze. Everyone seems to look at me as I passed, but it may have just been my own paranoia.

"Thank you." I made my way to the elevator, collapsing once the doors closed, but composed enough of myself to slowly walk off when It was my floor. I couldn't afford to smear ay makeup I had on. Crying was useless and pathetic.

I knew this would be nothing like my first time, because I didn't have a choice. Was this considered rape? Or was it consensual because I agreed because my family would die otherwise? My own hand had signed the papers no questions asked in fear someone else could die. And it wasn't like I even tried to wager with my own life before agreeing- _No. I didn't want this._ It was against every respect I still had for myself. This was an invasion of privacy. This was rape.

My thoughts swam around my head as I reached for the card slot, and then suddenly cleared and focused once it unlocked.

This was it.

Maybe he would be a nice man, just older than me, in some sort of pain, and I'd be able to talk with him more than anything. Perhaps that's what I could be helpful for with these people: Talking and being there for them mentally not sexually.

The room was warmer than the rest of the building, I found that comforting. Dark violet carpet clashed with the chartreuse walls and red bed spread. I was surprised as to who it was sitting on the bed and checking his phone. His blue eyes glanced up to meet mine.

"S-Seneca?" his returning smile was tainted with some sort of sadness or disappointment.

"Hey, Rain." I walked over to embrace him but stopped when he rose.

"Are you the one-?"

"No, I'm not one of those people, I just knew the suite you'd be coming to and had your schedule changed to accommodate a quick conversation with myself."

"Oh, okay then. So what did you want to talk about?"

"I just wanted to know why..." He looked troubled. "Why you chose this for yourself-?"

"Whoa, stop. You think I'd choose this?" _Was he serious?_ What gave him that idea?

"That's what I thought." He said with a sigh. As relieved as he was, I wasn't done talking. The fact he even questioned that I would have said yes without being blackmailed showed he didn't really know me. "I didn't think you were like that, but-"

"But what? You really think I have this low of self esteem of myself?" The anger I felt about doing this job in general was focused on him. "You think I'd use this as some sort of leverage to get my name out there?"

"No-!"

"I never had a choice from the moment I won those games. In fact, I really never had a choice in anything since my name was called out at the reaping ceremony." Both out expressions were very opposite to who we were. Seneca was always a very sure person and put together. Now, he was just as unraveled as I was. The addition for me was anger. "And if I may speak freely, why the hell did you save me from that living hell?" He was surprised at my words.

"I did not choose, I-I _couldn't_ choose to save you, Rain. Do you know how biased and against every rule out there that would be-?" As he became for defensive, his arms folded in themselves.

"Maybe, but I chose to die. You couldn't have given me that courtesy?"

"I apologize for doing my job and saving you before it was too late. Before the Public would go absolutely chaotic if there wasn't a Victor." What did he mean by that? 'No victor.' Did that mean... "And to answer your next question, Your district partner, Grey, was gone before you even took your second breath of water." It had been his cannon I heard. That memory had been blocked out by mental barriers from in the pain. I didn't remember half of what happened. Just that I had seen Finnick and kissed him, falling asleep on the train and waking to a conversation with Deary, and Grey's ocean funeral.

"How dare you mention him-"

"Rain, I respected your choice-"

"You LET him die, didn't you?"

"I was ready to save him the instant you dove under, but-"

"I get it you're the newest Game Maker and you have to put your input on things, but you could have just saved him and let me go-!" Not noticing I had been yelling at him, he cut me off with a good shake of my shoulders.

"His heart stopped beating!" I was silent as his thumbs felt like hot coals on my skin. "I waited it out the five allotted after cardiac arrest just incase, but it was you being tossed around in the water and waves after attempting to kill yourself that sealed his fate-" My eyes broke from his first.

"Dammit... There wasn't anything you could have done-"

"He was gone. Protocol calls for a canon immediately." He lett out a very controlled sigh. "But I waited." The blood has rushed slightly to his face as we argued.

"Why respect me?"

"I don't know-"

"Seneca Crane, why didn't you let me die? If anything since Grey was gone, just let me die!"

"I wasn't allowed!"

"You weren't allowed or you wouldn't let me?" Seneca had said I could speak freely here so I was taking that advantage. He was a loss for words, unable to come back with an argument which told me it was the truth. "So you did save me?"

"Yes." I waited.

"Why-?"

"Because out of all the death in those weeks, you were the one person, my first Victor, who I could save. I couldn't stop the killing of the others. My advisors pressed the buttons for me as I watch, So I'm just as at fault for them. I saved you because I could. I had the power to, so I did."

I get he may have been thrilled to have his first Victor as Gamemaker, but in the entirety of things, he could have shown what the Capitol's power was by letting me die. Showing that sometimes there is no victory.

"But now I've noticed you are different than the rest of those who've won. Everything you have been given you don't want, yet you play the part. You never truly survived that arena. You have died. Or at least your fire has."

I refused to meet his glare for a minute as the tension subsided.

"Unless you start to feel like yourself again, don't bother calling me." the merlot glossed card fell next to me as he walked past me. It had his name, business number, house number, and also personal number written on the back.

He left the room, leaving only time for me. Ten minutes until my first client.


	8. Chapter 8

_**SURPRISE! SECOND CHAPTER! (Because I missed last weeks and wanted to keep up)**_

* * *

 _ **Chapter 8: Assimilation**_

It had been about a month and a half since my first week of business. It was a horrendous thing for me to get used to or to overlook the work ethic of it, but things were settling down.

I had a purpose in life. Whether or not something good came out of it, I was keeping my family alive by doing this.

Snow obliged in letting me also begin recording in the Capitol as a cover up for why I was there so often. A guide took me to Gold Records Studio which was held in a mirror and glass building. In other floors and wings of the place there were different students studying many of the other arts such as painting, piano, orchestral instruments or arrangements, dance, theatre and other forms of art. Only the most prestigious and talented in the Capitol were given scholarships to go. They never applied to get in but rather are scouted and given openings to come and train.

When I got a request form, I was shocked I was allowed in. Snow knew I had a taste for music and I did know all the basics. He allowed me to take classes in piano to fine tune my abilities as well as meet with a voice lesson teachers to widen my range and genre. The scheduling of the school called for two straight weeks, with Saturdays and Sundays for weekends, and then one week off for break. With classes beginning in August, they could have school all year round, having a three week break between class years.

In the past I'd been trained in school classically, as well as in opera, pop, and also to create my own sound. Blending with other voices never worried me, it was being compared to the other students that did. Many of them knew me the first day I showed up, all gasping and whispering to each other about me. After a month I was fully integrated in their social system.

I spent the mornings at a coffee cafe near to where my classes were. It had a modern yet traditional feel with wood, raw steel, and rusty looking lamps. Everything was either painted or purposely done to look rustic and old, but close up you saw the thin layer of plastic or glass over everything.

That jewel of a place is where I was able to purchase, with the credit card Snow gave me to use, a latte that had all whole milk foamed, with shots of caramelized espresso. Best of all, when I asked for them to add chai flavouring, no one looked at me strangely. It was as if I blended right in with the rest of the culture. That was neither comforting nor an insult to myself. They happily gave me it, not paying any attention as to who I was. It was perfect there.

In my second week, I had a regular spot at table near a window that overlooked the fountain area across the street. I would listen to my musical training homework for the day on my laptop, which I had purchased for me to work with. Enjoying the slow buzz of the shop, I glanced up to think about a chord progression name and saw someone familiar.

He didn't see me at first, but after glancing around the quaint shop with a small smile, he saw me. His blue eyes putting ice in my veins. Those blue eyes I had seen every shade of in one night. The ones that held mind so tenderly and passionately, but could also pierce anyone who wronged him.

Seneca Crane.

He was wearing a lighter grey suit with perfectly placed darker accents. Today, instead of being greased back, his longer top hair was pulled into a small bun, tied with a small, black, silk ribbon. Looking at him dressed so well, I could basically smell his cologne. Of course, I _physically_ couldn't, but from what I remembered of him, he had an excellent sense for smell.

He saw me in my casual clothing, and I suddenly felt underdressed. All I had on were a sweater, shirt, and leggings. My hair was let out of its braid I had put in the night before, after I'd taken a shower, so it fluffed around me in a slight craze. Snow had hired me a home makeup artist that would alway check my appearance before I left for anywhere and would occasionally go with me to social gatherings. However they always kept me rather natural. Nothing like the women who'd catch his eye here, but still prettier than before.

I thought he was making his way over to sit by me, so I stumbled to 'casually' clear the spot across from me. It turned out he was only getting in line for his coffee. The bar was near where I sat, so it was an easy mistake. It still left me in a cloud of giddiness. I sighed in the release of my slight panic, crossed my legs, and focused again on my project by putting my headphones in place.

He scared me by sitting down where I planned earlier. I jumped a bit, but then put many of my papers back in my bag. He wasn't facing me while I did this, but kept his posture out into the store as he read his news head. I saw he had been reluctant to shave his beard, leaving it more full and dark against his cream skin. It was perfectly shaped and made him look even more powerful and sophisticated, as strange as that sounds.

His eyes snapped at me in a blink, and I was caught staring. The small corner of his mouth curved at my blush, and he continued reading. He was the reason I was alive and the reason Grey wasn't, but I had truly realized that only within the recent weeks. I couldn't necessarily stay mad entirely at him, It was his job, but I wanted to know why he saved me and not Grey.

We stayed like that, not talking for another twenty minutes when he finished his coffee and I had to leave for class. His eyes followed me as I packed my things and threw away my napkins from my egg sandwich breakfast. I felt them burning my skin, his blue eyes had that effect on me.

I had everything finished, and bought a water bottle for class as I left, he headed for the door simultaneously. Seneca opened it for me.

"Thank you."

"Anytime."

Those were our only words that day.

* * *

On wednesday, I came in for my usual routine to the same shop, but saw someone sitting in my spot. It was him again. This time he had a sort of tablet with him he was reading and typing on. I knew he worked with some stocks and investments, but he was also creating ideas and production possibilities for future Games.

Today I had to dress more formally for my vocal class, workshopping our in-progress pieces we'd present at midterm to the class. I wore a black dress with a blue belt and shoes, my hair braided back on my left side, and let down in ironed curls on the right. I felt more appropriate compared to his dress this time, as he wore a similar suit today, with different colours. He kept the 'man bun' do.

"May I sit here?" he looked up at me, just noticing I entered. His eyes widened looking at my dress. Piercing blue eyes observed me enter and shown no sign in weakness.

"Yes, please." and he gestured for me to sit happily. Again I felt his eyes on me as I set everything up, but when I looked back at him, he focused again on his tablet with a sip of espresso and cream. I had trouble searching for my music document, having a bit of a freakout, and forgot he was there for a minute. Right as it loaded in front of me, I saw him sitting back down with a second cup in his hand. It scooted towards me as he watched for a response.

"What's this?"

"Your order." I looked and saw it was my coffee order down to the single packet of raw sugar added. A smile found its way from my lips to my eyes as I saw it in my hand. How had he known that was my order? "This way you'll speak to me, by thanking me."

"Thank you." I said maybe a little too shocked as I took a satisfying sip. Ah, perfection. It was correct in every way.

"Has no one ever bought your coffee before?" my eyes opened to see him with a questioning smile.

"Never correctly."

"Hmm. I guess I'm _not_ your first cup then." I saw in his eyes he had a second meaning to that statement. I let a small laugh escaped my mouth.

"Really?" he enjoyed getting the reaction out of me.

"What?" he was being tricky and witty.

"Oh don't say that, I know what you were talking about."

"All I said was that there have probably been other people who tried to get your coffee order, none of them ever got close enough, and so it makes me the one with your first _good_ cup of coffee. There is no double meaning." I raised an eyebrow at him. "I promise." no he didn't.

"It is pretty good coffee."

"Mmm." he sipped his own.

"Very strong."

"I'd have to agree with that. They also have a very smooth brew here, perfect for a little pick-me-up." he took a sip of his own. "Especially after a long night-"

"Okay, changing the subject." he smirked in satisfaction. "What are your plans for the week?"

"Meetings, scheduling for President Snow's public appearances, and discussing investments with growing businesses in the area."

"Do you always come here?"

"Usually in the early mornings. Before you get here. The one time you saw me so late was because I had a meeting earlier than usual and didn't get any coffee beforehand."

"I was still disappointed you didn't say hi."

"You were working on homework-" I winced at the term.

"A project. It's different than homework. 'homework' makes me sound like I'm a kid."

"You're eighteen-"

"And in the most prestigious arts school in Panem. Where you you at my age?"

"Attending college for business and architecture. I wanted to build things and monuments growing up. Being Gamemaker thirteen years later, just fell under that practice and skill requirement."

"So that makes you... Thirty one-."

"Thirty two last month." Wow... "I'm becoming an old man."

"I'm nineteen in October." I said back. Yes I was shocked at our age difference, but I couldn't believe we were actually getting to know each other. I thought we'd only be a fling of an argument that night, but things were looking up.

Before my classes every monday and Friday for the next month and a half, I would meet Seneca for breakfast and coffee. He was kind hearted, even for a Game Maker. We spoke about the differences in our lives living in the Capitol and districts and what we found pleasing and not in each. He never liked how the outer districts were treated, believing everyone should have a fair shot in the games he created, and always wanted his strategy to be challenging for all the skill types. Poisoned fruit or animals for the hunters, weapons and survival gear for those not so experienced, and organic surrounding opportunities for ways of survival. He even made sure I had a trident to even playing field in my games.

"Isn't that favouritism?"

"Not if they didn't know I had my eye on you."

"Oh really? Since when?"

"That night you snuck into my bedroom." I smiled. "And again in training. You held your breath for how long? Seven and a half minutes? You came out panting a storm, but regained composure in a snap. I was fascinated in your strong self-control."

"Not because I was completely drenched and cold?"

"It may have helped." he fake contemplated. "But it was they slip of excitement you had in your eyes that really got my attention. You were shocked and so proud of your scoring. It's why I allowed a ten and a half for your score."

We never spoke about my time in the arena, or the argument we had over my choices and the aftermath of the games.

One time we had been walking to the park where we occasionally made lunch plans, when a new jewelry store opened up near by. Of course I had to stop and look at what they had in the windows. He was patient even through the rain that day as I glanced around at it all for the thirty seconds I had. He never said a thing to move me from that spot, but grabbed my hand and hurried me under his umbrella.

Today, now in mid-October, we had spoken briefly of the crazy types of people we've encountered both in districts and in the Capitol.

"I don't like what I do, but I do it to be trusted and well known."

"For wealth?"

"No." He leant in. "There have been talks of something big coming." What was he attempting to convey with this? "Talks of something that could bring the system crashing down." I saw he found joy in the idea of a rebellion. The flame was in his eyes.

"What-?"

"We can speak privately about this later." There were those few times we would run into the other in the same intersection we left at every morning. We would occasionally have dinner or just an evening coffee and talk.

"I'm booked for next month's appointment times while I'm here-"

"I've put in a good message with Snow for a request of your presence at 7:00 pm after your Friday classes. We will talk then."

"Okay." I finished my omelet, and got my things ready for class. "And just to clarify," I stopped him thinking of something he would find entertaining, "Are we just going to talk?" I said with a smirk. The memories of our night together flickered behind my eyelids, and they seemed to reflect in his eyes as well. His eyebrows raised in surprise I would say something about that night, but he smiled none the less and came up next to me, barely touching my back.

"No promises..." and his words sense shivers down to my toes.

* * *

 **Remember to review / follow / favourite to keep up with this story!**

 **THANK YOU!**

 **-Miche :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Today I found out a dep secret a very close frind of mine has been keeping from me, and he didn't even tell me in person or probably think to. I thought I trusted him, and I even loved him. So yeah, life kind of sucks right now, but whatever...**

 **Thank you to all my readers for keeping me posting with your views / reviews / favourites / and follows.**

 **-Miche**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 9: Secrets**_

He met with me in the same place I did all my business. However, instead of a cheap room "with a view," he managed to buy the very exclusive penthouse. I was amazed as I made my way from the elevator that had taken me straight here. Seneca had to really have some money to be able to afford any of this, especially for only one night.

Marveling in the beauty of the expensive furniture, stocked kitchen, and marble floors, I didn't notice him. He entered from where the on-suite was, looking as though he had just gotten there as well.

"So." I sighed. "How have you been?"

"Good. Yourself?"

"Okay. Long week." upon our uncomfortable greetings, he gestured for the kitchen counter.

"Please, have a seat-"

"What was it you were saying on Monday?" he smiled at my diligence to get to the point. We sat at the kitchen bar table, while he got some wine glasses and a nice merlot spirit. Since we weren't in Four, I wasn't under age. So, I happily accepted a glass.

"There have been whispers and rumors of a rising threat within the Districts." That wasn't something new.

"Like a terrorist group?"

"Rebellion."

"W-What? What sort of rebellion?" Something this extreme would change everything. The system of Panem would fall. Even if the rebels did not succeed, there would be enough of a wound for others to join in the ashes. _I could be free. Finnick could be free._ "I would be free of _this_?"

"If and only if it worked." My heart still pounded."And only if you were able to get away without being seized and tortured for knowing." I almost choked on my drink. What if that' what happened to Saxon, and he hasn't gotten back to us at all because he's been...

"Is that what Snow really does - Do you know anyone who may have made it out-?"

"Yes he does, no I haven't." He spoke more about the so called torture chambers they had a half mile under ground where they kept rebelling people and tortured them to insanity. Those poor people were questioned, starved, drugged, and physically wounded in so many ways, It unnerved me just thinking about it. Having gone through enough hell, I never wanted to see that place.

"Have you heard of Tracker jackers?" I nodded, I had been stung as a young girl.

We went on vacation to an island just off of the coast, where the Capitol had control no doubt, a few years in a row. But one year, the last one, there had been a nest of Tracker jackers that had over populated the island and over took everything in sight. I was stung three times while my family were leaving the island resort, but didn't remember coming home or the rest of the week from the hallucinations and unconsciousness the venum gave me.

"The medical researchers have leaked news to only a handful of people that they have been testing a serum mixed with their venom it on animals and genetically enhancing it."

"To do what?"

"I don't know, no one does. They're rumors; started in the shadows."

"How are you still head Game Maker even if you know all this?"

"Snow doesn't know that others close to him know. It's the extremists that try speaking to the public about it that are eliminated. People like me don't reveal such secrets to others that trust Snow."

"Has he ever had a secret pinned against you?" I asked. This, I was truly curious about. Nice and good people like Seneca Crane don't get the jobs they do because of their talent. They get in because Snow wants them. They do what they do because their being blackmailed.

For the past few months, every time I pleasured anyone, I would through the session ask them questions they'd have to answer. It gave away secrets into the social life and secrets of the Capitol citizens and made me feel more apart of their lives and world. After all, I was here to stay.

With those secrets, I had a special journal I kept them in. Normally I could rewrite them to incorporate them into an entry or story so if anyone found it they'd just think it was gibberish from my everyday life. I had it organized and chartered to know exactly who said what and about who.

"I never had a secret that he could hold against me, but he has threatened my family."

"What did he say?" I was still debating whether to put this in the book or not.

"He was asking to meet with me, the first time I was ever meeting him in person. And he told me all the perks and titles of being the Game Maker. I asked him about if I had other job offers and he grew impatient saying that my family will be ashamed of me for turning down my only job offer I'd ever get. I got the gist he meant I could never be offered anything different until he was finished with me as such, and realized he was threatening poverty to my parents and sister. They knew what it was like to be poor in the Capitol, and I would never want that for them. So I took the job without a second thought and here we are."

Seneca wasn't just a fancy beard and classy dresser, he was human. And as such had a family and people he loved. He felt protective of them and did everything to keep them safe and ignorant to just how hard he worked to keep them there.

"I have my protective father, my mentally impaired mother, a little sister, and brothers. When Snow proposed I join this business, I refused. That is until he held a gun to my father's head in front of me and my sister. She's only ten. So I had no choice in accepting, saving my father's life. Snow let him go and then told me it could be anyone of my family members next if I didn't obey his orders."

"I'm sorry that happened to you and your family. Is your sister okay?"

"She's young, so it affected her greatly, as any traumatic thing would so young, but slowly I think she is able to get over it." Yep. I felt the alcohol finally kick in as things got a little dizzy and buzzed. "So now that we've chatted away our earlier conversation, where does that lead us for the rest of the night?" I eyed him, taking another sip. He smiled but didn't respond physically.

"You can have the night off." What? I never had a 'day off' when I had a scheduled client. "Spend the night doing whatever you want." He walked with me back to the door.

"Why?"

"I'm not the kind of person to force you into something you're already not happy doing." He didn't look at all conflicted in doing this. The goals he had for the night had fallen perfectly within his schedule. He bought me freedom for a day. This was more than anyone has ever done for me. Saving me from someone else putting me through the hell I live and telling me I could do whatever I wanted. In the capital of all places, was this what it was like to have someone really care about you?

As we came closer to the door, I couldn't help but feel grateful and none deserving of his gift. It must have cost a load of money to rent the penthouse, and to not even use it for anything but a conversation... He _did_ care that much.

"I will see you in a week or so-" a sudden whelm of emotion went through me and I hugged him for this. It was the only way I could express my gratitude to him. Words and saying thank you were useless in explaining how much this meant.

"Thank you... so much." His arms slowly wrapped around me, making me feel small. I had gained back a bit of weight since coming to the Capitol, but was still in recovery from my dark time. It was strange hugging him.

"You're welcome."

* * *

I left the hotel that night and slowly made my way back to my apartment. It was around eight in the evening, and the sun was already set. Being later in the year now, It was a tad colder outside. My apartment given to me by Snow was only a few blocks away. However low the temperature was, I still felt a burning on my face from the way Seneca had looked at me.

He had a sad smile, but it was also happy. He wasn't wanting me to leave, but looked content to make me so happy. I knew that being around him always made me have a better mood. Some mornings he would have meetings or other exchange projects to work on early, so he had to miss our breakfasts together. I wouldn't know whether he was coming in or not, and would still wait five minutes later to see if he'd still show.

It sounds pathetic when said aloud, but emotionally I couldn't help it. We were friends and friends waited for eachother. Sometimes it felt as though we were more, but that was foolish, right? There would be no chance in any situation that we would be anything but what we were. Even if I had feelings for him, they were irrelevant. Thirteen years separated him from me. It wasn't like he felt anything afterwards.

My room was cooler than I had left it from lack of turning on the heater this morning. I dressed in my pajamas before double locking the door and bolting it. I was paranoid ever since my games that someone or something would get in and try to kill me.

Sleeping proved no challenge. From my slightly drunken state, I was out as soon as my head hit my pillow.

* * *

 _It wasn't supposed to happen again. not again..._

 _My sister stood to my right, my father my left, and brothers on either side of them. We were all on the platforms, and the timer was about to go off. Every time I looked at it it was counting down from 10. The tightening in my chest once again kept me from breathing normally. This was all too real. But they weren't in here the last time I was! Why were they here now?_

 _The bell rang and I ran into the forest, thinking my family would follow me. But this time I didn't have anything to protect myself. Someone was following me, I could hear their breathing and footsteps in toe with mine. I had to run._

 _Run. Run! RUN!_

 _Hard hands grabbed me and threw me to the ground, and a body managed to force me down and sit atop my stomach. It was so dark, I could see who it was, and dirt had gotten in my eyes. Even without my vision, I knew who it was by their touch. The hands softened and the person leaned over to kiss me, and hold that kiss. His hair tickled my forehead as his stubble softly scratched my chin. His lips moved down my neck as our hands rampaged over the both of us._

 _Then it stopped when he huffed out a breath. I looked down and saw red between us. The sickly and foul metastatic red liquid I knew all too well. I released my hand from what I thought was his shirt, but felt the cool metal hilt instead. I had stabbed him on accident. He had gone to lay on me, but my knife got him. He stopped breathing as the same red spilt out his mouth. Glass shattered around me and the darkness approached him._

 _No.. Anyone but him... He deserves so much more-_

I woke out of breath and with wet eyes, but was glad to be away from it... My breath escaped my lips after I noticed it was being held in, and I dug my head deeper into my pillow. Today wasn't great off the bat.

I was leaving this upcoming morning and for once wasn't really dreading when I'd have to come back. I was more reluctant to leave while packing the few things I kept with me in both places. My feelings for going home should be happy and excited, I'd always been glad to go home and see my dad, April, and my mother.

I had finished the main packing the day before and was about to start on other little necessities, when there was a knock at my door. I never got visitors, always making plans away from my personal life. The peephole allowed me to see a doorman outside with something in his hands. A present? The strange thing about this was I never told people my birthday. It had been the day I first killed those three (no. four now...) years ago. It wasn't my favourite day, so I never told people. But who here would know about it?

"Hello?" I opened it to reveal what I had seen to be true. He was holding a blue ribboned, gray papered present.

"Hello ma'am, I package arrived for you." The box looked about six by three by two inches, so it was small and manageable to carry. Narrowing the object inside to being jewelery I slowly thanked him and went back inside. If this was something from Snow, it would never touch my skin... "Ms. Troute, the cab to pick you up will be here at seven pm tonight."

"Thank you, Darius." I smiled shutting the door. He was a kind, gray haired, older gentleman just paying his bills and enjoying life. He could. He lived in the Capitol.

I disregarded the small note attached, tossing the paper on the floor, but froze suddenly.

"No way..." I whispered aloud. The small creme box read: _Frances DiVikrogh & Co. _in a beautiful golden script. This was the place I awed over while walking past the windows. They always had beautiful pieces of gold and silver accessories. It was never too flashy from what I saw, but still held the simple wonder in their pieces. Surely someone had been following me and bought it when seeing me aw at the thing.

My hands were shaking as I opened it to reveal the velvet cushion to which the wonderful heart necklace was placed. It was my favourite to see for the thirty seconds I did every time I walked past it. The store was situated a block away from brownston and fifth drive, where Seneca and I would have breakfast-

 _Oh my gosh..._

My hands set it down carefully as I searched for the small card on the paper. When I found it, it had fallen with the ribbon under my coffee table. The small black letters told me the truth behind it all.

 _Happy Birthday_

 _-S. Crane_

I dropped the present carefully on the table, grabbed my key, and as fast as my feet could take me, I ran to where Darius would be headed. Luckily intercepting him right as he got in the elevator, I slammed my hand in the way.

"DARIUS!" he stopped and looked puzzled to why I was so rushed. "Darius, who gave you that package?"

"E-er.. A nice man in a dark gray suit. He said that I needed to make sure I got it to you before you left-?"

"Did he have blue eyes, strong jaw and about this tall?" I indicated with my hand as he became worried with me.

"Yes-."

"When did he give it to you?"

"Just a few moments before I gave it-"

"Why did he go?" Darius was being too slow in his answers I needed to know now so I could find him.

"He went west on Barlebalem avenue-"

"Heading toward his apartment..." I cut him off again only to run to the stairs. He wasn't getting away from me like Willow or Coal. I wouldn't let it happen. Once I made it through the doors, I had realized it was cooler out, but it didn't matter whether I had pajama pants on or regular pants. I needed to find him and tell him.

How could I not have seen it before? I was always so blind to others around me no matter how well I thought I wasn't. All reasons as to why he had this fondness for me crossed my mind at about a million miles an hour (or so it felt).

People rushed all around me. I was bumped into, knocked almost completely over, and avoided at all cost as the citizens hummed around me. I knew his apartment was west of mine and to the north a bit, just a few blocks away, so if he was still heading to his apartment I could find him. If not, then I'd be foolish for doing this.

My feel rushed to take me in the direction of where he might be. My head was fuzzy and light as all I could do was search for him or someone looking like him in the crowds and streets.

That's when I saw him. His face was clean from any facial hair, and he had his longer hair trimmed to a shorter slicked back style. A strange feeling in my chest and stomach hit me seeing him now. It had changed in me once I saw what he had gotten me. The heart necklace I'd seen was one that resembled what my mother always wore. It was the one thing she never forgot about in her state.

I never took my eyes from him as I let the crowd bring us together. He was stuck at a crosswalk that had yet to walk, and I was in one heading towards him. The tie around his neck had been loosened, so it was a possibility he was off work already?

A car horn suddenly blared in my ears before something large and mechanical flew right in front of me. The crowd and everyone in earshot turned to look. Including him. His eyes were shocked and surprised to see me there in those cloths. His eyes held yes the shock, but also acknowledgement to why I was here.

"Rain?" I saw him mouth. His eyebrows scrunched in disbelief as I ran to him.

I was numb to everything around me. He was closer now, or was I? Anyways he was within arms reach, so I reached and he caught me. Just one step closer to him..

Before we both knew where, how, and why we got to each other, our lips met in a much needed kiss. The public reacted slightly,but honestly no one really turned an eye. He was taller than me by a head, but it wasn't any trouble for either of us. He picked me up and then set me down to keep kissing me. I felt his hands moving to try and keep me as close as possible through the people wandering around us. I used to hate being picked up, but it was Seneca who did it, it was him that made me feel safe enough.

We parted, my hands on his coat and his on my waist.

"Are you busy right now?" I whispered. He smiled finally noticing the world around us. Our eyes both glanced around wondering who was watching.

"Uh, no. I was called off-" I kissed him to shut him up.

"That's convenient." Understanding my reference immediately, I didn't have to wonder exactly which apartment was his. Hand in hand, he brought me there.

We continued what happened in the streets into the elevator before landing on his floor. There, he picked me up my the legs again, and carried me there.

Nothing was left undone or unsaid after we entered his home.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hope everyone in the US or anyone who celebrates has an amazing Thanksgiving!**

 **Thank you to my readers and Favourites/Followers!**

 **-Miche**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 10: Happy Birthday**_

I let out another sigh before turning and carving perfectly to his form, resting my head on his chest and arm. He accommodated my position well, rolling to his back and slipping the same arm around me to play with the hair draped over my arm.

"I would say we're good friends. Would you?" That was something I actually hadn't been thinking of. Usually I was one step ahead of everything, homework on time, being purposely five minute late exactly for my clients, and even driving or leaving places at the minute every day. I was punctual and well at understanding things. He came up in my blind spot, being something that I knew was there but never really saw until now.

He was a great man. Very thoughtful. However cold and distant he may seem to the world around him, he was roughly entirely grounded. Like me, he liked to observe people from time to time. Not normally engaging in a conversation, but listening to the cues and answers each view point made. He had a young heart for his experienced and intelligent mind, still being fun and witty when he wanted.

Besides our coffee dates, I never saw him smile much. He was closed off to showing everyone himself but me. That made him special, and made me feel special in return that he trusted me like that. Well, I sure he'd always have a place in my heart for him being the first person I gave myself to willingly. He'd always be that special at the least.

"Very good friends. I'd say we've come a long while since our first encounter."

"That was quite a night to remember, if I may say so." Seneca's second favourite type of love language I knew was physical touch. When finishing our coffees he would walk the same way with me to my classes as were his main building was. He'd occasionally wait for me to bump his shoulder only to bump me back on purpose. On busy days, the streets were filled with many crazy looking people. I'd take his hand more times than others when follow me through them. However little we did touch, keeping our relationship unattached, he would instantly relax anytime we did. I saw a tenseness in his arms and neck sometimes that could only be helped by a simple touch to his shoulder or three second hand hold.

I kept my hand moving along his stomach, feeling every muscle and every curve of him from side to side. He didn't have many prominent features now as he was completely spent and relaxed under my touch. His hand met mine near his diaphragm.

"Where does this leave us?" He wanted to know if with us being perfect together and having relations now made us something more than friends. I was excited by the idea. My first love still plagued my mind, as I suspected he always might, but right now I would be proud to be Seneca's partner (or whatever we called each other).

"More than where we started." He looked to have a conflicting expression on his face.

He never had many secrets to share, whether he was withholding some or never held any, I still inquired on what he may say. "I've never had something like this in a long time." I was shocked. "I've never been as emotional when doing this-or rather, the feeling I get when I see you - I -."

"Thank you-?"

"No I-I'm saying..." He was a bit flustered exporting all these verbal emotions out at once. I was good at just picking up what he felt, so him explaining it made it hard for him to accept it. "Doing this with you - not the fact we finally did 'it' - with you was good... I mean not that I thought that it would be bad - BUT not to suggest that I thought about this-!" he was stumbling over his words, and I felt him become more and more uncomfortable around me as he kept jumbling his thoughts. I understood them perfectly, though.

"You really like me?" he sighed, gathering himself.

"Yes, and I promise it wasn't because of what they've made you to be."

"Then when was it?" it was my job to push his buttons a little.

"It cliche."

"Tell me."

"So cliche... The time we first met. I knew who you were immediately, watching all the reapings as they happened, but I didn't want you to know who I was, because I didn't want you to act a specific way around me. And I got the real you, the one afraid of being here, which you had all the reason to. I saw a real human being in that half an hour than I had ever experienced in the Capitol."

"That's why you fancied me?"

"That and when you held your breath for so long in your sponsor review." I smiled. It was quite the accomplishment for myself at that time. "When I knew it was far past fancying you, was when you were fighting the boy from Five, Solar, on that rock. I payed little attention to the others as I watched things happen.

"One technician ordered for a wave to hit the rock and possibly run up the sides of it, killing the both of you instantly. I cancelled the order, and in turn it caused an earthquake to erupt knocking Solar off in the process. Allowing you to be victorious from that."

I sat up and covered my mouth. I didn't look at him because I didn't want him to see my shock. He did save me. But at Solar's cost. A weight seemed to lift, knowing it wasn't all of my fault he died, however I still could have pulled him up If I had been quicker.

"I'm sorry. I take all the blame for killing him, as I take every death with me for all of them. I just wanted you to know. I never thought _this_ would happen."

"It's not that."

"What then?"

"Just, what else made you choose me?"

"When you were crowned Victor. You thought you didn't deserve it, that everyone who was in your care who died earned it more than you did. It was humbling for someone so powerful and strong. It made me see you differently."

"And then you bought me-?"

"I needed to know you didn't choose this simply because you were famous now and we're still suffering from your loss. If I didn't warn you, you'd change from the strong person I knew you were." he was so considering in his tone and eyes I had to look away from him. I was just doing what had been right and doing what could save my family. "Even now, you can't see how beautiful you are." I blushed and felt myself smile against trying not to.

"Thank you." I didn't know what else to say. Words of affirmation weren't my main way of feeling love, because I never knew how to respond to them without sounding conceited or like I didn't care. I liked being complimented but I could never express it correctly.

"Compliments aren't your favorites I know, I just thought I'd say something about you as we just get to sit." Quality time was big for me. If someone took the time out of their day just to be with me, it meant more than any kiss, gift, word or service ever could. Yes I did love kissing and being held, but only by those I wanted them from. Anyone else and it offputs me. Sen was someone I felt right to sit with and be touched by.

"So even though I'm so much younger than you, it doesn't make a difference?"

"With the way _we_ feel, why would it?" He was picking up on my thoughts now. I smiled against his form, snuggling further into the blankets with him. When I snuck a glance up at him, I saw he was trying to contain his grin as I was.

I'd never had something like this before. A relationship. Finnick never made any reference to us being anything but friends. Yes, he had helped me in little ways with being a victor, but he didn't know of my life as a whore. Seneca had known and did everything he could to make sure I was going to be okay. He actually showed me how much much cared.

Because if my tangled position next to him, I struggle trying to get up and situate myself differently. He thought it funny to keep my arm down with his and making me struggle to do so.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm trying to get closer."

"Why?" Letting me go, I was allowed to moved towards to his face.

"Because I want to kiss you." And mutually we did in the peaceful moment.

The rest of the day was spent together. I had forgotten until the 19th of October that it as my golden birthday. I had still been entered in the games those months ago because I was still technically eighteen. Still under the age qualifications. But now it was the nineteenth. My lovely golden birthday, and what would I be spending the day doing if I went home: traveling to Four in a train? Oh and spending the day with what family I had left.

* * *

Finally getting home in almost three months, I was exhausted. Leaving Seneca this time took all the energy from me. I didn't want to come back to Four, I didn't want to see anyone, I just wanted to be with him. He was my get away, my drug, my distraction from the reality that awaited in Four.

That day we first spent as a couple, Sen and I made the decision for me to just stay through the week. Which the turned into a month. Or three. This time, our activities inhibited me getting to the train on time, but I didn't care. I was just happy I finally had someone who knew everything about me. We were just starting out and now wasn't the time to be separated.

I keep comparing what I have now to what I 'had' with Finnick, but analyzing it, it was nothing but an infatuation and lies. Nothing in it was ever true. He only told me he felt something so I didn't hate him like everyone else wanted to.

I left after ten more weeks, now better connected with Sen. I had a few of my things at his pace as he had at mine. We still wanted to take things slower in a way with the idea of living together. Yes we'd discussed it, but only later on in the final week of my classes for that session. We decided that we'd wait and see what happens, if I were to become more of a permanent resident of the Capitol, if living together would just make it easier for me (and him to see me). He asked if a year would be okay to wait, and I agreed with gladness. Whatever he wanted I wanted, too.

My house was lit up as I reluctantly walked home. The train had come later than usual to the station in the Capitol, and even felt slower. It was 10:33PM from my watch, so feeling the surge of excitement on telling my family that I finally had someone was probably effected also from me being tired. I'd get to tell them about Seneca and how wonderful he was towards me. My father would have a heart attack in knowing our age difference, but I knew he wouldn't mind knowing I really did like Sen. Since they were all notified that I was coming home, perhaps I'd finally have a _Happy_ Birthday celebration waiting for me?

I unlocked the door, as saw decorations and people everywhere celebrating. It wasn't for me. In the living room I saw someone I never thought I'd see again making a toast for another who was suppose to be dead.

"I wanted to congratulate my brother on his marriage by-" Troy stopped his glass seeing me enter with my things still packed and hanging off me in duffle bags. Everyone followed his gaze and they all saw me standing dumbfounded on the entry way. I saw all our old neighbors, and family friends, my dad's work buddies, some of Troy's new family members, and others I didn't recognize.

Everyone was dulled in the celebration upon seeing me. Someone drunk attempted to stop the background music repetitively. When it was finally quiet, everyone felt awkward staring at me. Someone turned around and stood to greet me from the couch, but froze upon seeing it was me. _He was back..._

"Saxon?!"


	11. Chapter 11

**Running on 4 hours of sleep ready to conquer the day! WHOOH!**

 **-Miche**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 11: Return**_

It had been a week since I came home and discovered my brother alive and married. Yes. Saxon was now home again. In his attempt to explain that he left to elope with a girl he had just recently started dating, he only made things worse between himself and us. We never spoke after that initial explanation and I had left to my room after coming home that night.

His new bride's name was Coral. Coral Fisherson. She was two years behind me in schooling, and had shown no interest in training for the games, her parents not wanting to put her through it all. He only married her so soon to save her next year from the reapings. It wouldn't make a difference if one just married young in our government, but if a girl were pregnant or someone was so terribly ill that they couldn't leave the hospital, the peacekeepers would ban you from entering into the Hunger Games (as most people here were wanting to volunteer).

What gave him the power to even come back? What made Saxon even want to return here? Surely not me, because he would have never left. He of course would get married and come home the same night I was to tell everyone about my relationships. Once again, he was number one.

The meal between all of us was silent, until Saxon cleared his throat.

"So. Anything new with anyone?" No one said anything for a solid minute or two. The arguments here were still fresh to us all, and I'm sure the only reason we were all still here was because we made family a priority (even when it was unnecessary and very much unwanted).

"Well, Adriana took up a new caretaker position at the boys school. She's helping with those parents who have handicapped children."

"That's good, Troy. And she'd happy there?"

"Seems to be so far. It's only been a week."

"Meeting any boys up in that fancy school of yours?" My father asked. It was direct of him to be asking me that since I'd never really shared much about those things. I laughed at his remark. He always hated the thought of me being involved with a boy. "Is that a yes?" my smile turned a bit sour as I tried thinking of a way to tell him. However, we could be considered in a relationship since the coffee buying, and flirting.

"Dad, here's the thing-"

"What's his name-?" Troy asked.

"There's been a man-"

"How long have you known him?"

"About two and a half months, but dad-"

"You never told me this." he was surprised I'd keep something like that from him. I had good reason to ,seeing who exactly this "boy" was and the age difference between us. both Sen and I had a bond, and we knew it. My father didn't and wouldn't understand the complexity of how we met and decided to continue forward with each other. It was mutual from the beginning.

Words didn't come easy for me.

"Because It's complex." I sighed trying to distract from the seriousness of it. We were in the living room, so I picked up a magazine. "It's hard to explain."

"Do you love him, or something?" Troy jokingly guessed, but seeing my facial expression he sobered up. "Really-?"

"What? No, I don't 'love him', we're just really," what was the word, "connected." I didn't want him knowing we were already at the level. "We're very close."

"How long have you known him?"

"Technically, I've known of him since before my games." T?hey all wanted to hear more. "We started talking shortly after I started school."

"What is he like?"

"Well, he's kind, and empathetic towards people. He has a bright smile that could light up a room, and a very contagious laugh." I noticed my unconscious smiling. "He would never hurt me, and always promises to me when I'm going through rough stages, that he's always there to talk. He just... He gets me."

"I'm assuming I know him."

"Sure, I think you do."

"So what does he do?"

"He's an architect." That wasn't a lie. My father's face dropped to a frown. What did I say?

"Wait," Saxon began. "So it isn't Finnick we're talking about?" I dropped my fork on my plate, and felt like vomiting. Had no one told him about why I had a mental break down? My face was sour, but I couldn't help it. "What?"

"Really?" II smiled to keep myself from shaking in rage.

"What?"

"No one told him?" I looked at Troy and my father, even April. She had a concept as to what happened, but had never been told the entire truth.

"Told me what?"

"About my PTSD?" he still looked clueless. "My depression? Suicide failure? Because both you and Finnick were gone?" He looked afraid to be sitting next to me and uncomfortable about me talking about my raw emotions that freely.

"No. No one told me any of this." He looked at the family with distaste that he wasn't informed and warned that things like that could trigger me. "Wait, what happened? There were other things I had to do-"

"Bullshit. 'Things you needed to do'? You didn't think I could win, that's why you left." I continued to cut my meat, stab it really.

"Let's drop the subject, watch our language around the kids, and put this aside before either of you says something you'll regret later, okay?" I tried my best to hold my tongue around my nephews, but sometimes things slip out. "So, this boy: did you meet him in a class?" Of course he was going to disapprove and want this to end immediately.

"No. At a coffee shop near by." His now once smile was almost a grimace. I was more defensive and nervous. "In the Capitol."

"What is he studying?" Troy questioned, face filled with food. When I wasn't answering his question, he grew suspicious.

"He's not studying." My false smile and nervous tone wasn't making things better.

"Has his bachelor's already?"

"Masters actually. In business and-"

"How old is he?" Should I lie about it? No. Lying to my father was like trying to kill a two headed snake.

"He's older..."

"Rain? How much older?"

"He... He's thirty-two ." My calm and stoic father turned horror struck with a look of disapproval. I knew this wouldn't end well by the faces of my brothers around me.

"Holy sh-" he sighed standing to control is words. The entire room stood still for what seemed like an eternity before either one of us spoke again. "Wh..." He attempted. "What were you thinking-?"

"Dad, he's-"

"He's taking advantage of you." Sax immediately said.

"He cares about me and is good to me-"

"Isn't he old?" April didn't know anything...

"You've only just turned eighteen, what few months ago-?" Troy had to get a word in.

"I'm nineteen-"

"Doesn't change a damn thing, Rain. Do you even realize how much older than you he is?" My father ridiculed me as I stayed silent once more. "Thirteen years... Thirteen years, Rain... God...I mean... really? What the fuck-?"

"Cade!" Adriana shouted at him, shocked he'd swear in front of her children like that. It didn't stop or even phase my father at this point.

"Is this some joke you're trying to play on me?"

"No-"

"Are your brother's or Finnick in on it too?"

"No! Dad I'm finally happy! Why can't you just accept that-?!"

"Because I didn't think my own daughter would end up like - like - those types of people!"

"What kinds of people?" My voice was a bit steadier after I took a breath. I really didn't want to get into arguments over this, especially with how fast my relationship with Sen has gone and where it was leading.

"Those 'Capitolist' freaks. The reason we have to live in fear that April will be in those games-"

I couldn't control my breathing as it raced in and out, nor the adrenaline pulsing through my veins. I could however control what I did with those responses to my anger. I chose to run. My fight was over.

My coat couldnt come on fast enough as I raced to just leave this house and everyone in it. The regret for leaving the idea of my family stung in my chest and eyes, but I brushed them off with my anger they caused.

"Rain, none of us would think that you'd be a whore. Whore's are people like Finnick, who sell themselves to the people of the Capitol-"

"You don't know anything about what he does." I accused him. He was taken back by my attack, and sat back down.

"At least tell us, who that guy is?" Saxon wanted to know?

"Seneca Crane: the man I've been sleeping with for the last two months."

"Rain!" Saxon yelled from our front door. I stiffened my back after choosing to leave once more, and quickened my pace. Up ahead, a man with a briefcase and shoulder bag stopped walking just past the street light. I couldn't see who it was, but kept walking in his direction. "Rain Stop!" Why did people keep asking me what was wrong and then keep grabbing me to get my attention? Obviously if I ignored you, there must be a reason.

"No!" I shook my arm, trying to get free, but only to fail. "Stop, please-"

"We didn't mean to offend you-"

"I just need to be alone-"

"Let me explain-!"

"Hey, she needs some space-" Finnick tried explaining. Finnick?

"She's my sister, I think I know how to deal with her-"

"She just said she needs to be alone." Finnick stood in front of me. It was different seeing him so protective now, when I wasn't even sure where we stood. We all had seen the clouds earlier in the day, and just now heard the thunder from the sky. "Don't Make this out to be more than it should be." one last crack of thunder and the downpour began, soaking us all in seconds.

"I'm not, I'm just keeping my sister from making more mistakes with the man who already messed her up-"

"From the looks of it you have not room to talk."

"You don't need to be the center of attention all the time, Finnick. You do know there's more to life than the Hunger Games right-?"

"Do you, Saxon?" Finn shut him off. "because from what I know of you, all you've ever done was run away from the Games. I mean half the reason you got married to Coral was to get her away from them, right?" Saxon stopped speaking. He looked at him and then me with such a detested and disappointed look, it made me regret everything said between us. there wasn't any way for me to take it back, but watching him walk away stabbed me in the heart. Once again, I had done something I'd regret.

Everything I remembered about Finnick hurting me, me acting irrationally in response and every decision up til now, was out the window. I just needed peace for one moment. After this I would hate him again, but I just needed someone to listen.


	12. Chapter 12

**Two chapters since I'm late posting this!**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 12: Phone Calls**_

"Rain. Please talk to me-" But I cut him off.

"I'm not going to mention anything regarding you, I just need someone to listen to me for once." I just needed something to stop my anxiety and guilt. Someone to understand. Something to just keep me grounded in the present.

"Is everything okay?"

"No." The cold rain caused a shiver to run down me. Both Finnick and I noticed the low temperature just now.

"Let's go inside." I followed him, seeing for the first time the interior to his home. It represented him well. The floors were marble instead of my hardwood, the walls a golden creme colour, and accents of blue in the dining room to the left of the entrance. His study was open and had dark purple walls, dark wood and light floors and paintings. The living room held a classic yet modern feel with leather couches and fine detailed decorations. It was pleasant and still looked like he had lived in it. Mine still looked too brand new.

"It's... There are so many people counting on me for things. I don't know if this is what I want to do." it was somewhat along the lines of the truth, a little twist here and there as to what I was talking about: my prostitution.

"Well if it's not what you want, what is?" We were making tea currently. I wanted Seneca right now, but tomorrow was the tour date. I couldn't leave or Snow would have my head on a silver platter. It was all too much.

"I don't know any more. I just want to be happy, but I want my family to be happy. And if it is at the cost of my own-"

"Either way, you're wondering if it's worth it." he stated exactly what I couldn't, but was able to combine all my thoughts into one.

"Can I..." This was difficult, but I didn't want to spend another night knowing my father hated me, my mother didn't know who I was, and April hated that I never told her anything anymore.. She shouldn't see me like this. "Can I stay here tonight?" My eyes were burning again as they had earlier, and down my face I felt a warmth from tears.

"Sure! Sure, it's no big deal." He swallowed some of the mint tea. "I'm just wondering if it's awkward, or-"

"For right now, I really don't need any drama, arguments, or heartbreak I just need the only other best friend I can think of to help me work through this." my spoon stirred around the honey and sugar in my own cup.

"I'd be honoured to be that friend."

"I made a mistake, telling someone something..." My father about Sen, "and I feel horrible and awful. I just don't want to live like this anymore." My emotions were overwhelming around me. I was angry, happy I was with someone, confused on what to say next, and conflicting in myself whether to let this man back in my life or not. "I don't know why I came here of all places." I said laughing at my own pity. "How do you do it?" My half chuckle half sob sounded strange in such a quiet house.

"Well, for one thing, I don't have a family to rely on, Mags is my only family. I don't have any siblings, or cousins to talk to. Annie's gone. Umm..." Hearing this acknowledged me to the fact he had it worse than I did. "I lost you, so now it's just me and the ocean."

"You don't have Ms. Minty panties?" I thought back to those months ago when I first came to this house and met her. "Sorry-" _shouldn't have said that-_

"Who?" this smile of his wasn't familiar.

"A few months ago I came here to see you, but some woman answered the door and spoke to som man named 'Finnie.' I assumed it was you."

"I had some Capitol people staying at my house for a week or two for their honeymoon. They wanted to see what Four was like, so I offered my house as their getaway. I was in the Capitol for that time."

"Oh god. Oh no..." because I had made the assumption it was him that woman was talking to, I took revenge by sleeping with Seneca. But it wasn't even Finnick that time. _Oh my god..._

"What?"

"I... made a mistake... A huge mistake..." If I had stayed here that week, Fin would have come back, and I could have avoided the hatred for him, the emotional damage, bringing Seneca into this, and wouldn't have needed that time in rehab.

"You can shower here if you want. I might help you relax and detox from everything." The silence for the past two minutes were deafening, but I couldn't bing myself to say anything after that discovery. He wasn't who I thought he was. But I was exactly that.

"Thank you Finn..." I gave him a quick touch on the shoulder while using him to hoist myself of the couch. He had his heart in the right places, he just struggled to show it sometimes.

The hot water off the shower felt amazing the second I stepped in. It surrounded me in a cloud of warmth and moisture as my eyes and relaxed every muscle in my body. The steam helped sooth and calm my stressed and cramping shoulders.

What have I done? How could I look at Seneca the same way after this? He had been my excuse for being impatient, hate filled, and impulsive. Was there still a chance for Finn and I? I can't think like that. Not after everything Sen and I have gone through together. I had an entirely different personality when with My Capitol boyfriend. Was that a bad thing?

Opening my eyes I noticed I was on the floor of the shower with my knees to my chest. I was crying and the water was pounding over my face, blurring my vision. There was a knock at the door from the only other person in the house.

Clearing my throat, I answered over the sound of the water.

"Yes?" it was probably muffled.

"I've got some clean clothes for you when you're done. A t-shirt pants and a sweatshirt if you needed it at all." He paused. "Did-... did you need anything else?" I thought of what else I may need. I was only spending the night, and tomorrow was the tour, so there wasn't much needed if I was returning tomorrow. "Like underwear-?"

"No. I'm fine thanks." I shut off the shower and quickly dried my body with the towel laid out for me. It smelt clean and similar to lilies. I then opened the door to find him leaning on the frame with the clothes. He looked as tired as I felt, but he still had a smile in his eyes upon seeing me. "Thank you."

"I found this by your coat. It must have fallen off your neck when you took your scarf off?"

"No. my pocket."

"Where did you get it-?" I'll just stop him right there.

"Thank you for the clothes." and I shut the door in his face.

A few minutes later I felt sorry for doing that, so I made my way down the stairs to see him finishing his dishes from our earlier conversation. He was only asking simple things, I was just pestered too much from the earlier week and too tired to answer properly.

"Hey, you have a phone here right?" he looked at me confused.

"Yeah, don't you?"

"Yes, but I left mine in the Capitol and my dad keeps his eye on the house phone at all times. Can I use yours to call someone?" Finnick wouldn't know what I was talking about, but I knew he'd give me what I wanted.

"Sure." he slowly made his way to the phone, drying his hands before grabbing it and handing it to me.

The first person to call was dialed out of habit. It rang as I moved myself from the bathroom to the hall near the banister. Finnick was doing dishes so he wouldn't hear my conversation. Just as the phone picked up, I heard the sink shut off.

"Seneca Crane." his response whenever he answered the phone. I didn't respond at first, gathering my voice again. It was nice to hear him again after a few days. I had called him before telling my father, talking about what was going on with the trades up there, how the weather was here and our daily routine of the past week from each other. "Hello-?"

"Hi. It's me..." He'd know who it was.

"I've been trying to call you this whole week! I thought you were dead somewhere, god." I laughed but it let my stuffed nose show. "What's wrong?" already he knew why I had been calling him. My throat clenched up and closed. It was straining to speak any further.

"My dad hates me."

"What? I'm sure he doesn't-"

"No I told him about you, and he was yelling and screaming in front of April. I didn't know what to do..." Clearing my throat helped vocally, but I couldn't keep my eyes from tearing up. Everything was falling apart.

"Did this happen just now?"

"No. no... It happened yesterday."

"Did you tell your father how well we _do_ know each other?"

"He said it didn't matter, and was still furious. He thinks you're taking advantage of me-"

"I'm not-"

"I know, I know." Never once did he use me or force me to do anything or be anything. Everything we did was a joint effort and relationship.

"Did he at least like your necklace?" I let a sad laugh escape.

" _Troy_ tried taking it from me," after I told Troy, he argued the same things dad had. And when he saw me fondling my necklace he asked to see it. I said no, but he insisted saying Seneca would be nothing but someone who wanted sex and to buy me things. After that he tried grabbing my necklace only to break it from my neck and throw it on the floor in his spite and anger. "And in the meantime... he broke it." The symbolism in Troy doing that shown me he was unhappy with his own relationships if he was rude enough to try and break mine. A hiccup shook me.

"I can have it fixed next time you're up-"

"I just don't know what to do, Sen. I thought they'd be happy to finally see me." Finnick might be listening, so I tried keeping my crying to a minimum. "I just miss you." What I found was myself saying this out of habit, but was it from my heart? I had so much power right now. I could break this off if I wanted. I could confess everything to him and see what he thinks. Or I could lie, like everything else.

"I'm sorry I can't be there. I wish I could. I'll see you in a few days-"

A small creak in the floor notified me Finnick was waiting. If he heard my conversation, then no longer was he a person I was able to trust easily. I thought I knew him well enough to let me keep my own secrets. He was never questioned by me about his as he left me with mine.

"Listen, I have to go okay?"

"I'll see you soon. I love you." Everytime he said those three words, goosebumps and a bush was sent all over my face and arms. Right now, it just made my stomach lurch. I couldn't say it back.

"Goodnight, Sen."

"Goodnight." and I hung up. Finnick was probably wondering who it was I was speaking to. He needed to mind his own business. He knew nothing about me. Why should I let him in now? "If you're going to listen I'd expect you to be quieter." He remained silent on the stairs

"If it has you this upset-"

"This isn't any of your business, you know that-"

"I have always been your friend, Rain. Whether you wanted it or not. If you think for a second that I wouldn't stop caring, you're wrong." There was no hiding my face now from him. He stood the hallways length away and looked at my eyes. "I blame myself for Grey, so I have to fix that mistake."

"Maybe there's something wrong with me if I can' see why people are ignoring me and treating me like I'm no one. All I'd ever done was try and be seen by my parents but my brothers always stood right in front of me. I never got noticed, never picked for anything, never had any friends, and never even had a boyfriend growing up. The games ended up giving me all of that, except the fact my family is still broken." He wanted me to be honest? I'll tell him everything. Everything I still had pent up from returning from the dark days of mine.

"You had people before all this-"

"Yeah, well they're all dead." What is it with these pesky emotions? And why do they always have to express themselves in the most inconvenient ways? I despised all of this. I felt him encircle me with his arms. It was too natural for him to touch me or hold me, and for me to equally want him to. I shouldn't let myself be this happy.

I can't afford it.

* * *

 **So... How was that bombshell for ya'll? What do you think's going to happen next? Let me know!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Sorry for the late post AGAIN... Finals were this week so i spent last week finalizing ll my projects and studying myself to the point of insanity... pLEASE FORGIVE ME!**

 **-Miche**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 13: Tour**_

Thankfully I had dreamt everything that happened last night. I couldn't imagine waking up again to Finnick. That was the past, right?

But when I sighed and opened my eyes, I noticed my bed at home wasn't at this angle. And I didn't have cream sheets. I had a golden yellow... and my walls were blue not emerald. And I usually was alone, not laying with someone next to me.

 _Dammit..._

Finnick had his face away from me and was on his stomach. I had my head resting on his shoulder and leg around him. _What?_ Okay I was fully clothed so it wasn't like we did anything, and my hair was clean so I had showered.

Everything came back in a blur.

I slowly removed myself from against him and flipped to face the other direction. It was early and I wasn't that stubborn to move fully off the bed. This was strange. Yes I'd fallen asleep with him in the past, but that was before everything.

I thought it would be like that for a while before I'd get up and make breakfast, but suddenly I felt his weight shift next to me and his arm wrap back around my waist. He had flipped and now was spooning me. I didn't move at all, and I know I should have. His arm tensed after a few seconds and he slowly removed his arm, awake.

Before he was completely removed, I spoke the first words.

"Good morning."

"First things first: You're the one who cuddled your little self up to me last night. Secondly: Your hands get really cold at night."

"That's probably why I got close to you-"

"Oh, because I'm just that hot. I see how it is-"

"No-!"

"Oh don't deny your undying love for me!" He had that funny 'acting' face on whenever he over dramatised his soap opera personality. I'd only seen it a few times before, but it was when he had been training me those six months ago. "One of these days, Rain..."

Our teasing and good mood was interrupted by the doorbell ringing. Neither one of us had laughed like that in months I'm sure, but unfortunately it ended again. I stayed where I was as Finnick made his way down to the door. I stayed near the door, but peered to try and see over the balcony who it might be.

"Hello, Mr. Troute." It was my father.

"Hi, Finnick. Have you seen my daughter anywhere? Rain?" Of course he knew I'd come here.

"No, not for a while now." _What?_

"Okay, can you tell her I'm looking for her if she comes by at all? I wanted to apologize for something I said. It's a father-daughter thing, really." I'm just like my father. I always say things in the heat of a moment, and always regret them later if meant to be insulting. I never liked hurting other people, it was just defensive of myself to do so. Grey had always cooled my hot headedness by talking to me before I said anything. It had helped, but he wasn't here to stop me now. I was far too gone to be fixed.

"I'll make sure to do that for you if I see her before the train arrives."

"When does it leave, by the way?" he stopped the door from closing when Finnick tried pushing away. Finnick hesitated, 'thinking' for a moment to give himself le-way to respond.

"Uhhh... I think noon? We board at eleven-forty five, so it must go out sometime after that. There will be tons of people lined up outside the station to say farewell to Rain before she leaves."

"Okay. Promise me, you'll try and let her speak to me?"

"I don't have any power over what your daughter chooses to do or say-"

"Please, just try and make her listen?" My father was sorry for hurting me. He was always to one to say so. He always started the fights and ended them with a sorry or lesson to learn.

"I will try my best, Mr. Troute." Finnick's tone was sincere whether really well faked, or he was promising.

"Thank you. I know I can count on you, Finnick." he patted the younger man's shoulder before leaving. "Oh and while you're with her on tour, just keep her safe for me."

"I promise I will. Bye, Mr. Troute" and the door was shut. I had made my way down the back stairs into the kitchen, having an idea for breakfast. "Rain?" Finnick tried looking for me upstairs, but only followed the same path I took down to meet me. I had the eggs out, flour, sugar, blueberries, and other things to make pancakes with. He looked a little confused seeing me in the kitchen cooking, but sat back and just watched.

I finished cooking the last batch, obviously not wanting to talk about anything, when I plaited three for him and made him sit at the table and eat.

"What's with the cream cheese and brown sugar?" I realized it only after I place the condiments there that I had gotten out the usual for Sen and I. He, strangely, occasionally liked to put cream cheese and brown sugar on his pancakes, or french toast. Whatever breakfast food I made for him, he always had something strange to put on top.

"Sorry, I was just used to... Nothing. I sometimes like cream cheese on mine."

"With brown sugar?" I paused thinking and cleaning up.

"Yeah. It's weird I know but-" he wasn't eating. "Why aren't you eating?" He just looked at me with his smug stubbornness. "Are you allergic to blueberries-?"

"No."

"Then what's wrong?" _was he joking around?_ "I spend a half an hour over a hot stove and this is what I have to deal with-?"

"Who is 'Sen'?" _Shit..._ To keep from answering right away, I began cleaning up the dishes I used to cook on.

"Who?"

"I heard that on your conversation last night. Is he a friend you made in the Capitol?"

"You could say that..."

"Any labels yet?"

"I don't see what this has to do with my pancakes-"

"It's just a simple question, Troute." he smiled. It was an innocent grin, but finnick was anything but Innocent.

"Sen is my boyfriend. And yes, we met up at the Capitol." Truth time. He asked, I delivered.

"I'm guessing he doesn't go to your classes? Is he older than you?"

"Yes to both."

"By how much-?"

"My father asked me the same thing." He simply waited. "Thirteen years." The only reaction he had was his wide eyes.

"Wow... Are you _sure_ -?" No. not him too. I slammed the pot down in the skink as the soapy water went everywhere. Finnick said nothing for a minute or two. I shut the water off slowly.

"You sound like my father."

"Is he using you?"

"No!" My eyes met his, trying to make contact the only way I knew how. What other way could I make him know that Seneca was just as in love with me as I was with him? No one knew how much we were connected. How much we relied on the other for comfort and friendship through these past months.

"Then how did you two meet and become so close?" I'd have to lie to him again. I hated lying to him every time, but then again he was the first to do so.

"I was sitting in this cafe, and it was pretty crowded the time I got there. I got a seat by the window, and was so lost in my homework I didn't notice he was wanting to sit across from me until he was already there. We exchanged smiles and parted after we both finished our coffees.

"I thought nothing of it until that next wednesday he was there again, only this time when he sat down, he had bought me coffee. It was funny because it was exactly how I take it, which he must have seen the time before. Since that, we had taken an met up there every monday and friday to talk about the city and about our days.

"Then the weekend I was supposed to come back for my birthday, I met up with him outside of the cafe. It wasn't our first time outside of it but anyways... He wanted to give me something for my birthday, knowing it was the next day and I was leaving for Four then. He gave me a little heart necklace-the one in my jacket pocket that broke. I didn't know how to respond to such an amazing gift, so I just... sort of... kissed him."

"You 'sort of' kissed him?" Finnick joked.

"Okay I did kiss him, and things just went from there." I let him digest the story, and the food he finished minutes ago, I kept cleaning up. Normally when sleeping over at Sen's place, I'd make breakfast for him before he had work, and I'd clean up while he ate so he wouldn't be late and I could let him leave knowing I wasn't a total slob. Once or twice he had waited for me before eating so he could spend more time with me, but he always had work at 6, so...

"Does he like cream cheese and brown sugar on his pancakes?"

"On pretty much every breakfast I've made him." That came out a little wrong and quick. Finn would assume I was staying with Sen and that meant I had been sleeping with him too. I hated people knowing about my personal life.

"So I'm guessing you two are pretty serious then?"

"Yeah. We've spoken briefly about it being simpler just living together, seeing I still came home to Four every so often, and it was a hindrance being so far away from where he was in the city. He asked if I wanted to move in next week, when I came back. I said I'd think about it."

"You're already-?" he stopped mid sentence. "I guess I've miss out a lot on what you've been doing."

"We just haven't crossed paths in a while."

"Yeah I guess." I kept my eyes on drying the pans in front of me as he cleaned his plate off, handing the wet dish to me. "Well, I'm gonna get a few things together for the journey and then after you eat, we can go back to your place to get your things. Sound good?"

"Yeah. That's good. Then you can go with me to my old house?" I begged. It would be out of the way to go back home, but some of my more important day to day things were there from the moving process. He bent a little trying to decide, but was lenient toward me. I was still his favorite and that made me happy. "Finnick?"

"Yep?" I stopped him from going up the back stairs.

"I just needed a friend to listen to me. That's really it." The corner of his mouth turned up, but the rest of his face was in a frown.

"I know. I'm sorry."

* * *

We had already gone to my old house and gathered the few things I still kept there. All I had was a perfume bottle of my mother's I wanted to keep in my new house and my old travel bag. The rest of the things: blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, figurines, etcetera I would probably keep here until I could find a better place in the Capitol (if that's where I end up staying). Finnick was excited about going into my room. He stated "It's like seeing another side of you I've never known!" and therefore was a dork about it all...

It was slightly wintery up in Four, being late November. Most of the fishing yards and docks would be closed due to the weather, others only making more business for the demand the Capitol kept up with. My father would be starting his ice fishing business and normally asked me to help. Not this year.

Last night It had dusted snow, so the rain from the day before that became slush and ice. A dangerous route for two Victors and friends. Finnick kept bumping me toward the edge of the sidewalks and roads towards the wet ice, and I'd yell at him. I wasn't wearing weather protective boots and he knew it. I pushed him back once and he almost slipped. Almost. The last second I reacted by grabbing his hand and arm and in turn almost fell down myself. After regaining our balance, we laugh and kept going.

 _Maybe there was a chance for us to start again._

As I entered my Victor's home, April instantly showed up.

"Rain! Where have you been?"

"A friend's house."

"Why haven't you come home at all? Dad was worried."

"I know. Dad and I just haven't been getting along recently, so I stepped out for a while."

"When are you coming back?"

"After my tour okay? I promise." It was an empty promise as I wasn't coming back, but it would keep her from asking anymore questions. I left Finnick with her for my room to get my things. I placed my mother's perfume next to my collection on my dresser, and grabbed my own. Clothes and bedding items would have no usage along with hygiene things since they'd be provided for me.

"A Dragon egg? No way!" Finnick's voice along with April's laughter rang in my ears as I made my way back down. He was really good with her.

"WAY! I showed my dad but he said it was nothing but a ocean rock. I know it was a dragon egg." Sharing her creative and imaginative stories was always April's strong suit. And finnick was creating response that were perfect in allowing her to show this.77uu

"We have to go now, my dad will be back soon."

"But, Rain, Dad said he wanted to see you. He said he needs to tell you something."

"Dad can tell me when I get back." We were almost to the door...

"You aren't coming back?" The slurred voice hit me like a brick wall. I turned in the silence left by her question and saw her standing there like a ghost. She never spoke. Well, full sentences or really objectively.

"Mom-?"

"You aren't coming home. You're lying." she was as innocent as April if not more. Her lack in facial motor skills shown in her speech impediment and tightly locked eyebrows. She knew I was lying, she had that concept.

"I found someone else to take care of me." she looked confused, but then had a clever smile.

She mumbled something looking at both Finnick and I. April went over to her and held her hand trying to make her sit back down on the couch. I left it at that, because if my mother knew who I was with-well, she wouldn't know, or at least remember this conversation so it was irrelevant.

"Rain?" April questioned me, but I was out the door before she would protest.

"You can't always run from your problems-" Finnick started, following me on the slushy streets.

"You should speak."

"I am." I kept walking. "Since when did you become so self-conscious about what people thought of you?"

"I'm not-."

"Says the one who now has perfectly manicured nails and toes, and has literally no acne anywhere on your body?"

"Study me often?"

"Only because you look completely different since I last saw you. It's like you've aged five years." We continued in silence as we walked up to the station, meeting Deary in the lobby. She greeted us with sore eyes and kept her appropriate distance like usual. Nothing was different from the first time we were all here, minus one person, and the fact we all had secrets.

It was a long wait, but finally, we were able to board the train, seeing all of District Four waving goodbyes and cheering for me to represent them well. I didn't see my father in the crowd.

Only a few days until I was safe within the Capitol again... I could do this.


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry FOr the huge wait once again. It was a very busy holidays for my family seeing I was in my first accident! Whoo! luckly im fine, but Ive just been tence and stressed the past few days!**

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 **Thanks!**

 **-Miche**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 14: 12,11...**_

The next morning we arrived in District Twelve. I'd never been anywhere besides my home and the Capitol so visiting another District was an honour all on its own.

My eyes filled with tears at the conditions of these people. They were all poor in their own ways, all had a layer of dirt or grime on them from working, and the men looked to be getting off working from the coal dust covering their clothes and hands. I could see mines here and there was the train crossed into the main part of the district. The only people relatively wealthier than the rest were well dressed and had fresh mud or soot on the very tips of their dresses or ends of pant legs.

Everything had a grayish wash to it and nothing looked happy. If these people in the main section of the district were poor, than what were the rest like? Coal had told me about her home in the days before the Arena. There were rumors of a division within the people there. Some part along the outskirts of it was a community called the Seam. There were the poorest of the poor and just barely made it by. She had elderly family in it and would always take a few tesserae for them to keep them alive.

Before I could see anymore, Finnick notified me to head toward the prepping cart of the train. There, Leo would work his magic on me to provide the citizens of District Twelve a worthy Victor. I'd have to stand there and look happy and proud as I knew I let both their tributes die. Pann was innocent not having much to do with anything in the arena. Coal was an ally and friend.

I found Leo and the rest of my Stylist team. He welcomed me, sporting a leopard print blue jacket, and hurried to wash and style my hair and body. I looked in the mirror and was glad to see colour had returned to my face. It had been rough regaining my strength and muscle since my dark days, but I was trying. Leo had a Twelve "theme" with a black fashioned sweater with grey leggings and a scarf that looked like blue fire. My hair was curled and pinned back with a rose. Leo matched every outfit of mine with a pair of blue heels and a matching nail design for the next week. It was exciting, but at the same time stressful.

Finnick held my hand as I got ready to be presented on front of them. Either they would cheer, say nothing, or maybe boo and threaten me. I was hoping either of the first two would be their only responses. Deary had printed my speech on a notecard with the Capitol insignia symbol on the back. It was a medium length speech that could provide a short message or leave room for ad-libbing here and there if need be.

The doors opened and it revealed all 1200, or so people. They all looked the same. On two platforms I saw the families of Coal and Pann. They looked like them. I nervously stood in silence as I looked into their hopeless faces.

One girl with brown hair and hazel eyes, who looked younger than Coal, stood out to me. She stood near the back next to her mother and younger sister, the smaller girl being probably April's age. There wasn't a father figure, only the older girl's brother or friend. She reminded me of myself.

I took a shaky breath.

"Hello, Citizens of District Twelve." They stood in silence. All but the families of those fallen were quiet and emotionless. "As you know, My name is Rain Troute. I may be the victor of the Seventy-Second Hunger Games, but I am also human like you. I am honoured to be standing in your presence and with the families of the tributes which have fallen. I also wish to share with you my sorrow for your losses. The tributes from District Twelve fought brave... and true..."

What the hell was I doing? This was crap. I heard a small gasp from Deary when I refused to look at the cards any longer. Instead I looked at Coal's family as they stood trembling. Her mother shaking from sobs, and her father strong.

"If I could go back and save Coal from her fate, I would. I would gladly replace my life with her's in a heartbeat. She was a fierce friend and ally, and she was stronger than anyone I knew." a tear escaped my eye, but I brushed it away before turning to Pann's father and brother. That's all he had? "If I could go back and stay with Pann as that cannon went off, I would. He was brave, and had strength to the end. I don't know what happened to him after I left, but I wish I never had. That will always stay with me until I die." His brother hung his head, wincing from the pain of losing his sibling. "Everyday we have is precious. Every moment we have with family and loved ones is sacred. If it weren't for their help, I would not be alive today."I returned back to the cards.

"Coal and Pann will always be remembered in the strength we find everyday to continue for better ones. They will be with us in thought and memories. In our unified nation we will remember them. Whether we are rich, poor, Victor, or tribute. With that same strength they had, we will serve our... Capitol today and days to follow. Panem today, Panem tomorrow, Panem forever." They continued to stay quiet, only clapping a slow and forced applause. It was pitiful. I was pitiful to be standing before them in my glory when they were barely living each day.

Suddenly the girl I would always remember, held up her hand to me after kissing it. She had three of her fingers up and together, while her pinky and thumb stayed in her palm. It looked to be a salute of sorts, and I thought it cute and symbolic. What surprised me the most was then her family followed. A group of people near them as well did the same thing and soon it was a wave effect that had the entire population of District Twelve saluting me.

I didn't know what it meant, but even Coal and Pann's families did so with hints of smiles. It was respect. They were showing me they respected me enough for trying to save their tributes. I didn't deserve it, but what could I do to stop them?

Deary had a loss for words before excusing me to leave and then saying our goodbyes. Finnick was confused as we all were. I was brought back into the hall, and escorted to the train.

* * *

Hours later we arrived in Eleven and I'd have to repeat my same speech to the families of Rose and Palmer.

Leo stripped me and redecorated me on our way there. I had some medium time between getting my cloths off and getting them on, I was able to get something to eat in the dining cart.

Finnick was there and sitting alone as I approached in my robe.

"May I sit with you?" I asked. He looked a little startled to have someone sit with him, but I made myself comfortable after getting some chicken and fruit.

"Sure, yeah." I saw something amber coloured in his glass. He was trying to hide it from me, I could see that.

"You're drinking?"

"It's not the first time." His response was automatic without hesitation. Guilt and embarrassment flashed over him before he replaced it with a smile. His smile. The one that could fool the nation of Panem, yet somehow failed on me.

"Don't do that." being honest was the only way to get to him.

"Do what?"

"Put that smile on like everything is alright. We both know that's not true."

"Then why don't you tell me what is?" Finnick was testing me to see if I could figure out why he was drinking. I knew why, but I wanted him to admit it. We were both such stubborn and yet fluid people.

"Judging from the amount of liquor in your glass, you've passed the alcoholic stage, and withdrawal, and now use it to mask anything big."

"How did you get so smart?"

"You pick up a few things studying in a school for smart people-"

"Smart people?"

"Yeah."

"Smart people? You?" He joked. I threw my napkin at him and he just smiled from my reaction.

"Rain! Leo needs you!" Ementra interrupted. I groaned getting up, but did anyways.

* * *

"You'll do fine. It'll be okay." Finnick spoke to me before I went out to eleven. "I promise."

"I didn't even know them that well, but It still feels like it was my fault."

"It isn't. You didn't kill them. Zyre, Ginger, and their groupies did."

"Yeah, but I let it happen-"

"Stop it." His hands grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him; at his green eyes. "You always do that. Stop it." I nodded. "Just take a few breaths, and for Deary's sanity, stick to the card. I won't tell you this feeling goes away ever, it's always there once in awhile, but you aren't alone in this. Okay?" One last look at him and I stepped out into the awaiting eyes of Eleven.

* * *

I was in my room on the train when I heard him. I heard the low timbred speaking and baritone/tenor yells. I had never heard him make those noises before. They were a mixture of pain and torture. My feet took me where I needed to go.

A dream had awoken me, but I couldn't remember it. Something having to do with the games and the fact I was back in them. I came closer to the door of where the noises were coming from and it dawned on me that I couldn't remember waking up.

"RAIN! PLEASE!" He screamed. He was being hurt. My fists wouldn't pounded hard enough or loud enough for me to tell him I was there. I couldn't get through, I was failing to save him. "RA-AIN!" It was agony hearing him scream like that.

"SEN!" The door broke open and it revealed something from my worst thoughts.

Blood. Red. Everywhere. On the walls, the floor in spots, the bed, and on the bed-

NO...

NO PLEASE NO...

He was dead. He was naked and mutilated everywhere, but on his face. It looked right at me. His blue eyes were glazed and grayed. He was gone.

There was a man next to him. He turned and revealed himself.

Zyre...

I couldn't move but continued to watch him slowly walk over to me. His sickle sword in hand as he somehow mimicked the patterns of Seneca's voice and shouted things at me.

"RAIN HELP ME! RAIN SAVE ME!" I started screaming to block out the noses, but he was getting louder "PATHETIC! YOU ARE PATHETIC-"

"NO!" The air around me vanished as I choked to breath and speak. I was under boiling water.

"WHORE! YOU WHORE! I NEVER LOVED YOU!" My hands couldn't keep the voice from my head. He tried stabbing me. "SLUT! FILTHY BITCH!" the profanities continued up until I shot out the vision, now in bed.

It was dark and blue around me. No red. No blood. It was all a dream. I had no control of where I was going next, but all I knew was only one person could help me.

His door opened under my knock, and I just let him hold me.

* * *

 **Yikes! Please tell me what you thought of the chapter so i have feedback and keep writing!**


	15. Chapter 15

_**Chapter 15: Districts 10, 9, & 8...**_

* * *

If waking up next to Finnick every time I had a mental breakdown was going to be a regular thing, I'm glad it was the least bit constant. He wasn't used to it, but then again with what he did for work, he never stayed the entire night.

I had woken up half an hour ago, but couldn't help staying and watching him sleep. Normally he was so animated and ready to respond to everything. When sleeping, it was as if he was dead. No movement but his breathing, and no facial expression or twitch.

Whatever it was that made me trust him so much even after what he put me through, it kept me thinking that he was more troubled than anyone I knew. I figured he did favour me, but not in the way I favoured him at a brief point, or Seneca now. I was his only living tribute he mentored. He'd see me as such and only that. We were close friends because of it, but because of that, we could never be anything more. We knew too much about the other to be romantic in any way.

Ever since that first dream I had on the train before the games, I'd never look at him the same. I was happy with Seneca and content with being with him now though. He treated me well, we exchanged respect and love to each other, and even were talking about if we were married one day. So why was I still so incomplete inside?

"I like having someone to wake up to." He whispered waking up. The green of his eyes were beautiful in the limited light the morning gave us. "Was it a nightmare? Last night I mean." It took me a few moments to gather what to say so I wasn't crazy- he'd never think I was crazy...

"Well, I was in my room, and I heard something that sounded like the games again. The pain, hurt, death." I stopped and sat up. "Is this normal that I still dream of them even now?"

"I still had nightmares of my games months and even years after mine."

"Do you _still_ get them?"

"Yeah, all the time. It's nothing to think bad about, we were put through traumatic experiences and ones that left us broken a little. I still have dreams about Annie, even though I wake up and know she passed." He was just as tragic as me.

"Time to get up, I hear Deary talking." We both rose from the bed and got ready for breakfast. It would be short but enough for us to be sustained through the next two districts. I had to sneak back to my room so no one would suspect anything, they happened to do that.

~~~~10~~~

Leo had me in a red, plaid shawl with a black belt to rouge the fabric, jeans, my hair in a half braided-pony tail, and blue heels and nails once again. It took only minutes for Ementra to peel the day-before's polish and apply a new glittering gloss of my favorite colour. Finnick greeted me with a "howdy" sporting his own plaid shirt and nice jeans, matching my own plaid theme.

"Hello, Citizens of District Ten. I am honoured to be standing in your presence with the families of the tributes which have fallen, and wish to share with you my sorrow for your losses. The tributes from District Twelve fought brave and true. I had no personal connection to them, knowing only their names and faces, but I believed Terri and Lyant to be honest and good hearted people. Unfortunately I had no say in whether they lived or died, having no hand in their deaths. But if I had, I would have chosen to spare them. They were strong competition and I know they fought until the end

"I can only wish for the families I have impacted with their deaths, that you will heal with time. We all do when things are lost. In our unified nation we will remember them. Whether we are rich, poor, Victor, or tribute. With that same strength they had, we will serve our capitol today and days to follow. Panem today, Panem tomorrow, Panem forever." They applauded yet stayed silent with their voices. Some people were crying, others were just bored to be there. Terri and Lyant's families were what surprised me the most. Lyant had only his younger brother standing in front of his own hologram. Terri had a mother, father, and two younger sisters that looked like her. They were old enough to understand what happened so were crying to their mother.

Stepping slowly away, it shocked me how little their district was. They had large quantities of land, but that was all for farming the herds of cattle and other livestock. They had only so much room for children and quantity of families. Their populations reached no more than 500, and half were children.

I didn't want to be here.

~~~~9~~~~

"...share with you my sorrow for your losses. The tributes from District Nine fought brave and true. I had somewhat of a personal connection to them both. Barley was only needing to make it to shore in one piece, which I gladly helped him with. Willow needed my protection against the other stronger tributes who might harm her. Both were strong, and had tremendous hearts..." My eyes blurred looking at my cards, and I couldn't see what Deary had written next for me. My hands were shaking. "Um..." Blinking wasn't helping at all, it only made it worse the more I thought about it.

"Even though it wasn't me who killed them," _deep breaths... this dress is strangling me... oh god I can't breathe..._ it wasn't literally, but the gold sequins were skin tight and the brown cardigan helped in no way to make me more comfortable. "I still take full responsibility for their deaths. I could have stopped Barley from being killed by getting to him faster, I could have just ran with him away from the fighting, but I didn't. I should have kept a closer eye on Willow, I should have kept my hand on her arm not her hand, I should have stopped her death. Willow reminded me of my sister. Young, little, and needing someone to look up to. It will be with me at my grave that I let her slip from me. I regret not being any more help to them than I was. If I could go back and take their place, I would. They were too young..."

When I took one more look to my card, I was able to make out the whole rest of the speech about panem being unified, but I chose to ignore it. Why reiterate what we all know is false?

"To Barley's family, Your son wasn't scared when he passed. As I held him in my lap, I only saw his courage and doubtless eyes looking back at mine. To Willow's-" I gasped for air, needing to calm myself. _*ahem* clearing my throat will help..._ "-family, I want you to know she was too young to die. She had siblings she cared about, a mother she adored from the stories she told me, and a special younger brother whom she shared her favorite memory of with me. I will keep your families in my thoughts for as long as I live. Thank you."

"You okay?" Finnick's hand found my back the second we stepped on the train, and rubbed my shoulders as a sign of comfort. It was nice. Pinpointing why wasn't possible, but I knew I just had to keep him.

"No." I pinched my brow, but he left it at that respectively.

While we were on our way to District Eight, we had our lunch. Sandwiches and water on the go as I sat in my styling room. Finnick came in to sit with me as we ate, and even though he complained about the smell of toxic fumes (his words not mine) he stayed. I was waiting for my hair to be conditioned with a special conditioner to keep my hair healthy through the next few days. It would be under the stress of head and brushing, so Leo wanted to keep it as healthy and lengthy as possible.

"LEO WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!?" As of now, I was looking at my curled hair hanging around me and the rainbow of colours dyed to the lower half. He said he was using conditioner, however, he failed to tell me it wasn't conditioner. It was dye. Dye from seven different coloured boxes he threw out before I saw them.

Yes it would match my randomly patterned dress, it was rainbow too, but my hair? Really?!

"It was only to add a bit of pop to your look-!" MantaCello tried explaining what Leo ordered him to do, but it was bull shit.

"A little pop would have been one streak of colour or extensions! Not half my hair be the entire colour spectrum!" Leo interrupted.

"Hey, you are the Victor, I am the stylist. You have to do as I say." It was meant to be a joke, but right now I was furious he'd do this without warning me first. With a sigh, I left the room, wanting to just get into my dress. Another room had all my clothing in it, and normally had Leo and Scarlette elaborating over what I'd be wearing and what would work. Only Scarlette was there, ready for me to enter my dress.

I took my robe off and removed my pants. Because of the chilled weather, Leo had allowed me to keep them on until I was dressing again, So I did. The dress was strapless, so no bra was required. I was now standing with nothing on in the small room. Scarlette obviously didn't care as I didn't. She was used to this thing and it was her job to only care about the clothes fitting or matching.

"Rainbow... _? Shit_!" I heard someone scrabble getting out of the small room as soon as they entered. It was followed by a few thumping noises and thud. In seconds, Finnick had accidentally walked in and exited. "OH GOD..."

"Finnick?"

"You-you left the door open!"

" _Finnick_!"

"I didn't mean to! Oh no...!" he laughed.

"Oh my god!" He tried apologizing from around the wall, not wanting to even be within my sight. "What did you see?"

"Just your hair..." he paused.

"And?"

This pause was getting too long- "I have to say... Damn...-"

"FINNICK!" I gasped while letting a smile reach my face. Of all the people here, it wasn't so bad that it was him, but still was inappropriate for him to say that. That dork... Scarlette finished dressing me, and I walked out to face my 'stalker'.

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't do it again!" He tried looking intimidated, but struggled keeping his smile hidden as well. He was laughing. "You know this constitutes payback, right?" He knew what that meant. I knew one of his most hated things to do, and I was about to seek revenge with it.

"No-"

"Then don't ever look at me naked again!"

"I can't control what you do in front of me-" he deserved a smack on the arm for that.

I was in better moods for being presented in front of Eight and the rest of that day. It was nice having a friends with me.


	16. Chapter 16

_**Chapter 16: Districts 7,6, 5...**_

* * *

~~~~7~~~~

"... Maple Sacrificed herself for me when I never asked her to. She was a true hero in that sense that she was willing to allow me and the others to survive longer by giving herself up to the enemy, and even going so far as to lie to them even at Death's door. I will never forget that..."

~~~~6~~~~

"...I made Titan a promise. When he heard my confession to not being truly with the other stronger tributes, he believed me. I couldn't do anything to keep him from dying, but regret letting him fall, letting him be tricked and hurt by the others. I sang him one of my favorite songs called 'the ash grove'.When I see a field of grass, and trees back in my home district, I will think of Titan in that grove.

"He asked me to tell a few people he loved them. Firstly his mother, his sister Chrissy, sister Liz, brother Jon, and little Susan. Your brother loved you to his last breath. Remember him as a brave and caring soul..."

~~~5~~~

"...Solar was an emotional person. In good ways and bad. He cared about things to the extent of hunting someone down to kill them for something they did to wrong him. He was an active person. Someone who goes and do something to change their circumstance instead of hoping it will resolve itself. I admire him for that courage and dedication-"

"You lying bitch-!" people were yelling at me for killing their Solar and Starle. I had no emotions in my face or eyes. Internally I kept thinking of the moment I let go of Solars hand, the moment he slipped when I tried saving him...

 _"Rain!" He had begged._

 _"Rain, PLEASE!" He'd shuddered in his groveling... "My family is watching too, Rain." I waited, thinking it moreover. "Please!"_

 _"You do know me enough to know I won't let you die like this." I dropped my arm over the edge. "I promise." I promised him..._

 _Our eyes met and I saw the fear. The rock was brittle under the heat of the lava, and the one holding him up finally gave out and broke._

I flung my other arm over in a last second attempt to get him. It wasn't enough. He was too heavy and I wasn't strong enough.

"N-nooo! SOLAR!" I screamed as he fell in a splash and glow of basalt. "NO! IM SORRY! I'm sorry!" I hadn't felt anything but sorrow and regret. 'if I had helped him sooner, if I hadn't thought so much over it if I had just acted on my first gut to help him...'

"I tried saving him and failed. Not only you, but myself in what I thought I could and could not do. I will never second guess myself when saving another person again-" the last half of my speech was shouted out of hearing from their hatred of me.

* * *

Crying wasn't possible for me today, However much I wanted to. They just didn't form. I even attempted pinching my skin or thinking of Grey dying in my arms, and I just couldn't cry. It made me mad, and even that didn't give me the emotional recall I needed. I wanted to cry and show them I had a heart for their loved ones and fallen heros, but I couldn't.

Finnick had kept me company this past night again. I couldn't fall asleep to begin with, but once I had, I woke from a nightmare once more. This was the regular thing I guess. Opening the unlocked door, I had seen him just open the covers for me to lay down. I thanked him once he put his arms around me and he just replies sleepily "Anytime. Anyplace." He was someone I was comfortable sleeping next to, and that was difficult to come by with me. I could barely sleep anywhere but my own bed at home, but next to him I was out like a rock.

I looked at the mirror of my room at the end of this night. I finished my shower half an hour ago, but after the flush in my cheeks from the hot water faded away, I watched as my face refused to contort or flush further. I wanted to cry so badly that now I was considering a little alcohol to release something from me. Anything...

A knock at my door interrupted my emotional refusal.

"Hey your stylist team and a few of the security guys are wanting to play a card game. They sent me to ask if you wanted in." It was Finnick.

"What kind of card game."

"Poker." He clicked his tongue " _strip_ _poker._ " and a smiled spread across his face. "We have to entertain ourselves somehow on this train."

"Okay, I'll be out in a minute." He was surprised I'd agreed, but I needed to feel something. So far it has been pent up anxiety, fear of my past memories, and worry about the people of Panem.

"Really?"

"Well, I could care less about what the others see of me and you and I have seen too much other the other to begin with, so what's the harm in a little shedding of clothes?"

"You just want to see me shirtless-"

"You just want to see my ass!" He was flabbergasted I'd come back that quick. The alcohol in my system from before was making me a little less filtered in language. I'd tried adding a bit of spirit to my body to induce the pouring of emotions, but nothing happened from it. It only made me feel better. Alcohol wasn't my outlet for anything emotional, but I wasn't a virgin to it either.

"Touche... There will be drinks so watch yourself."

"Is there a dress code?"

"You must have a total of seven items of clothing on, including undergarments." _oooh, challenging..._

"That is a little sexist. Girls have to have two kinds of those-"

"They don't _have_ to." he sang in a voice. "I'll see you in the end cart." and he left me to dress.

"Okay, the game is as follows," Scarlette explained the game to all nine of us before dealing the cards. "This is strip poker. We will be stripping, and by that I mean until you are butt naked. I have no problem with naked people as I see them all the time. The same goes for Leo, MantaCello, and Ementra. Finnick, I'm sure you're fine with nudity, and for the newbies: get ready to see boobies." We all laughed a bit as she finally finished shuffling and began dealing the cards out.

"This is a Five-card draw. That means you get Five cards each. If you draw, you put the cards you're discarding next to you so no one sees them, but only at the end of each round. If someone raises, you have to match it, fold, or raise that. The winner will be decided when there are two people left. The winner will then choose who strips what, and will be able to keep and/or wear that persons article if they wish." We all 'ooh'ed at the flirtatious possibilities.

"What will we be betting with?" Dave, a security guard, asked her.

"Since money is such a common thing for us, we will bet on things we find entertaining. Girls can place in nail polish, lipstick, jewelry-" us girls all had enough on for a few outings, "- hair clips, etcetera. Boys can put in knives, mini drinks from the stash I've brought along, rings, pens, Condoms-" everyone gasped and giggled, "Oh hush, and whatever it is you carry around in your pockets. ALSO, You can substitute a bet of any amount, with an article of clothing if you so do wish." Everyone agreed to these terms.

Directly to Scarlette's left was Deary who would be the first to bet on her hand. She looked nervously at her hand, but found confidence in her cards and placing a ring in the middle of the table.

"Who's next?" she looked and saw Leo next to her. He kept a straight face and placed his own tiger claw ring next to hers.

The hand continued like that for a while until Finnick played across from me. He looked at me when placing two drinks in the middle: Raising the stakes to two objects to bet. MantaCello placed a drink and crystallized pen in, Nat had put two condoms in breaking the ice for it, and was followed by Daves Knife and Capitol keychain.

I was next and placed, two rings and an expensive hair clip. I had a good hand, and to keep them fooled, I raised. They all thought I was new so tricking them wouldn't be that hard.

The next round went and more people began to fold, Including: Ementra, Deary, MantaCello, and Nat and Dave both. This left Scarlette, Leo, Finnick and I. Both Scarlette and Ementra put in clothing items: Scarlette her scarf and Ementra her cover top, leaving her in a tank.

Soon the hand was getting close. I had four nines and jack of hearts. A four of a kind, plus a pretty high kicker. That was one of the best and hardest hands to get, but I was able to manage after a few rounds of trading and betting more and more.

Only Finnick and I were left, and soon we were forced to reveal our hands.

Mine slowly laid out on the table, everyone shocked I was able to get it. Finnick was as well.

"Wow. Four of a kind, good job."

"Thank you. I may have played a few times-"

"But, not quite good enough..." I frowned to see his hand held four tens and the Queen of Spades. Everyone gasped and he only smirked at me seeing my loss. "You just haven't played as much as I have." we congratulated him on his hand and awaited his choosing. He pulled in all his winnings into a pile nearest him and looked around at who he'd pick. I knew who before he even had eyes on them. "You know I have to choose you."

"I know."

"Its only revenge." I hated him for this. Standing, I slowly unbuttoned my shirt and tossed it over to him, leaving me in a tank with everything else. Finnick happily added my shirt to his pile of 'goodies' as we dealt the next game.

Everything but my shorts, bra, and underwear remained on me. Deary was close to not only losing her own bra, but folding as well from her expression. Everyone had at least three or less items left to take off, and we all could see just how well Finnick and Scar were at playing. They lead the competition, still keeping what clothing they started with on.

I was sure I had a good hand this time and once again, now the fifth game, it was between Finnick and I. He kept his calm but trickster grin as I kept my blushing smirk. He was daring me to fold.

"You sure you don't want to give up? I'd hate for you to lose something..." he eyed my bum. "Important."

"I'm sure. Ladies first." I told him to bruise his ego a little. He shrugged and laid out his hand: a straight flush from five to nine of clubs. He was confident. Too confident.

"Well shit..." I murmured. He began to scoop up the prize money when I stopped him. "Oh, but wait." When I laid my hand, he dropped his jaw that I beat him. _ha ha._ "Does, uh, that mean I win the round?" everyone cheered for me as I collected my payment. His eyes met mine and he knew what I'd say next. He denied it, and was trying to refuse, but I couldn't let him go that easy for making me vulnerable in front of him. I wanted him to do the same.

"No-"

"Come on, give me it. It is my rightful trophy!"

"You really want it?"

"Yep." I nodded. I'd wear it with pride and to rub it in his face.

"Fine. let me personally give it to you. Surprising the others, he stood and walked over to where I sat, kneeling inches from me and slowly taking his shirt off. The girls cat-called and the guys whistled at him, forming a smile on his face.

I reached my hand for it, but he snatched it away.

"Uh, uh, uhhh... I'm giving it to you personally, remember?" I'd never forget what it felt like when he ran his hands over me, placing his shirt over my head and pulling it down the sides. His nose was briefly touching mine. Yes, I was turned on a little bit... who could blame me? It was probably the alcohol that had me tipsy and flirty and a little in "need" for something.

Finnick was different than Seneca. He wasn't as direct in the way he touched me. He was honing in on specific points on my skin, but put just as much care and lust into them as when Sen would pace his whole hand on my side. Finnick looked right into my eyes and what felt like my soul. He was reading every thought of mine in the single moment. And I wanted him to touch me, to...

A clock nearby was in my view point. It read two thirty nine. I was suppose to be awake in four hours.

"Okay and on that note, let's call it a night-!" They all protested, Finnick merely yawning. "Its two forty!" they all agreed and left for their rooms, keeping what prizes they won. Finnick's room was next to mine, so for the duration of the walk back, we stayed silent from being sleep deprived.

"Goodnight Finn."

"Night, Rai." Hm... I'd never heard that nickname before. "I want my shirt back tomorrow-!"

"Tuff luck!" and I fell asleep- Well. I didn't remember falling asleep I was that tired.


	17. Chapter 17

_**Chapter 17: 3, 2, 1...**_

* * *

Three was conflicting. The had some people booing me for fun, while others cheered and called my name. Their applause felt a bit forced and sarcastic, but I knew for the cameras it would look real. And with my blue speckled dress and highlights, I had an outfit that symbolized technology.

Entering into District 2, I was amazed by the landscape. There were mountains surrounding us with one large mound in the middle of it. That is where most of the quarries and mines were. We saw the people getting off their work as we passed. They looked proud and excited to see me. I'd never seen a group of people so enthusiastic about my arrival since being in the capitol.

Leo finished the touches of my polished metal dress, as Finnick gave me more words of advice.

"District 2 is the Capitol's favorite so it's no wonder they will love you so much. They create the riches for the capitol and District 1, so they know their power and influence. Keep them happy and light when speaking of the tributes you fought with. The families will be upset so be sensitive to that while also being proud you are a citizen of Panem, okay?"

"Okay." There wasn't much else he could say that wouldn't make me want to throw up from anxiety. My hair was stripped of the rainbow ends, but now had a gold ombre effect, gold glitter included. "I couldn't sleep last night."

"Me either."

"Really?" I looked at him, he was telling the truth not just to empathize.

"Yeah. Partially because I lost my favorite shirt, another because it was so late and I got four hours of sleep, but mostly It was a bit lonely sleeping without someone next to me." we other smiled, but I looked away. The doors opened and I was smiling.

"...Panem forever!" They cried out for me. They loved me. I hated them, but what could I do but grin and bare it?

District One was luxury. They provided all the entertainment items, decoration, and really anything you could think of that wasn't necessary to life. Tomorrow night would conclude the tour to the districts and would bring me to the man I missed so much.

Seeing Seneca, even the thought of seeing him, brought an excited eager feeling to my stomach. The feeling of his arms around me, his lips on mine, His eyes: all things that made me just happy to be lucky I found him.

Tonight we would finish our game of poker. Everyone filed back into the lounge cart and we brought with us our winnings and what we wore the previous night. We sat in different spots this time, and Finnick made it his priority to sit right next to me.

"No cheating!"

"Me? Cheat? How could you accuse me of such a thing. I never cheat." he picked at his shirt I wore. "And I want this back by the end of tonight."

"If you want it, you'll have to take it from me."

"Challenge accepted." We both smirked.

"Okay! Rules are the same, and you can even now bet other things if you run out of betting dough."

There were paper pieces for people to write whatever they wanted to wager near each of us, and it started rather quickly with Nat betting his next paycheck. We all knew that money was a useless thing to us [two victors and the rest working for Snow], but Scarlette accepted it anyways.

She won that round and made Nat remove his pants.

The next one, I was against Deary, Leo, and once again, Finnick. That last round, we all bet on paper different things.

"Okay, because I'm that confident, I"ll put in... one free message-"

"Anywhere-?" Leo began.

"Anywhere. Anytime. Any place. " and she tossed it in, keeping her hand.

"Okay, I will give out a free design of mine. Both on paper and physical." He tossed the paper next to Deary's and atop Scarlett's bra. She had lost it two rounds ago, but had a shirt on over. We all thought it scandalous, but she only laughed and said it was freeing for her anyhow.

"Why is it always you?" I asked Finnick. It was always the two of us that seemed to make it to the final few rounds.

"Tis the fate of our souls, my lovely Rain."

"Oh how poetic... Bet already." he smirked while scribbling on the scrap of paper.

"I will place a night with me to whoever wins this." Leo giggled and Deary simply blushed. I knew he meant to challenge me on my hand confidence. He wanted to see if I'd be willing to do the same. If I did and won, nothing would be the problem, besides the face I would be a message, a dress, and a night richer. If I lost, then whoever got me would know my secret. "You're next, love." He was leaning on the table and smiling up at me. My how his muscles looked under the light of the electric lamps and under the influence of alcohol in my system.

"Same." I slurred and wrote my name and bet on the paper. The other two wouldn't use the chance of having me [Deary was clearly straight and Leo was gay], but Finnick... well I didn't know if he would or not, seeing we were both wasted.

The cards turned over.

Deary was first with a flush of four, three, six, eight, and queen of hearts. She forced Leo to fold at a three of a kind: Fives, and a three and eight of spades. Finnick put his cards down and beat hers with a Four of a kind, all jacks and a four of diamonds. I sighed and placed my four of a kind next to his. He beat my four tens and Six.

Well shit...

"HA! NO WAY!" he laughed as everyone did. "Oh, Rain, you should have just bet my shirt, that would have sufficed." I was amused at his excitement on winning. everyone was either buzzed or wasted, some in between, so it was a flirt party for us all.

By the end of the night, Deary had kissed Scarlette, Leo had given MantaCello a big ol' kiss, Nat left for seven minutes with Ementra, and Dave got a kiss from me. Finnick got most of the physical wins, but not a lot of immediate paper wins. He was still happy with what he had.

We also made it to the end without anyone getting fully naked, Ementra had all but her underwear in the end, but it didn't matter for her. She had had permanent tattoos over her just that created a diamond look and even sparkled as such. _The things these people did to themselves just to fit in..._ Everyone thought in normal, save for me. Finnick had given me a look of horror, but hid it in front of the others.

"Hey.. Listen..." I spoke to him as we walked back to our rooms. He half carried me half walked with me from my drunken state. Half of the conversation I said in my head. _So since you have the paper and we're both probably too drunk to remember anything..._ "... why don't you just use it?"

"Use what?"

"The paper, tonight."

"Since it just says 'A night with Rain Troute', so... Slumber party. Simple as that."

"Why can't we have some fun? We can put our clothes back on so even the avox doesn't have to worry."

"Rain, no-"

"Let's make it quick-?"

"No." he grabbed my arms and kept me off him. He was trying to be playful in tone, but I saw in his eyes he really didn't want this. Due to Seneca and I keeping our relationship mostly just enjoyable of each other's company verses it revolving around sex, we hadn't done it in a while.

"Why not Finnick? Isn't this what you've always wanted? Your one chance to be with me." I whispered in his ear. "Your one chance to see me-"

"What are they teaching you in the Capitol?" He moved into his room, and I was quick to follow. I wanted to know why all of a sudden he didn't want to be with me. The past ways he's looked at me and spoken to me I suspected that he did. Was I reading him wrong? I was never wrong.

"I'm going to school for music-"

"-and for the people apparently." What?

"What is that suppose to mean?" If he is insulting Sen...

"You know what it means, love." He was wanting to play the game. The one where we insult the other and go back in forth until one is victorious. He's won before over me, but this time I don't think we were actually "playing." I had so much to yell at him, he didn't stand a chance. "If you've told me how much 'Sen' means to you, what is making you so willing to just throw yourself on me?"

"It was a fair bet. You bet yourself and I didn't want to lose-"

"I knew I was going to win, but I never-"

"Than why is it easy for you to put your name in, but I can't put mine in-?"

"It is my _job_! That is what I _do_ in the Capitol! It isn't yours!"

"And what it's my job to just look pretty and sing things? Can't I have some fun?"

"Seriously what things are you learning in the Capitol besides music? The Capitol teaching you how to be an old dictator yet?"

"Well they've taught you to be a dick, so you're about halfway there." I knew that was harsh, but it didn't stop me.

"What's been with you lately? I thought we had put this behind us, just for tonight-"

"I am having sex with my boyfriend!" He stopped talking as the switch in his head was hit, and he shot me a look of realization and anger. Things changed in that second of me opening my fat mouth. "There I said it. Hot, passionate, sexy sex. That kind." He I walked over to meet his eyes. "And you wanna know his full name? Seneca _Fucking_ Crane: Head Gamemaker to the Hunger Games!" His face went blank.

"Anyone else-?"

"Yep, quite a few others. But I think I should be worried about who _you've_ slept with-"

"I'm careful-"

"I'm sure." I spat. He huffed and turned to run his hands through his hair in frustration. "Why are you so angry at me? What could I have possibly done that's made you hate me so much tonight? " Angry and drunk aren't the best sides of either of us to combine. I believed I was more drunk than he was, but it didn't hinder my comprehension of what he was saying. He needed to tell me why he hated me. Ever since I returned from the Capitol, he's had this on-edge look and responses. Like he was waiting for something bad to happen, or for me to say something important.

"I have never hated you-!"

"Then why are you so angry?!"

"Dammit, Rain-!"

"Fuck you, Odair-."

"Because I love you!"

My world stopped for two seconds. Those two seconds felt like forever as my breath left me. Everything just... it stopped. I stopped caring. I stopped breathing. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing was as important as those four words.

"I love you, so much..." he whispered holding my face in his hands.

The only time or example I could picture feeling this way was the first time I kissed him. It was only then that I felt any magnitude like this. What did he mean by he loved me? Why would he be telling me this even though he knows I'm with Seneca?

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean that any life I had to life without you would not be worth living." and he kissed me.

Six months. It had been Six months, or 27 weeks, or 189 days. That long since we kissed last. It seemed like forever ago, almost brand new, yet it seemed just like yesterday. It was, in a small way, like coming home. Was it really?

Things were perfect just for one moment. This was how things should be. Not how things were supposed to be, but this is what I wanted. I wanted to be with him I wanted to wake up every morning to his face next to mine, his arms around me, his body with mine. I wanted this. I wanted him. Sen was who I was suppose to end up with; who I was made to be with. But Finnick, he was who I needed. And i believe he needs me in return.

We were ready to do this. Ready to just start a secret relationship right there. We were both ready to finally make lo-

A knock.

"I had to." Finnick interrupted me just as I second guessed my actions. "Just once. Before-"

"I understand-" another knock before the door opened. It was Deary. He grabbed both my waist and hand, and started counting.

"Can you two keep it down, like stop yelling and fighting? Some people are trying to sleep-" she saw our frazzled forms and closed distance. She suspected. "I'm sorry, were you two-?"

"No! No... I just had a few questions about the Capitol banquet, and thought I'd ask Finnick. He was teaching me how to dance. Properly." Lying was easy when you had someone on your side. Both Deary and I left after that, I couldn't look back without leaving my heart and mind with that man. I just couldn't do it...


	18. Chapter 18

**Well its taken me a while to post this one because of so many edits I had to make on it. I apologize for the waiting time, but I also had some family matters which suddenly came up. I'll try my best to be on time next week Wednesday!**

 **-Miche**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 18: Capitol part 1 **_

What awaited behind the doors of the train, were the thousands that would stare and cheer for my victory. We could hear the screams and security all excited for us to arrive. By us, of course, I meant Finnick and I. People loved the two of us for the same yet different reasons. We had lovers here, and also were successful with social situations.

Leo was trying to prevent me from itching the fabric of my entrance outfit. It was a sequined gold and black sweatshirt, that had more of a fabric cowl-neck neckline. It was cute and notice for the people's fashion sense, but I couldn't' stand wearing it. Along with my hair braided and curled to one side, he had me with heavy black and gold eye shadow. My lips were painted to match my skin tone so it brought attention to my eyes and clothing.

Finnick met me by the doors and showed his interest in my 'costuming.'

"Where are your lips?" after holding my face to examine it, he let go seeing I did indeed have my lips still. I was nervous for a moment he would kiss me again, even if I wanted him to. There was hesitation in his eyes and a flicker of what I felt reflecting. But he let me go. He forced himself to, as I forced myself to take a casual step away from him. We couldn't right now. Or ever. Finnick gave me one last smile before turning with me as the automatic door opened, pouring light onto us.

"Caesar it's great to be sitting back next to you!" I said sarcastically to the now famous Caesar Flickerman. He was sporting a bit of a purple theme. It was to represent the royal status I now held being so popular amongst all the people.

He laughed mechanically as everyone settled their cheers. Every year the Victor of that year's Hunger Games would firstly in their tour day in the Capitol, would have an interview about their life in the village and life with unlimited everything. I'd have to tell what I was up to, leaving out any emotional turmoil and other issues with the President.

"Hahahaha! Now, Rain, how are things in District Four since you were declared Victor?" From then on I would have several different questions to answer. Better start with the basics before asking about dealing with death.

"Things have been well. With the beautiful house the Capitol has provided for me, My family and I have never been so grateful."

"That is a splendid thing to hear. Now, I know we have all been wondering what has been going on with you and a 'special someone' you've been seen spending your time with. Could you tell us more?" Did he have something on Finnick and me? Our kiss? If anything was there, Seneca would surely question me further. After this week's dramatic turns, I didn't want him upset with me, too.

"What are you talking about, Caesar?" I played innocent.

"Why you and that handsome fellow from the Capitol. As we all know him by a certain name: Mr. Seneca Crane?" The crowd cheered and whistled at his name. I forced a blushing laugh.

"Now that the secret's out, yes we are together." Everyone in the thousand or so seated audience called and hooted.

"We-ll then! when did all this happen?"

"Actually a few months after I won-" was forced to kill in "-the Hunger Games. We met at an after party he hosted for me after the Games, and actually hit it off. I didn't think I would be coming out in one piece, but he helped to put me back together. Since we first met, I haven't thought of anyone but him." It was a sweet thing to say, but Sen would know it was me pretending to be a Capitol supporter. He knew where we were relationship wise and such, we did pretend with what we had.

But what we had, was it a lie on my part? With the feelings for Finnick resurfacing, I wasn't sure if what I of myself was really the truth.

Caesar then questioned me further on our relationship as to what we normally do on a daily basis, what our first date was (I told them at a nice restaurant after he asked me out on a stormy day), and what the future looked like as of now.

"Well, for now, we are taking things day by day. That to us means everyday getting to know each other again, learning new things funny or not, and also looking to the future and what it could look like."

"Like daydreams? Or are you two planning something?"

"Mostly daydreams on my part. I know his job is steady so no worries there. But it's different. We are both growing together every second we are together." Okay that was the truth.

"That sounds like a good plan." we shared smiles before the interview was almost finished. "Now the last time you were up on a big stage, you had performed a beautiful classical with your late district partner: Grey Twilight. Would you do us the honour of performing once again?" Well I didn't quite expect that. Okay I suspected he'd ask me to sing again, but bringing Grey up like that so casually? Really?

"Sure thing, Caesar, but how will I top 'say something'? It was clearly one of my best, I think." Flickerman got the crowd to cheer me on.

"It _is_ your tradition to do such a thing for us, isn't it folks? Hahaha!" I became very self aware of all the people looking at me. I hadn't sung in a concert-like setting such as this since Grey and I did. Yes I was prepared sue to my music class leaving me always ready for the opportunity to perform, but it didn't make me any less nervous.

Deary had my sheet music and handed it to a pianist. It was ready with a signal of the running stage manager who held his thumb up. I was ready to go.

It was Ironic the fact I was singing this song when I was hiding underneath layers of glitter and fabric. The dress Leo made for me was originally a wedding dress for the more ritzy people who lived up here, but he thought the design too original he only wanted one of his tributes wearing it. With it came silver tipped hair. Literally, my hair was sprayed and gelled to curls of shining and shimmering silver at the tips. I knew I'd find glitter weeks after this in the most strange spots.

I took a breath, ready. The arrangement was one I made myself based on the times I practiced it with Grey. I remembered every note, every riff, every little accent he'd put in it. Just hearing the beginning chords tightened my chest up. And with a pause, waiting for me to begin, _Just breathe..._

" **In every heart there is a room**

 **A sanctuary safe and strong**

 **To heal the wounds from lovers past**

 **Until a new one comes along**

 **I spoke to you in cautious tones**

 **You answered me with no pretense**

 **And still I feel I said too much**

 **My silence is my self defense"**

What was wrong with me?

The most annoying circumstance, I've come to find, is when you are perfectly fine with your life, everything is going smoothly, nothing big or life changing has come along. But then one day, an idiot enters your life, and makes everything turn around. You see things the way they do, you think about them every chance you get, and For some reason you just want to be with them. When you aren't, there's this longing feeling, a lost feeling, of anxiety that can only be calmed once you see or think of that person.

I chose this song in remembrance of Grey, so why was I singing and thinking of Finnick? I had done so well on my own away from him and in the Capitol, but since that night I stayed over at his house, I couldn't get him off my mind.

" **And every time I've held a rose**

 **It seems I only felt the thorns**

 **And so it goes, and so it goes**

 **And so will you soon I suppose"**

Truthfully, I was lost without him. He guided me with so much intellect into the games, he was there to save me from myself after, and he was here now while I had to relive all of it. He knew what I went through to get to this point, reliving his own past.

" **But if my silence made you leave**

 **Then that would be my worst mistake**

 **So I will share this room with you**

 **And you can have this heart to break"**

If Tim could rewind, and we'd have a chance to do things over, knowing what could happen, I would have never left Four. I would have waited for him to come back when he did. We could have been happy without hiding or living it out through other people. I would have gladly not met Seneca if it meant I had Finnick: my love.

 _Did I just think that?_

" **-And this is why-"** I faltered, " **-my eyes are closed**

 **It's just as well for all I've seen"**

How could I tell him all this and not break every rule set in front of me? My eyes glanced off stage right where he stood.

" **And so it goes, and so it goes**

 **And you're the only one who knows"**

I hoped he did. The tears made my eyes hurt, so the audience was my new focus.

" **So I would choose to be with you**

 **That's if the choice were mine to make**

 **But you can make decisions too**

 **And you can have this heart to break"**

A short piano interlude was strung out, just as Grey would have loved.

 _Oh Grey... I'm so sorry Grey. I'm sorry I let you die... Now that you're gone, you'll know how much I had loved you. You'll know how much I love Finnick, and what the cost of it is that I have to endure. You'll know that I shouldn't be in love with Seneca._

" **And so it goes, and so it goes**

 **And you're the only one who knows."**

 _You're the only one who really knows..._

Grey.

Finnick's freedom.

 _My_ freedom...

 _Seneca..._

Looking up at the bright lights focused on me, I had to blink a bit to clear my eyes. I was struggling to breath. The song was written to mean something. But now it had a different effect on me. My hand reached around my neck mentally something was there, but nothing was.

 _Breathe... Breathe... In... Out... In... Out... Okay, you're okay. Now look up and smile._ I had to instruct myself on what to do next. It was that or collapse to the ground with everything and my dignity falling with me.

"Hey, great job-" Finnick rushed to congratulate me.

"Thanks."

"Are you okay?" He looked for my eyes and I gave them willingly. He wanted to know that song was my world? Then he can know. If he didn't understand any of it, then it would simply just be this from me:

"I'm fine." the door to my room shut. Leo wasn't there, neither was Amentra nor Scarlet. I was thankful. My chest hurt. I sucked in as much air as possible, but my throat stopped it. A choke or laugh snuck out; I really couldn't tell the difference. I was shaking. The world was light and heavy at the same time.

 _Grey..._

 _Finnick..._

 _Seneca..._

Oh god. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do this. Ringing in my eas blocked out the sounds I made as my chest heaved in and out. The zipper on my dress shot down with a rip of me, but wouldn't come off. I couldn't get it off. It was strangling me, pressuring me, putting weight on my chest. I can't breath.

I didn't want to see anything around me of the Capitol. My eyes shaded it from me, but still I heard crying. My crying. I felt warmth around my chest and arms. Centering me. The feeling was hot against the cold around me; opposite to those final minutes in the area.

The dress with its sleeves was off my arms now, and only remained as a skirt. The room was taller since I was seated on the floor, but also felt relieving. I was breathing finally. I was okay. Deep breaths filled my lungs and let everything go. Tension subsided, abs relaxed, head was clearing, Things were returning back to normal.

* * *

"You ready?"

"How do I look? Not stupid right?" Deary and Finnick spoke. They walked me up the steps of the capitol hall where the famous and lavish party in my honour would commence. My dress for this second to last night of elegance, was surprisingly comfortable. It stretched to my shape and was fitting, but was elastic enough for me not to feel like a sausage. The only other feeling I could compare it to was wearing my wetsuit: snug, yet flexible.

Green, blue, and turquoise metallic beads alighted the entire bodice to roughly the length of my knees. It stopped and was continued by a sheer fabric matching a mix of all three colours. my hair was pinned up in curls, starfish, and shells. I had two diamond stud earrings, and no necklace [as to not distract from my dress or face]. Leo definitely proved himself tonight.

I now was standing a few yards from the entrance with Deary telling me how to behave and who to talk to. Finnick mocked her behind her beck and made me laugh.

"You think this is funny? This is the one chance I get to show everyone how well behaved and orderly I've made you to be. It is to show people how respectful you are as a Victor. I'd appreciate it if you did accordingly-" but my attention wasn't on her any longer. A tall man in a navy blue suit exited a car. He stood and had a very attractive beard and long hair. I knew that style anywhere and could see the slicked down braid. The brunette locks were darkened to a dark cocoa from hair grease. Someone to bring me back to the life we shared and the mutual respect we had.

Seneca...

My feet obeyed me in walking right over to him. I was ten feet away when He turned to see me. His stoic and publicized face turned bright and warm with a smile upon seeing me advance on him.

"Rain."

"Sen." and he held me once more. Oh god I missed him so much. Missed being held by him and missed holding him back. His hands held my chin as he then kissed me. We hadn't kissed in public since the start of our relationship, but until we stopped, I felt like it was just him and I. Nothing else mattered. No one else mattered.

When he pulled away, I couldn't help but for a split second remember that Finnick had kissed me in a similar fashion. Finnick's had been wanting and of the moment, while this was of relief and satisfaction. It was, I believed to be, love.

"I missed you."

"Missed you, too." he grabbed my hand and lead me in with Deary in rear. Finnick was already inside.

* * *

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 **Please and thank you everyone :D You guys are the reason I'm still writing these stories!**


	19. Chapter 19

_**Chapter 18: Capitol part 2**_

There were so many people there. So many berets, hats, beads, precious jewels, and colours decorating their bodies and their hair. Some woman who stood out to me had live birds in cages made of her hair. Others imitated my braids and fish themes wanting to be like me. I was famous for killing people, so why wouldn't someone want to look like me?

Seneca made sure he had his hand grasping mine as people touched my shoulders and arms greeting me. Their smiles were of awe, lust, and some envy. I could hear my name being called and people clapping. Sen was ignored slightly by most as he lead me further in.

The crowd parted suddenly as we came into the banquet hall where we'd be having our meal(s). They had many tables surrounding a center area of marble floor where I believed the dancing would commence. Firstly the meals, then dancing, and then the after parties would follow. Sen explained everything to me as we walked along.

As I felt his hand in mine leading me, I couldn't help but wonder if this was what it felt like to be at your own wedding. People happy to see you, having a good time, being with someone you loved and knowing that you'd spend the rest of your days with them. It was a happy thought.

My mind drifted to my own imaginary wedding day. Six months ago I didn't think I'd ever get one, but now it was a promise, as long as Snow allowed it. _That sounded horrible..._

Anyways, I've always been a secret girly girl. I love lace, and the little glitter accents that really have no significance besides the simple elegance. I love the colour blue, and I like wearing eye makeup because when people look at me, they will certainly pay attention.

My future wedding would be on a beach, specifically one from Four that I remembered had shells and rocks on the beach near the grass dunes. I'd have a canopy of sheer cloth and turquoise, Shells lighting the runway for me, some lily flowers placed in specific places, and soft music playing. In the past I'd wanted a ukulele, but now I was fine with a recording of piano. Partially because of Grey's memory.

When thinking of people, I had always wanted Grey to stand up as a groomsman with my brothers if he wasn't the groom, my father giving me away, April being my maid of honour, the town's people coming to see with teary eyes seeing me so grown up. My mother would be there too. But the one thing I caught and stopped daydreaming for was when I pictured who the groom would be.

A tall man filled the image as I pictured the exchange of rings and vows. Then the memory of his lips on mine in a kiss that would publically seal the deal of spending our lives together. His rusty blonde hair-

Sen looked back at me smiling nervously at the monstrosity of the crowd, before seating me at a table.

"We have never been in front of these many people together before, have we?" I had to agree seeing we hadn't. If anything, the public probably didn't know about us until my interview that morning. I hadn't seen anything in the papers or news about it, so seeing us together now, I was sure more questions would start up in a week or two if they hadn't already.

"No, not yet." My mind still buzzed as I felt the blush creeping up. Finnick as an option in my mind as my husband? Was that even a valid option to have? That was something that would never happen, so long as Snow was in power and both of us were alive.

But I wasn't just using Seneca as a replacement for lacking connections with Finn, I loved him. Seneca was someone I could be with and was currently. He was the one thing that kept me level-headed and scheduled in the Capitol. We watched shows together, he helped me with sounding out my pieces, and I'd help him judge if a sketched draft was good or not. The Architect and The Artist. I had plans and a life there, and he filled the cracks in between. He provided emotional support for me and also helped me to mature into a public figure. With the job I had, he kept me from harming myself.

Snow gave a small introduction speech before stating the events for the night: cocktail hour, the feast, dancing, refreshments, and the closing song and speech. We all centered our attentions on him, the room falling silent. My eyes traveled around and finally found Finnick's again. He glanced away the second I saw him. As if nothing had happened between us.

I kept my eyes on him. He'd look sooner or later, and he did. Our eyes met and nothing was exchanged. We just stared at the other. He looked nice in his suit. Seneca's was navy with a pinstripe pattern, a faintly striped shirt, pocket hankie for show and a matching tie. He was cleanly trimmed and looked very classy. Finnick had on a simple light grey suit and sky blue tie. It brought out the blue in his eyes and darkened his skin tone to a simple tan. he looked as though he had just come back from surfing all day: gelled to look wind blown, yet I knew gel would make it last the evening.

I wanted to run my hands through it-

No! I was sitting right next to my boyfriend and was thinking of another. If thoughts counted, I'd be cheating, and I wasn't someone who did that. After being the one who men chose to cheat **with** , I promised myself I'd never be in their positions.

We were given instructions to being the feasting, and it was a feast.

I couldn't fit anything more in me without looking pregnant in my gown, before Seneca asked me to dance. He had a moderate amount of food, always knowing his limits, and made sure to go slow with me. I was new to having everything that happened here, so being with him now made me feel secure. The way his arms held me as we waltzed and stepped to several songs was warm. It was nice feeling him just near me and sharing music together.

Soon after a few songs, I had a few men approach me, asking to dance. Putting on the public charm, I agreed and let Seneca take a rest.

After being through about fifteen men in five songs, I finally had a few seconds of rest. Seneca had retired to the bar, having nothing more than a glass of bourbon and large cube of ice. He never over drank any time he had one. It was rare on its own that he would have one, only done when he was in a public event where is was socially acceptable. I've only drank once when he was watching, and other times after specific clients asked favours of me. Again the previous night when we all played poker, but I didn't count it. We were all wasted too much to remember most of it.

Suddenly, my hand was pulled and I was forced against a tall broad man who melt of cigarettes and bad after shave.

"Hello"

"Callious." My smile never reached my eyes. The one who was labeled as my first. This man was one to beat me. He had twice out of the total three times he bought me. He was one whose family knew nothing of their father's evening life.

"I'm quite pleased with the celebration." His grip on me hardened, leading me further from the large crowd.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere we cannot be interrupted-"

"If you wish to have my services then it goes through in paper and signatures first before anything is organized-"

"I promise this one will be quick-"

"And with my say-let me go-!"

"We've been in this situations plenty of times to know we don't need all those things." The hand once holding mine now clenched and tightened, not letting me go as he pulled me to a hallway. I smacked him to let me go.

"No!" The look in his eyes was dangerous. He was being very hostile and dark. I didn't like it at all. I didn't like being with him near him or even thinking of him. He creeped me out and just made me feel disgusting.

His hand met my face before I could stop him, and from the force of it I almost hit the wall adjacent to me. I was glad it was my lip with my tinted lips stick so no one would notice the mark. Callious laughed seeing my lip split slightly after a second or two.

"That's alright, I'll take you anyways-" soon he was cut off when someone approached us. I kept my hands crossed in my arms as the person I knew came casually yet sternly to save me.

"-I thought I saw some type of altercation over here. Is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine. We were just having a disagreement about meeting later this evening-"

"No we weren't."

"Sir, what were your intentions?" Finnick turned to him.

"Mr. Odair, you misunderstand-"

"No, Mr. Gold I believe I am reading this perfectly clear. You intruded on Ms. Troute's personal space and persisted on making her feel unsafe _and_ violated."

"She was the one being impatient, if she just listened more to what I had to say-"

"From what I saw, speaking was not your only way of getting the point across." My face started stinging again as the bush rushed to the surface. Finnick must have seen the smack and come to see what was happening. I was glad he did. "And if I were you I wouldn't be trying to sleep with women who are one third your own age. Young enough to go to school with _your_ _daughter_ , right?" Gold's face dropped as he grew impatient and angry at Finnick for knowing his secrets.

"You want to bring my illegitimate daughter up again and see what happens-?"

"Would bringing up your first ex-wife, second ex-wife, and possible third be better? Especially when they find out you're still spending time with young ladies when you should have spent time with them." The man's jaw clenched and his face darkened. "I think I have a meeting with your mother-in-law next week about an investment. She wouldn't be to happy if something slipped, would she?"

"No..." Callious's said through his teeth. Having Finnick so close and standing in front of me, I could see his cleanly shaven face. He was always so sure not to miss anything, down to the last hair. The cologne he was wearing was prominent and familiar: the same one he used to wear in my training days of the games. I could smell him very well as he kept his arm on mine, and I knew what kind he owned by the sent.

 _Oh it was his smell._ The one I rose from nightmare and dreams with still echoing in my nose. The one that brought back memories of pre-games and comfort. _It meant him._

What the hell was wrong with me?


	20. Chapter 20

_**Chapter 20: Capitol part 3**_

I saw his jaw tighten. The same one that I had held to keep his lips on mine. The same one I wanted to hold yet again.

"Then let's both keep our hands to ourselves and no one will get in trouble, okay?" The way he could control situations with just whispers of someone secrets show just how many things Finnick did know. He almost knew who everyone important was in the Capitol, whether they themselves knew it or not.

"Mr. Gold!" It was Seneca now greeting our little 'party'. He joined us with a forced smile as to try and negotiate the situation. I saw his attempt at understanding what was happening by the look he gave me and Finnick. I couldn't give him anything at the moment, but grabbed his arm when he was in reach, allowing him to shield me as well as control more of the situation. "It is nice seeing you here. What has my lovely Rain spoken to you about this fine evening?" At the mention of me being his, Callious had a glimpse of disbelief in his eyes before anger returned and he turned away.

"Nothing of importance, any longer." And to my delight the man left. He didn't join the party, but headed toward the bathroom and back door exit. I hoped to never see him again. Seneca turned to me, as Finnick just eyed us from a distance.

"What happened here?" his hand found my lower back, leading me to speak in private.

"Nothing..." Regardless, he knew what Gold had intended. Sen knew what the man had done to me in the past, and hated him for it. Finnick was listening I could see.

"Thank you. For being there when I wasn't." Seneca turned to Finn, the latter's eyes widening at the recognition. They shared a handshake in gratitude. "I appreciate Rain having close friends from outside the Capitol."

"It's no problem. I just saw him coming onto her, so I thought I best to step in. The guy seemed like a bit of a creep if you ask me." Sen smiled in understanding. Were they actually getting along? Well I never expected them to ever really speak to each other, but I guessed I made the difference.

I snuck away to let them talk, and ran into another few past clients who asked to dance with me. Yes, I abided and let them, but didn't leave the thinking anything different than they thought of me previously. I stayed secretive and non sharing of my personal life, making sure to leave out my true affections for Sen or Finn. The had to continue thinking that something about them made them different and special.

"Finally I get my dance with you." I was swooped up in the arms of my lover as the music changed to a quicker pop song. We both followed the appropriate steps and movement. All the music tonight was arranged from popular music in the Capitol to that of an orchestral classical theme or genre. I recognized the music and it's sensual lyrics being absent. This was a song about a man trying to seduce a woman by showing her how he could dance, only those who knew the words knew it wasn't dancing he was speaking of.

It kind of explained my relationship with Sen. I met him not knowing anything I was doing, but now that I had my own ways I could show him I owned him. It was fun and energetic to dance like that with the subtext obvious to us both.

As the music changed to the second verse, I knew the lyrics. They spoke of being broken and scared, but that when I was with said person, everything would be okay. . Seneca smirked and danced with me. I didn't know he could dance so well until he dipped me a few times perfectly.

As the bridge came up, I felt similarities in what I felt to what the lyrics would be. I had a secret of my own, but only one night would reveal it to one of them. If I told them, they would have to keep it and to tell a soul.

We clapped when it ended. The evening was close to ending and guests began departing, speaking of after parties and tomorrows celebrations and hangovers. Sen lead me to our table as he got his coat.

"I loved spending tonight with you." He kissed me lastingly.

"As did I." Was he leaving without me? He must've seen my confusion.

"I have an important person to see in the morning, so I can't stay much longer." he looked at me, my face and eyes, as I gave him a play frown. "You're so beautiful." Okay he deserves a smile from me. "Did you want to come back with me? I'll cook breakfast this time?"

"As amazing as that sounds, I know you need your sleep whenever you can get it. I'll only be of distraction to that." He understood. "But next time I'm up, I'll have to take you up on that offer." we kissed one last time, as he got his coat and left, departing with some business friends and public figures as he went. I sighed watching him go. It was my choice, but He would be exhausted in the morning if we did anything but sleep for any amount of time. His schedule was delicate to change when immediate plans came up like this.

"May I have the last dance with the lady?" A voice to my left spoke. They were in my ear and made me shiver in the slightest being so close so quickly.

"Finnick." I sighed recognizing him suddenly. "I thought you'd never ask." We both shared a smirk as he lead me out for the final song of the night. The second the chords hit, I knew the song. It was one of my favorites I hummed all the time when cleaning or doing homework. Finnick saw the excitement in my eyes as I widened them. He smiled, knowing something I didn't, but I didn't care. This was my song!

"What would I do without your smart mouth  
drawing me in and you kicking me out  
got my head spinning, no kidding  
I can't pin you down..."

As I softly sang the lyrics to myself I felt Finnick chuckle a few times when I knew every word.

"You're crazy and I'm out of my mind..." He laughed. I gave him a look that said 'shut up.'

The chorus rang absently in my head as I leant it against him shoulder, humming. It went back to when I first heard of the song. Grey had found it in the archive of our school, wanting to learn and perform it at the next talent show. We would always make plans to learn these songs and stand in front of crowd together, but we were always overly prepared to do so. We'd learn four or five songs and never choose in time which we'd perform with, so we wouldn't at all. It was fun because we still got to learn things while also having fun with it.

"How many times do I-" My reminiscing was cut short upon hearing another voice sing with me. The vibrations of the man I was dancing with notified me it was his that now knew the words.

"Have to tell you," he smiled upon me looking at him. I didn't know he could sing. It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad either. We both laughed at a second when his voice cracked. He was trying. "Even when you're crying you're beautiful too.  
The world is beating you down I'm around through every mood...

You're my downfall, you're my muse.  
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues.  
I can't stop singing it's ringing in my head for you." Did he mean all things? His hand tightened around my waist told me something.

"... You're crazy and I'm out of my mind." no way.  
"Cause all of me loves all of you.  
Love our curve and all your edges  
All your perfect imperfections." He whispered these in my ear as the song progressed  
"Give your all to me I'll give my all to you.  
You're my end and my beginning, even when I lose I'm winning  
Cause I give you all-l-l-l of me.  
And you give me all-l-l-l of you..." He went more into the song and I joined him subtly for the joy of singing. Harmony of course was my choice of notes, and it amazed me that my voice, trained locally for years, actually blended well with his rustic and raw timbre.

At the nearer end of the song, Our eyes met and ever broke.

"I give you all-l-l-l of me.  
You give me all-l-l-l of you, oh." His cheek rested on my forehead as he let out a pained sigh. Subtle foreshadowing was in our grasp of each other, so I abruptly stepped away and left to get my shaw.

I didn't even thank him for the dance, glancing back to see his flushed face. Mine would be just as red and blotchy. The cool air to calmed my raging emotions more than ever. My skin was heated, and my chest clenched with a short huff. It didn't help he smelt good, looked extremely handsome in that fucking suit, and was so strong when holding me. He was safe and careful, yet a little fearless with me. He was crazy for thinking he could do this to me. But I was out of my mind to let him.

* * *

When the Cab brought me back to the room I was on the verge of either crying or screaming. I couldn't feel much of what was around me, and thought for a second that someone had drugged me there at the party.

I was lightheaded and felt like fainting at any moment. It was scary.

Barely remembering to tip the cabbie, my journey up to my hotel room was a blur. All I wanted was to just go to my room, take a shower to wash away all the glitter and makeup off and dream about something other than tonight.

I was trembling. My hand shakily go the card to slide out of my pocket and into the door slot. I slammed it behind me and all but ripped off my dress. I did remember to hang it up but only after my complicated shower.

Even standing was difficult. My legs were wobbly and weak as I stood waiting for the water to heat up in the shower. As it ran, My hands kept me leant over the counter staring at my blue nailed toes and bronze toned skin. Per my agency in charge of organizing my clients for me, they paid for me to get a few sessions at a tanning salon every so often. It kept me feeling like I was still in Four, naturally getting tan from working everyday in the ocean, but slightly more pale, as this was the Capitol and not a beach.

The braid and pins keeping my hair in were removed, and the glitter sprinkled everywhere I went. Luckily Leo gave me a specific shampoo that would help remove any of the glitter, while also replenishing my hair to keep it healthy. It had a strong smell, but also resembled driftwood. It made me think of home.

I looked at my eyes in the mirror before stepping in the steaming hot water. My makeup was smeared slightly under my eyes, but that was from getting the dress off. There was so much makeup on my face. _This isn't the real me_. This was dress up and pretend. I wasn't this proper woman of Panem, I was a Victim of tragedy and death. This was a cover up to who I really was, and I noticed that now. I wasn't some high-class, strutting "babe". I liked simple things and used to not care what people saw me as.

The water cleansed me of these imperfections and made me feel like I was shedding an old skin. I shampooed and saw all the glitter and colouring go down the drain after circling around my feet. It was refreshing.

It felt like he had touched me seconds ago. As if he were here with me, kissing me in the heated water. Where his perfectly messy hair would fall flat from the water and his muscles would glisten in the steam.

As I ran my hands and sponge over my body to wash away anything, I couldn't help but retrace where Finnick's hands had been an hour ago. His warm and comforting hands that burned me wherever they touched. My Imagination went a little far, picturing other places he might touch me. Touching my calves, my thighs, hips and my diaphragm, reaching down my stomach further until-

 _Stop..._

A knock on my door disrupted the moment and my distracting thoughts, which was probably a good thing. Seriously though, what had gotten into me today thinking of Finn like that? He was just a good friend.

The fluffy towel provided by my hotel kept me warm in the cooling air of my room as I opened the door.

"Room service, Ms. Troute?" A woman with a wide grin on her face, took a step back at seeing the towel covered me when I opened the door. I wasn't in the mood for a stranger giving me anything or cleaning my room while I wasn't fully clothed.

"No thank you-" and I shut the door in her face. My heart was beating rather quickly. who had I thought it would be? No one would be moving around at such a late hour, no one important enough to pass clearance to see me.

Once clothed in my pajamas, I notice just what I was wearing. I would have stayed nude all night, due to the shower's lingering humidity reminding me of home, but putting on my underwear and a specific v-neck was necessary once I left the bathroom. But I did notice that this V-neck didn't belong to me.

The mirror shown my sad reflection as I saw it covering just cover my bum. It was made for a larger person, a more built and highly gifted one to be specific. One that had years of training to know exactly what shirts to get based upon what percentage of muscle mass he had.

As I imagined what it would be like if he tried taking it back, I barely got it over my hip when someone again knocked on the door. Maybe I just needed to watch some show or read a book, and then go to bed. Sleep wasn't in sight with the energy I had now...

"You left your purse at the table." My heart skipped and began racing.

 _Finnick_.

The only time I'd felt anywhere relative to this was after my first three weeks alone as victor. I was shocked to see him again. That he _would_ show up now of all the times I needed or wanted him. Of course now, when I didn't _need_ him, but _wanted_ him..

What seemed like minutes was actually seconds of thinking as everything was hazy now that he was in front of me. In person.

"Thank you." I blurted out after a pause of gathering my thoughts. "Um, I just finished my shower so I'm a bit tired and dazed from the warm water..." My bluffing for not being embarrassed and a little nervous was horrible. It was worse when I tried keeping my hair from my face, blushing even worse.

"Yeah, the showers here have nice water pressure. It's easy to appreciate how well they keep them heated." _Heated. Yeah I'd say._ His eyes traveled to my shirt and lack of pants. His breathing hitched as mine did at the amount of skin I was showing. Me because I was a bit exposed, and he for reasons I didn't know. "Is that my shirt?"

"Possibly..."

Was he implementing anything? I couldn't tell and it killed me and scared me to know neither answer. Being witty I had spoken before I thought about it. Oh no. Ooh no... he was going to laugh at me or turn this situation even more heated. His was the make it or break it point.

A long pause remained in the air as we left it sitting. He wasn't looking like he wanted to speak and neither did I. I just wanted to think of what to say next. Did he like the party? What about the music was I an okay dancer? What did he think of Seneca, if he even liked the guy-

"Can we stop acting like nothing happened? Because to be honest I can't do this anymore." He wasn't asking a question per say, but he was claiming I knew what he meant. "I know what I want in my life. It's taken me a long while to really realize it and say it outloud, but I _know_ what I want." Of course _I_ did. I wanted the same thing.

I looked down as he took a step forward, understanding what ground we both stood upon. That one sentence, one moment, everything changed.

"Tell me the truth." I asked him. My eyes were hurting. I couldn't look at him long without wanting to break. This is... there werent words for who he was to me. He stepped even closer, putting his hand in mine as he stood less than a foot away. It was him. It was Finnick. He winced and swayed on the balls of his feet back and forth close to me. I couldn't make contact with his eyes from his fascination with the carpet, but when he looked up they were shot. A sharp inhale make his whole body shake for a split second. "Because if you can be honest with me, I'll be honest with you."

"Dammit..." he laughed painfully, still avoiding my eyes, even though I could clearly see the water and red in his. More red flushed his ears, cheeks, and neck now. He was in pain. And it was all my fault. "It's been... such an immense struggle everyday to not come here where you're living, interrupt everything you've made here, confess everything, and ruin your happiness. What I want is the most selfish thing I've ever asked of someone. I want... A future, any future... a life-..." a hiccup interrupted him, but he sighed to control it, "With you." I'd never seen him uncomfortable in my life before, but here he was, the most uncomfortable he could be as he opened everything up for me. I brushed my nose against his and ran my hands along his shoulders, chest and neck, settling them there.

"Because I love you..." He cracked. "More than you know."

I needed him to make me feel complete. Intentions not only being for the pure physical sense, but the emotional and mental bond shared between two people. My eyes felt sad, because of what we had to go through to get to this point. Simply telling the truth was so difficult for both of us. With my last whisper, every boundary between us and every rule I personally had made not to break, broke.

"I love you, too." I whispered.

And just this time to him, I spoke the truth.


	21. Chapter 21

**I am a hoorible person for making you guys wait again... please don't hate me...**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 21: Reality**_

That night everything was shared between us. All of our secrets we held in the Capitol, admitting moments when we truly felt something for the other, as well as many exchanges in showing love towards the other person.

I told him everything I could think of that made me who I was, including my time in the arena. Finnick finally know about my emotions towards Solar, and Coal, Willow, and the others. Grey especially. I could barely get his name out, but was still able to talk to Finn. It was so easy and simple for me to open up so much to him.

Like it was supposed to be.

He shared everything to me as well. In his games, he truly and soulfully never wanted to kill people. He was cornered the first time an acted out of self defence, but the next few times where only because those players had mercilessly killed defenseless tributes, and were the only ones left. However, one tribute remained: the one the plagued Finnick's nightmares, and the one he thought I was those months ago in the tribute center. It put quite a few things together. He was seen as attractive even at fourteen, so people trusted him. But that was his strength in turning on people because they never expected it.

But none of that drama mattered right now. All that did, was waking up next to my love, completely spent from the night before and wanting to spend the next few days with him at my true home. I was lying within his arms, and after studying Finn's sleeping face for a few minutes or so, he opened his eyes and smiled. My fingers traced his lips and brushed over his subtle stubble before he kissed them. Now awake, he started pulling me closer in our warm embrace.

"Wow." I scratched out my throat. He made a small face at the foreign noise before I cleared it and repeated myself. "That was..."

"Nice?"

"Very nice."

"Well, good." I then kissed his nose when he said that. "I love you."

"You said that to me more than once last night, you know."

"I was only returning the favour. You kept whispering it, saying it, _shouting it-_ "

"Shut up!" we both laughed. But yeah it was true, all of it... "I love you, too."

Who would have thought that within six months, my life would turn 180? I would lose those who were important to me before only to gain, and lose, and gain again two different people who filled those spots exactly. I lost Grey. I gained Finnick. I lost Finnick, but then gained Seneca. I lost myself along this ride, and gained a new self-awareness as well.

"Did that really just happen?" I asked him, trying to cover my blush slightly.

My life should not have been spared those months ago. Everyday I think about it at least once. It should have been Grey. It should have been Coal. Or Willow, or Pann, or Maple, or Barley. Even Solar, however twisted he was before the end, should have had a more fair chance. That stupid boy should have killed me the first time I betrayed him and that way someone else could have been alive. Someone more deserving. I didn't blame Seneca directly for saving me before the other, but it did have a major factor in why I still hesitated occasionally with him.

"I don't want to leave.." He said after a pause. I remembered the world outside of this one with a sharp pain in my chest of what happened. There wasn't anyway I could keep both Finnick and Seneca in this world. "Whatever we call this, I don't want it to end, or leave, or have to be secretive." We both knew it had to be. And with what I was situated with now under Snows orders and the public's demands, I wouldn't be able to hide that for much longer.

"I-I know." Not because it happened or happened with him, but that it was behind Sen's back for starters, and by Cornelius Snow's own mouth, illegal. A sigh emanated from him and I figured now he was on the same page as I was. "What happened... I wouldn't change it for anything." He was silent next to me "But we have our roles in this world. Set rules, and morals... If Seneca found out about-"

"So what you're saying..." he stiffened with those hard words. He wasn't thinking the same as I was. Not even the slightest. "..even though we both know that this is how things should be, how things are - _destined_ , You're still going to be with him?" He knew what I was thinking before I said it. When he spoke he had a sharp sadness, one of betrayal and heartache. "You're still... After everything-?"

"I'm starting fresh without having to hold back-."

"And I'm holding you back?" he sat up. We knew there was no good ending to this conversation yet we rebelled and slept together anyways. There was possibility in what we did for there to be something more, but I thought we both knew about the consequences. As if for just these few hours, the government did not exist and we were free...

"Please don't do this-"

"No, it's what I do-"

"Stop leaving and just talk this through with me"

"But it will _never_ be good enough for you, _I_ will never be good enough for you."

"I-!"

" _Thank_ you for letting me know now, instead of later." Everything began falling apart as now he was redressing in the clothes he came in with. I got up too, but kept a soft blanket around me and his shirt from the night before.

"It isn't that you aren't good enough, it that you're _too_ good for me." It all rushed out in word vomit as he rushed to put his pants back on. "Okay? Finnick, I don't deserve you. Finnick!" He looked shocked at what I said. "If you knew every single thing I did, not just of who I am but what I do now, you would know it too. I'm too tarnished-"

"But why is it stopping us? You know we aren't just two people who have sex nonchalantly, This was something special-!" he was growing in anger and volume. I couldn't stop this.

"Don't you think I know that?!"

Similar to when I saw him after I exited the arena, I saw the situation from a third point of view. I knew what he was saying and knew every response I could take to make it all better, yet I couldn't control what I was saying next. It was as if I didn't care to make thing as good as they could. If I did, people would die.

"Rain! I thought we were going to be honest! I thought you meant what you said last night. I thought you were going to fulfill the promises we made. We were supposed to make this right! How can you make them or even make love with me when you still have to hang onto your appearances here?" he muttered after studying me and still turning.

"STOP! Please!" he did and turned to find his shirt on me. Instead of taking this one, he stole the white one I had on the floor. "I'm sorry-!" I wanted to take it all back. It was a mistake to have said anything about Sen. I really couldn't care much about him now that I finally had Finnick, and shouldn't have even thought of him.

"I hope you're happy fucking around with him." He gathered his things and left me on the verge of where anger and sadness met. _Don't let him leave! Don't let him go..._ "Just next time you want to get laid, get some other whore besides me." and he left slamming the door as he went.

A _Whore..._

A whore is what _I_ was.

If I went after him now, everything would change. My life would be in crisis every second, Sen would find out and never forgive me, and who knows if Finnick would even talk to me after this. I betrayed not only myself but Finnick. I was to blame for what happened last night. I finally said yes to him and loved him only to push him away again. I was the Villain.

* * *

We left for District Four that afternoon, after waking up and having a brief tour of the Capitol. Deary had told us about every building we passed and who it was owned by when it was built and what famous people had been inside at some point. It wasn't really all that brief.

Finnick refused to speak or even look at me for the duration of it, and once we got aboard the train he sealed himself in his room so he didn't have to look me. Of course he did this after getting a bottle of gin first. I kept myself in the last cart, looking at the world as we raced by. I saw the outer fences and walls of a few districts, being along the way to Four and even saw the mountains of Two once more. They were very distant, but visible.

We arrived, and my town greeted me with cheers and celebration. They were all grateful that I was their Victory because it meant there would be a feast and everyone would go home with full stomachs, even the poorest of poor here.

Not much could be said about the party. It was fun and enjoyable, but nothing special. No giant dramatic event, no one particularly interesting to try and speak to or avoid. The only thing was Finnick refusing to speak to me at all. He was seated right next to me at our dining table, and when I tried talking to him about something, he refuse to acknowledge I existed.

He was leaving early, heading home at a fast yet sneaky pace. A bottle of something was sloshing in his hand as he hummed along, not caring about a thing in the world besides what happened between us. Who knows if we was or not, he was drunk and didn't remember much.

I watched as he walked out and away from the chaos of the party goers and fellow District Four members. He envied their happiness and simple minded ways.

Nothing stopped me from then deciding to follow him. He had been stubborn the whole night, not speaking to me or allowing me to explain myself further, he only ignored me and walked away.

I caught him just before he got to his house.

"Okay, you want me to explain my reasoning?" He just slumped in his stance, not sure if I was there or not. "The reason I haven't been able to be with you is because if I am, then Snow will kill everyone I love. He's using me for something like he has been using you. If I don't do what he says then he will leave me with nothing. I'm with Seneca because I'm starting fresh, yes, but mostly because I can't bare to see you dead because of me being selfish. I can't be with you because I love you so much!" He sighed in response. What, he wanted more? Fine.

"You bastard..." and I kissed him right then and there. He responded more lively and intensified the kiss. All I wanted was him. I just wanted him forever to be mine and me his. Why was that so difficult?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~{ }~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Rain!" I snapped from my daze to meet the eyes of Deary. She was standing next to me in front of where I had watched Finnick walk away. It was all a daydream. I was in Four at my own victory party, I ate a ton of food, and my District wasn't at all hungry in any way.

"Rain?" I looked her in the eyes, wide and attentive. "You look like you need some sleep." She suggested. Maybe I did. I hadn't slept well the night before from what Finnick and I went through, and had not the entire journey from early showering, late night after parties, poker in the train, and other things.

As she walked me back to the gates of the Victor village, I thought of my time on tour, all the laughter, the memories, and how sour my stomach felt at remembering my happiest with Finn. He would always be that special person to me no matter the time, date or either of our fates in the future. I would always love him.

But now everything was ruined. I ruined our friendship by letting him enter my room that pervious night. And I just knew that beforehand, things would never be the same if we did, I couldn't stop myself. I knew I was with Seneca, but I wasn't thinking clearly and just gave into my instincts.

Tomorrow I was leaving for the Capitol again to resume my classes and work. Seneca was waiting for me there. I was moving in this week with him. We were starting our lives together more and more, so why wasn't I as excited as before? I had everything packed a ready to go before leaving last week, and even visited more often at his place to determine where my things would be going. He was just as thrilled as I to start this stage in our relationship no matter our age difference.

Reality wasn't anything like stories or movies. You couldn't just drop everything to be with a person, knowing you had years of plans ahead of you and a future with someone else. If you looked at that path to take, you would create a more destructive and harmful world for yourself by being with them rather than staying with you plans. It was worse to do what you wanted, and better to do what others told you to.

And that's what I had to chose. I had to be with Seneca over Finn mainly because if I wasn't, my world would turn to chaos. My world, and those around me.


	22. Chapter 22

**I am very sorry for making all of you wait so long for me to post these final chapters, but a lot has come up recently for me in school, and im trying to do the best I can.**

 **-Miche**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 24: Anniversaries**_

The first few days of living together were difficult for me. I didn't want to ruin anything he had set up in specific ways, so I had yet to officially move myself in for a while. Seneca was overly organized at times, for good measure, but it made me nervous I would move the wrong things.

I loved being there when I wasn't in class or "working". Everything flowed easily there: the light, fresh breezes, the smells of his home, everything. I fit perfectly in with it all. My favourite place was either the loft balcony, or the specific fainting couch Sen bought for me he second time I came. The story behind it was I would just stand in front of the largest two story window and just watch the city and people and sky. I loved the view so much I hadn't noticed the chair until a week later after running into it. I loved him for that.

Christmas here was nice because it was the first away from my hectic and shunning family in Four. I was able to meet his parents, sister and brother-in-law, niece and nephew, and even his grandmother who may I say was a very kind, stubborn and colourful woman. She liked me.

We hosted several parties around the holiday weekend, and attended ten fold around the New Year. People loved seeing him at parties and better, they saw me with him. I don't know what it was, but I always heard small things about the press chatting of our relationship. It was for the most part closed off from the rest of the world, but occasionally we would be seen in public "canoodling" or snuggling on a bench when it was snowing beautifully.

Our perfect life shifted focus when I got a call from Saxon. He asked if it was possible for me to make it down for Mom and Dad's Anniversary. Being in the Capitol so long I almost forgot about it. I called him back and confirmed I would visit and see everyone again.

Seneca would be coming with me this time. I wanted it to be a surprise to my father because he would have to pretend to like him. It would be good to have them properly introduced, then maybe he wouldn't be so judgmental about my choices in men.

We were right outside of my old home now, just taking in the moment. It was the middle of February and still snowing. The street lamps helped it look more beautiful than cold out.

"Ready?" I asked him.

"Sure, as I'll ever be."

"Now remember my father wasn't too open about me being with you, so please be nice to him." I begged. He smiled in response and gave me a small kiss.

"Of course." And I opened the front door.

Everything was as I remembered family being. Warm, well lit, the smell of food cooking, and plenty of shoes and coats at the door. There was music playing somewhere, piano I recognized, and people laughing and talking. Sen and I left our things by the door with the rest.

I only heard the familiar voice before April smashed me with a giant hug. She had grown a bit since I last saw her. I was missing a lot...

"RAIN!" she sounded different, too. "I missed you! And-!" she paused seeing Sen behind me. She was never this way towards any other of my guy friends, Grey or Finnick. But just this time, she got silent and shy around him. I couldn't help but laugh.

"April, This is Seneca. Sen, this is April, my sister." She blushed shaking his hand as I introduced them.

"Are you her Boyfriend?" She asked him promptly. He smiled, looking at me and responded with a yes. "Rain, Saxon forgot to tell you something."

"What?"

"He invited Finnick. With you being gone so long, he thought you'd like to see him. But he left already..." as she rambled I looked up to see my mother on the couch laughing at something Saxon was saying. Laughing and showing true happiness for that brief moment. It brought me such relief that he wouldn't be here.

"Welcome home." Troy hugged me suddenly and shook hands with Sen as he introduced himself. "You're the _much-older_ boyfriend?" Technically, Troy was seven years younger than Seneca. Troy gave him the respect and looks as though it were the other way around.

"Yes: Seneca Crane."

"Game Maker?" Seneca had a solemn smile to that question.

"...Yes." He'd rather be known just as a business man or architect rather than the person responsible for the creation of areas where children go to die. "You're Troy I'm guessing?"

"She's told you about us, great! That way you know which one of us will kill you if you hurt her." He smiled, but I thought it was a little too far.

"Troy-!"

"I'm joking, Rain. Just thought I'd give the guy a reason to keep you safe."

"He does just fine." I faked another smile. Fighting was worth nothing when it come to him. Lucky Saxon saw my distress and came over to help.

"Hi, I'm Saxon. You must be the guy who stole our sister!" They shook hands as well as laughed about the matter. "Crane, right?"

"Seneca. And yes."

"Nice to met you, Seneca. Would you like a drink?"

"Sure, I think we were headed that way?" Sen looked for my agreeing answer and nodded toward the kitchen.

"So.." Saxon started while getting a drink for Seneca. No one knew it actually did drink occasionally, but only after a difficult client night. "How exactly did you two meet? I mean you've been dating a while, and Rain hasn't been home to tell us much."

"We actually met in an after party-" I nudged Sen's arm. We usually just told people we officially met again and spoke in an after party held in my honour after my victory of the 72nd hunger games. The lie began with me wearing a red dress and him wearing almost the same tie colour. We were introduced via Finnick and Deary, and once we began talking to each other and to other people, it sparked an interest for us both when people assumed we came together. We planned to have coffee the next day, and it ended up being every day after that.

This was my family we were talking to. I knew they would judge me on some small scale, but they knew me enough to know what types of decisions I'd make and knew I did have a sharp moral compass in people.

"We met before the games." Sen smiled explaining. It was nice to see this side of him with my family, the relaxed and social side. He rarely was relaxed around people he didn't know all too well, his monthly house parties as an example, but this was good. "I was holding a party for the technological staff working to bring all of the arena to life, the sponsors, the trainers, and tributes. It was a decent party, but most of the people there were invited by others who actually were. It was slightly overwhelming, and that's when I met Rain. She snuck away from it all and found my study where I was hiding he same." He laughed slightly, and I followed, truly remembering me faking my name, and pretending I was someone else. It felt like years had passed, even if it was seven months ago.

For some strange reason, hearing him explain this story in such detail from his own emotional viewpoint, I couldn't help but imagine him explaining it to our children some day. Yes, children. I always wanted to have children of my own someday, but only the day where we didn't have to live in fear that the children of this world could leave us so quickly. potentially marrying Seneca someday would ensure the survival of our children. Our children and theirs would live in The Capitol, where they would be safe from the games and the persisting control of the government. They would be safe until a time of rebellion would break out. I knew they would join the rebels and live to see the outside world.

Everything caught up with me when I noticed my family looking at me.

"-What?"

"When was it you knew?" Sax repeated for me. When was it I knew Seneca was the one for me, he was asking. That wasn't a difficult thing for me to explain, I just had to be careful in what I did say and gave away about my life in the Capitol.

"Um... I guess I knew there was something different about this guy the second date we had coffee together and he ordered mine perfectly for me. It's something that has become very specific to me and personal, but he took the time to know exactly how i ordered it and added the correct amount of sugar after to perfect it. The moment I knew it was love, was when I heard on the news there was a shooting by some radical high idiots on a street near where he lived and I immediately rushed over to find him just getting home from work. It pained me and made me panic so ferociously that I knew It was something more than a crush." All of those moments were true, but made me double check in my mind that they were. It seemed just too perfect for this to have happened to the two of us. But maybe because it was meant to be from the beginning?

I had next stuck for the next hour talking to my sister and sister-in-laws about relationships, children, and marriage. I wasn't quite ready to speak to the women, much less about personal things such as that, but there were somethings that were explained to me. Coral, Saxons wife, talked for ten minutes just about when she and Sax decided to get married. I asked why they ran away, but she just told me it was in the spur of the moment. To me it wasn't justifiable, but I didn't let her know. April talked with them for the remaining time on their dresses and what they would have chosen if they could change anything.

I've never been one to be big on girl talk. With Sen being my best friend, we normally talked about other things. Given the chance: movies, people, the political conflicts in this year's board for public control. everyday issues or positive events, and tv shows we both were catching up on. Simple and complicated subjects. None of the small talk gossip. Just thinking about being home (the Capitol home I adapted to) made me want to be back there. It was nice, simple, I didn't have to worry about what anyone was thinking or saying. It was just Sen and I, and that's all I wanted right now.

After the long hour of gossip with the girls, and catch-up small talk with my brothers, our meal couldn't come soon enough. Saxon had gone all out in making his special chicken Parmesan pasta. It was a family favourite meal while all of us were growing up.

Everyone chatted about simple things: work, life, things people said or things people did, and even what events were happening in the Capitol. My father especially had questions on what it was like for Seneca. It was good seeing them interact without my father wanting to murder him.

"So, what made you finally come and visit all of us in little District Four?" Troy finally asked me. We were both situated, unfortunately, next to each other when every place else was taken. I was trying to pretend I didn't hear him and was very interested in the previous conversation. It was never a good thing when the two of us fought. "Rain?"

"Saxon gave me a call. I thought it would be nice for everyone to meet Sen officially."

"'Cause it's not like we see him enough on the Capitol channels." that slight grimace he naturally had on his face showed even more so as he ate his food. "So tell me: How _are_ things between you two?" I was grateful he kept his voice low while everyone else talked openly.

"We're good. Living together has been great. And things are just taking their time, but it's what's important to the both of us. Everything has been perfect."

"Perfect. Good. So you guys, now I'm just assuming here, have probably slept together right? " The double negative made me cringe, but I got through the urge to snap at him for talking to me about my life away from him. This game he was playing was getting dangerous. "Not in just the literal sleeping sense but-."

"Can you stop? Please?" I whispered strictly. This was not the time or place to be discussing what happens between Seneca and I. It was completely personal. Just because two people do live together doesn't mean that they have sex or even have had it at all. Given Sen and I have was a bad example, but still, was this what my family saw me as? Thinking about my self evaluation just now, was I becoming someone I never thought I'd be?

"Stop what? I'm simply making conversation and asking my sister a question about this stranger she invited in our home-."

"Excuse me, but technically this is my home, provided by the Capitol on the condition I survived a battle to the death against 23 other people. You have no room to judge me based on my preference in people for comfort." I stabbed my chicken piece before angrily shoving it into my mouth to keep myself from saying anything that would worsen the situation.

"So it's just a comfort thing? He makes you feel safe and in turn you have sex with him? Tell me Rain, how is that **not** taking advantage of you-?"

"I don't want to talk about this now-"

"It is inevitable that we will, if we both want what's best for your family."

"Why are you even here?"

"Our father invited me, as well."

"Are you sure you didn't have to 'work late' or 'the kids have school' or some bullshit like that to stay away?"

"At least I'm still within the district and not off in the Capitol in some fantasy life that will only end when reality sets in."

"What the hell are talking about now-?"

"Ever since you've been isolated up in the city of perfume and plastic, Finnick, the guy you apparently hate now, has been here in his free time babysitting April and mom every week when April isn't at school and Saxon has work." Again I thought What? "You wouldn't know she has changed her favourite colour seven times in the past few months, she doesn't like fairies anymore, mermaids are her favourites, and she even has a crush on a boy in her school." This took me back a bit. Enough to keep me from eating further. "You don't know her anymore, and I doubt she'll recognize you once she figures out how things work in this world."

"She is my sister I know her more than anyone-"

"Do you? Her 'monster spray' doesn't work anymore since you won the games, and only humming some song will calm her down, Finn has told me. He has his own way of shushing her and comforting her that it will be okay." It shocked me that she would change so radically since my games. I should have been there for her when she needed me. I mean that's why I was allowed to live right? Wrong. I was allowed to live because I was literally the last one to survive against my will. "She'll even stay at his house for the night when she has bad dreams about you, or if she just misses you. He is the only thing she has that will reminder her of you."

"Why would he be here-"

"And who knows. From her distance in age to him being that same as you and Seneca, she might look to Finnick someday for the same reasons-."

I didn't want to be here. Last of all pretending everything was okay sitting here, pretending that I was anything but a whore and slut, pretending that I missed them everyday. I was sick of lying to not just them, but myself on what it was I wanted in life.

There wasn't anything that grabbed my interests besides music growing up, and it had been one of the only things that brought me back from depression. Seneca was the next thing once music was numb to me. He opened up the wounds again, sure, but it was done to make me feel something again. I felt pain, joy, anger, jealousy, and regret in many ways than none. He was there for all of it, and listened and talked to me about it all.

"Excuse me, I need to get some fresh air." My legs brought me outside with my coat barely on.. The freezing, cold, winter air met my face, and instantly I could feel my lips chap. As much as I liked the summer heat, i enjoyed winter frosts. You could wear so many layers and be arm while also experiencing the complete polar feeling all around you. Snowflakes fell around me as I just breathed a bit and watched them, trying to count as many as I could.

"Fifty... sixty five... Seventy one-" I gasped when a hand touched my shoulder. My head directed my body to spin and see that it was only Seneca. _No one dangerous and wanting to kill you..._ He smiled and put his arms around me from the back.

"How many have you seen so far?" It was a personal thing that I counted the snow. It had never been brought up to me that anyone knew I did it.

"What?"

"You count them. How many?" I glanced again and added another eleven.

"Eighty-five." I felt his smile on my head while he rested his chin there. It helped me to calm down having him here and holding me like this. I sighed.

"THat's quite a lot. Are you okay?"

"When have I answered that positively?" We both found the dark meaning behind that. "But not really. If I had known Finnick had been coming regularly and taking care of April while i was gone, I-"

"Aren't you two good friends?"

"No. Not anymore."

"Since when?" this wasn't good. I had said too much and now I was facing having to tell him the truth. I just couldn't lie to him, relationships built on lies never last long.

"Since the tour. We had a really bad fight and he was the one to walk away from it. It was stupid, but neither of us forgave the other for it." His arms tightened around me.

"I'm sorry." I felt my breathing hitch as a sigh escaped me. No. Not now. Not in front of him. He will ask why, and you'll want to not tell him anything about Finnick but it will spill out and he'll leave you like everyone does... "You're crying?"

"I'm fine." the spit clotted once my throat was closed up. It was difficult breathing but I tried. Put on a smile and pretend nothing is wrong. for yourself, Sen's life and Finnick's, put on a smile.

Just keep it all in and no one will know the truth.

No one will know you love him...


	23. Chapter 23

_**Chapter 23: Blue**_

At the same time I felt as though I didn't belong here, amongst all the cleanliness and proper people of the Capitol, I felt as though they still accepted me. Life here was good. It was constant and it was repetitive. I was working the job Snow forced me into every other weekend, and had classes in between. Seneca and I were learning more and more things about each other, both mental and physical. We were growing in our relationship.

Seneca knew about my obsession with counting almost everything: beats to a song with my foot or hand, snowflakes, steps my feet take, stairs, and sometimes seconds. It only took him a few days into living with each other for him to voice his knowledge of it. In that he also mentioned that he picked up on the tick from the third time we met at the cafe. We were walking down some stairs and he heard me counting under my breath.

I also grew accustomed to his need for cleanliness. He had a maid and every so often he would notify her of something that needed dusting once more or a window curtain to be straightened. As I was with my music and performance, he was a perfectionist with the space around him. I figured it was from his education in architecture.

It wasn't until the second week that seeing something reminded me of the games. It was something simple and stupid, I shouldn't have even picked up on it, however this time I did. And it bothered me to the point of curling into a fetal position, counting, and repeating the same number. Thirteen: The number of days I was in that arena, on that island. The number of days I had left with Grey before he died. Most people only said twelve because I was rescued in the dawn of the thirteenth day. I lived through it. I counted that one day.

Today was a rainy tuesday morning, and Sen had left for work about an hour ago. I was about to take a nice long shower, having two hours before my classes started today. It always soothed me to take a cool shower before doing anything in the morning, whether I actually shampooed or not the water always felt nice. We didn't have a swimming pool directly in our apartment, so this was the closest thing.

I turned on the water in our two-entrance shower, and let the sound of beating water put me in a state of relaxation. Only on extremely cold days did I have mildly warm showers. I never had hot showers. It reminded me too much of the boiling water in the last hour of my games.

 _No. It was too much..._

My mind released that image as I caught my breath. It left me suddenly once that thought had filled my mind, but then it was gone. I undressed and let my hair down from its ponytail, running my fingers along my scalp and feeling just how gross my hair was. I sighed. Definitely shampooing this time.

Oh, how my face looked differently. Just from staying in the Capitol, I was filled out more from my post-games depression. My body was even comfortably filled out: no rib cages or hip bones protruding, no boney shoulders, and my thighs finally touched again. Only healthy weight and fat.

Suddenly the door to the apartment opened.

"Hello?" I grabbed the closest thing to me that would cover my body: Seneca's pajama shirt. And to the irony, it was him starling me. He stood at the foot of the fireplace looking up at me as I inspected. "You're home?"

"I forgot my tie." Seeing him all dressed and ready to go, he _was_ missing something.

"I'll get you one."

"Please? The forest green one with the black patterns." I followed his advice and found the drawer where that tie would be. Unlike me, he was very organized with his clothing. Everything was colour coded, organized by fabric type, and then organized into patterns. It was a bit of a bitch to do if one thing was out of place, but it was helpful when looking for something quick. I reached in and grabbed it, but not before seeing something on one of his shelves. The small box matched the black velvet that lined the shelf, and was barely visible.

"Here you go!" I said tossing the tie down. The frown on Seneca's face was pretty well understood as he looked up.

"You aren't going to hand deliver it?" he started walking up the stairs slowly. There wasn't any time for something like that, he had to go to work.

"You're running late! I'll be here when you get home." the smile he gave me looked like a happy boy. He loved me. And it is the most powerful and wonderful feeling to have knowing you are loved. My eyes followed him to the door as far as I could.

"Love you." I said as he looked back.

"I love you, too." He replied.

My heart was pounding now in my chest. That box. What was inside it? Who was it intended for? My feet reluctantly carried me back to that drawer. I opened it and saw the box in the back. It was light in weight, but still rather sturdy. I just about dropped the thing when opening it.

If my prediction was true... _Holy shit._

I had it back on the shelf within a second, but had Saxon on speed dial before I left the room. My mind was thinking a mile a minute as I heard the familiar ringing in the other line. Eyes started getting filled with tears, and I couldn't stop smiling. He picked up.

"You're never going to believe what I just found." What did all for this mean for the future? Things would be very different for both Sen and I and our families. But was I ready for this? At my mind stage, I was still diagnosed with PTSD, and still constantly had breakdowns over the stupid things. Was I mentally stable to be entering this level with Seneca if at all?

He didn't get a chance to speak, but I knew he would be excited to hear from me. We hadn't talked in a few weeks, but this was something I had to tell him. He was always that type of a person for me: one I could talk to about anything and then give me advice about it.

"Hello? Who is this?"

"It's Rain. I'm calling from home. I thought I gave you my new number?"

"Oh, Hi..." there was an awkward pause. Why was he being so weird? He did sound a little strange over the phone, but maybe that was because of the distance or the quality of the signal? "I didn't think you'd call me-"

"Why wouldn't I?" again he stayed quiet. "Sax?"

"It's Finnick, Rain?"

 _Fuck..._ pardon my french... What did he mean 'It's Finnick'? Was I speaking to Finnick?! This was a mistake, this was a huge mistake. I didn't want to ever talk to him again. I didn't want anything to do with him. Nausea hit me like a brick to the gut..

"Um..." It was a whisper.

"Hello-?"

"Sorry. This was- I meant to call Saxon." My thoughts jumbled and pounded in my head with a sharp and intense pain.

"What-?" I hung up and threw my phone across the room. _No. Not that._

 _no. No. NO! NOT AGAIN. I was done being the pathetic stupid girl. I didn't want to look at anyone, he looked at, smell hear or think about him any more. I hated him so much for ruining everything good to me and about me. What the fuck was he thinking?! I can't be with him for more reasons than the obvious._

 _Why couldn't he just have picked up on the fact I was a freaking whore just like him? It takes one to know one, so why hasn't he noticed? And now i'm supposed to be happy and go lucky, probably getting engaged to the man I've known for eight months now, been in a relationship with for half of it, and now saying yes to a proposal I haven't even been given yet! Nothing was making sense anymore!_

I turned the heat up slightly on the shower, unconsciously to help relax more.

This couldn't get my anxiety up anymore-

It was blue.

Not just a regular blue, but thousands of shades and colours all changing at once together as well as in pattern. As one form crashed, another would form from it and a third would crash into that. As if it were an ongoing battle of hues.

There was a slight smell of coconut and sand, and a bright light was out shining bright and warm. The heat was increased and humid as well, and the scent of salt and fish sat mixed upon the air of the ionization of the ocean. A smell you never forget once you've experienced it yourself. Yes, a perfect breeze made it better by gently moving the small hairs around and tickling my cheek.

When I was little, I used to have this fascination with the objects my father kept in his shop. Before he installed the air conditioning to regulate the temperature, he used to just open the windows in the summer months of business. The sun would heat the entire shop in the early evening hours, and cast a warm yellow, orange, or red light into the rooms, and make everything so inviting.

Something particular i was interested in out of everything was the fish kooks my father kept on display after his big catches. He had hundreds of them lining one wall the sun would hit. It would warm the metal and iron in the hooks themselves and create a salty and metallic smell in the air. It was always strong enough some days to where you could taste it coming in. it would mix with the leather, and old wood the shop was made from. It was home.

Instead of smelling the entire shop itself, the odor that took me by surprise was similar to just the iron hooks. Like a jar of hooks or pennies left out in the sun all day. Hot and coppery. It didn't stop there, but I also smelt of acid. Its smelt similar to chicken soup, but more sour and sickly. The only thing reasonably comparable to it was vomit.

But why was I smelling copper and vomit?

My eyes finally picked up on more colours around. There was a red orange coming from behind me, and reflection onto the plant life and water all around. I felt a wave of extremely hot air before turning around to the horrendous sight before me.

Every single one of them.

They were all burning.

They weren't just burning, or melting, because the fire wasn't destroying them. It only make them move faster as they chased after me. I couldn't move, they came closer and closer I couldn't move or scream or do anything but watch as they turn into clawed bloodied, burning corpses slowly running.

I felt one grab me and shake me around, its claws hurting me. There was a warm and hot pressure on me like steaming hot rain falling. The sky was falling and raining red blood on me. It burned.

Darker and darker I fell in the water, it stinging my lungs. hurting my head. I felt it burn me. I was dying. Surely this time I was dying-

It wasn't just him that brought me back, it was the familiarity and the absolute knowledge of everything he meant to me that brought me back.

Blue eyes. The flecks of Cerulean, aqua, white, silver, azure, and sapphire that made every muscle of his irises. Ice blue eyes and brown hair. Dark brown hair the creamy skin. And stubble. And his strong jaw and chin. His eyebrows that were so expressive at times, yet always stayed stoic around the public. Every curve of his face, and strong angular contrasts. The light shadow of the birthmark he had hidden in his jaw line on the right side. The smell of his breath: coffee with only creamer, and toothpaste from brushing his teeth before drinking the coffee, a usual mistake of his. Usual and constant. Something I thirsted for in this moment.

Him: Seneca.

That face flashed in front of me.

What? How was he here? Where was I right now? What was going on-

"Rain?!" he shouted shaking me. He was drenched in the water coming from the wall, but he was still wearing his suit. that didn't make sense. My mind felt startled. I was still partially flinching when thinking of those monster things coming on me.

I don't remember how I ended up in bed, but for the next few day and a half I stayed there. Sen made sure he was with me whenever we were home and had Amanita, our maid, bring us food to our room.

It had just been enough to push me over the edge. I'd denied it from happening for a long while now, and never actually thought it would happen, but it did. And I had to deal with it if it happened again.


	24. Chapter 24

_**Chapter 24: Privileges**_

It had been about 2 weeks since Seneca found me in the shower. It took almost a full two days until I was speaking again to him about it and what had triggered it, but I managed to tell him. Telling people about what happened in the games was something I had never done before. Everyone just knew about it from watching or reading the events. People always had their outside views on it, never thinking about how it was for me: the one experiencing it all first hand.

Strangely enough, I had been reasonably okay since my games. Besides the outbreak that lead to me being mentally ill and institutionalized in that mental ward. The minute that piano came in my vision, I already felt better. Yes I'd saw things everyday that reminded me of Grey, but it had never set me off the way that accident did.

But finally someone asked me what happened and actually listened to my own side of the conversation. He knew what happened, calling the shots in the games, but never knew what it must have been like to go through all of those difficulties. Losing people you had just met but trusted with your life was something no one could fully recover from. It didn't help still having nightmares of the games along with panic attacks. Of the three doctor's I saw for this, they all called it a sort of PTSD.

We were currently working on new exposure therapy I was prescribed by my therapist to have. I'd come into contact with hot water more and more and would build up the knowledge of it not harming me or bringing back those memories.

"I'll just wait for you to be done. Or use the shower downstairs-"

"Do you at least want to try?" It was difficult making these types of decisions. I was risking all I had worked up for, simply by overcoming the fear of hot water. It wouldn't be just room temperature warm, or body temperature warm, it was the steaming hot water that scared me. The same hot water that swallowed both Grey and I up in those games. The same water Seneca had failed to allow fill my lungs as I sank further down- "Rain?"

I snapped back. Seneca was worried, but then again my nerves _were_ getting the better of me. They had cause me to breathe heavier and shake slightly. It would take my own willpower and mental capacities to control my reactions. He was there to keep me from going back or checking out, so if I just focused on him, then everything should be alright... Right?

I removed my robe and walked slowly over to the tub. The cold tile made me want to lie on the floor and take the cold rather than this suffocating heat. Seneca was waiting for me in the waist high water, hand held out. I wasn't ready.

"There's no walking out, Rain. Dr. Murphy said-"

"Yeah I know." What seemed like forever was about 10 seconds of taking the last two steps to reach Sen's hand. It wasn't just being in water that scared me. It was being under it and being covered head to toe that made me panic. That was the reason why I normally washed my hair in cold water before my shower so the heat only touched some of my body.

My hand reached his soft ones and it guided me up the two tiled stairs and down again into the water. I winced when my foot went in, already feeling the air around me thin.

"Hey, look at me." I heard Seneca say after the third time. My eyes met his, bringing me the cold I needed. Those blue eyes reminded me of the cold and helped me to imagine I was there and not here. Okay, I could do this. He heard me sigh and smiled. "See? You can do this... one more step... there!" I stood next to him.

"Next step: sitting." He adjusted to the middle, and helped me slowly lower myself. The warmth was still suffocating. I felt the pressure of the water already on my chest and lungs one feels when in the water. He had both my hands and was running his thumbs over my knuckles under water. "Perfect. You are doing so well, it only took... about five minutes." Nervously, I laughed, and he pulled me closer to the middle with him.

"Wait wait-" no this wasn't know, I was in the middle and there wasn't anything for me to pull myself up if I went under too soon! "I'm sorry, I can't do this now-"

"Yes, you can-"

"No, I said before-"

"All you have to do is look at me-"

"I can't do this-It's too hot, I can't breathe..." no it was starting again, I couldn't stop it. The water-Grey-Zyre, Coal...-Solar! SOLAR! GREY! NO! NO! "I can't breathe-!"

With a jolt, he lifted me up out of the water and just held me level to his eyes. I gasped for air and looked at him, he was blurred. Sen was concerned I knew that, more so than I'd seen him before the incident. His eyes were wide and searching for a way to help. He was so good to me. Too good for someone like me. "I'm sorry-"

"Why do you love me?" Holding racking hiccups back wasn't possible at this stage. "When I'm still like this?"

"Because You aren't afraid of showing who you are around me. Whether it's your own actions and words, or involuntary relapses. To me it doesn't matter the tough times we are going through and will continue to go through. I want to protect you in any way." And for that I kissed him softly. Just a simple peck on the lips to show him my gratitude.

"Thank you."

He asked me if I was okay with going back in. I knew he wouldn't let me go or drop me, soI nodded okay. We both slowly returned to the water. very slowly for my sake. It took a shorter amount of time than the first try, and I was at the point of having my entire body and neck submerged.

* * *

For the next week and a half, we would go through the same routine. However, each time we did, I was able to get in the water sooner and more calm than before. Sen was proud of me, and I was happy about finally moving on again.

Tonight, he took me to one of the nicest places to go in the center of the Capitol. In the White stone district: where everything was made of large quartz, white granite, white marble, and other stone work that made the town seem to glow. It was the cleanest part of town as well, and had some of the most expensive places to eat, stay, and work. I would know, my classes were held just a block from where we were tonight.

"I have a question for you," He asked me as we ate our appetizers. We had ordered a nice wine, some salads and later would the perfectly seasoned salmon arrive. It was my favourite and Sen's. "I know this is random, but it's been in my mind for a while now."

What was he about to say?

"Where do you see us in the future?" okay, not exactly what I was thinking, but I still went with it

"Um... I guess I see the two of us similar to now: but I have a real job in music, and I see us maybe start to settle down." It was a bold thing to say to a boyfriend of almost half a year, but things were right with him. I could definitely see it in our future. Possibly, in a few years, we might have a kid or two running around.

"Maybe? Is there someone out there who will treat you any better than I?" he smiled taking a bite of spinach in his salad. I looked at him, taking in the good feeling of the moment, but something upset it. There was something I saw in him that looked nervous and on edge. Similar to past issues of his plans not going right, he would get slightly twitchy, have very warm palms, and clear his throat as an anxious tick.

"What's wrong?" He asked me.

"What? Nothing."

"Of course it's something-"

"No, its nothing." was he planning of breaking up with me?

"Did he give you the wrong drink? Seriously, we've been here how many times, and still they manage to-"

"Rain, it's not that. I'm just excited." Huh?

"About what, exactly?"

"I've been proud to say this for a while to you, and made sure I was early in getting them," what? "So now I have third row season tickets to the Panem Opera house starting this up coming month." and the tickets were already on the table before I could think clearly.

"Oh my Gosh-NO way!" I've always wanted to go and see a performance there, but never had the time or put much thought to it from what both our jobs require from us. But there they were: the tickets to see a performance live!

"How did you even get these?"

"Since I'm one of the most known people in Panem, so I was able to pull a few strings." My mouth couldn't stop smiling. This was a first time thing for me, and I was ecstatic. The tickets were reserved for the fall, and that was the perfect time to go and see shows, when everything was briefly cold out so everyone was required to wear tuxedos and coats, and the women to wear long dresses with expensive jewelry and laborte longer hair. Leo was my designer for as long as Snow would let him. For the past months, whenever I went anywhere, it wasn't before choosing from his designer wardrobe he picked specifically for me to have.

"I d have one more question about the tickets though." he asked, interrupting my fantasy of wearing beautiful dresses and having my hair done again and again. "Is it okay I put my name down," he handed me the reservation receipt, "on the reservation?"

There wasn't anything out of the ordinary. He had taken the receipt with the names down, and I saw they were reserved in the lounge section of the theatre so during intermission we could get something to drink and eat. I saw Mr. Seneca Crane? No, wait. It looked different...

Mr. & Mrs. Seneca Cra-

...hm...

Mrs...

...the hell-

 _Mrs.?_

Yet the second I looked up from it, I didn't see Sen across from me, but right next to me by the table. He had something in his hands. And he was on one knee...

 _I didn't think he was actually going to-_ the blue velvet box slowly opened.

 _Oh my god-_

 _OH MY GOD._ It was that same ring I saw weeks ago in his drawer. It was for me.

 _What?!_

My hands dropped the reservations on the table to cover my mouth in shock. I couldn't keep my eyes from being so wide in shock.

"You are not obligated to say yes. Though I'd say that first. You don't have to just say yes and then say something else latter about it, you can be as honest as you want with me. I know we are quiet the talk of the town when it comes to our age difference, but my thoughts are such: It doesn't matter how many years, how many months, how many minutes, miles, moods, or emotions that separate two people in love. If they are in love, that is the only thing that matters. Everyone wants to be loved, and most would do anything to find it.

I've waited a hundred years, but I'd wait a million more for you. Nothing prepared me for what the privilege of being yours would do.

I didn't have to go too far to find mine, but you did. You weren't only discovering who you are, but rediscovering new things as well from time to time. I've definitely taken an outside look at who I am and had to change a few things. You made me see things in a different way, and it's made me a better man. You changed a man who never really took on any serious relationships into someone who ever only wanted one. He just didn't know how to come about it until meeting you.

You've taught me to enjoy the little things in life, and find joy in the darkest of times. I've learned to be a better partner and a better person. I hope to someday be better still, but better as your husband. Your love is my turning page. I surrender who I've been for who you are, for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.

I don't just want you in my life, I need you.

So with my dignity and emotional stability on the line,"

 _Oh my gosh-_

"Will you, Rain Brooklyn Troute, marry me?"

That... was beautiful. He was astounding me at this moment with not only the action of proposing but his declaration of how much he loved me. I couldn't believe someone actually loved me this much. Yes I figured when I was younger I'd get married and have children, similar to almost every little girl. Yet, growing up in these times of starvation for outlying districts, and battles to the death between the same children I'd be choosing to raise changed my way of thinking when it came to children.

Living in the capitol my children would be safe. I'd be safe. Seneca would make sure of that... Oh how I wanted to be safe for so long. No more prostitution, no more "serving others", and I'd be able to get a real job to provide for my family...

Something, and I couldn't say why, pained my chest. Why did I have to think of that now? There wouldn't be any way I'd be able to rid myself from it. I'd have to live with it for the rest of my life If I said yes. But I realized that I deserved to feel that pain. I deserve to have the one thing of regret in my mind forever based on my past actions.

 _This was... unreal. Was I dreaming?_

"Yes..." the smile he shared with me was worth a million words.

 _I wasn't._


	25. Chapter 25

_**Chapter 25: The Truth Comes Eventually**_

Both Seneca and I had gone to District Four about two days later to tell my parents in person before we said anything to the media or officials. It was our own special thing just for this moment.

Of course being in the Capitol, we told his family first. They were thrilled for us, his mother and sister both hugging me and welcoming me to the family. His grandmother, who lived with his mother now that she was getting older, started crying out of happiness. I made sure to hug her myself to help in any way. Whenever we visited them, I never really wanted to leave and always left with a smile on my face. They were the close family I wanted.

Seneca and I had then spent time talking about where and when our wedding would be. Some dates before the next hunger games came up, but we decided after them would be better, as not to raise suspicions I was only wanting attention for my tribute and sponsors for them. Also, Snow wouldn't get mad at either of us because of my not supplying customers "needs."

Deciding an exact date was actually difficult for the both of us. Nothing seemed to work out with either of our schedules. But that was what worked for us. We were both rather organized people. Deciding as of now was going to be difficult, so picking a date was put aside. Enjoying just being together and being engaged was what was important to us.

When I finally announced to everyone in my own family over dinner than Seneca and i were engaged, I got a response I never thought I'd get from them. We were a close family, but at the same time we were always living separate lives. When I was younger, up until a few years after April was born, we always had family meals together. It ended a few years after April was born and my mother's accident.

Things changed dramatically. Troy got too old and started spending more dinners over at Adrianna's family's house, Saxon re-opened the shop with Mom, and I took care of April. We all grew up.

Almost everyone in my family jumped up and wanted to hug each of us. My entire face was sore after the event from how much smiling and laughing I did during it all. We all had good laughs, talked about events of the wedding and if we had already set a date or not, and I asked April, Coral, and Saxon to all be in the wedding once we figured out the date. April said yes to being my maid of honour, and Coral as well to being a bridesmaid. Sen asked Sax if he'd be a groomsmen, and would later ask Troy if he would.

Hopefully Troy could come to the wedding.

Today was February 14th. Valentine's day. And what better way to spend it but being forced into working for a specific client I never wanted to see? Instead of spending my day with Seneca by ourselves and not having to do anything, I had to go and please some other low life who was so lonely on Valentine's day, they had to hire a hooker.

Real classy, and really mature.

Tonight was different than my usual nights of work, because I knew walking into it I'd be working alongside another worker like me. The special client asked for two of us to come and entertain him for a while, and while I have never done something like this before, I didn't really have a say in it all.

Besides Seneca and _another person_ , I'd never really been "pleased" myself from anyone. I hoped that they wouldn't think that way of me, because I don't think that would happen tonight. I'd put on a show like I always did, and pretended everything was special between the client and myself.

Normally, clients would either ask for a specific outfit I'd wear, or for me to bring some toys. I wore a black and red lace dress with a golden zipper up the back. My undergarments were a classic black silk and lace, with some extra buttons and straps to make the wait while I'd undress all the more anxious for the client. I didn't like hot pink as a colour for lingerie much because of these reasons, or the colour red for that matter. Lace was ruined for me as well.

My card was ironically to the same hotel that I had stayed in during my Victory tour. The floor and room number were different, but I couldn't help thinking back to that night I spent with someone other than my current fiance. The memory of thos hands on me, the heat of everything, how the entire night was an ultimate high. It was something to remember, but not something I wanted to.

If there could have been one thing I changed in my whole life, it would have been letting Finnick walk away the way he did. I should have either just chosen him at that point, or not let him leave the room. The we could have talked it out at least. I'm sure I still would have been with Seneca politically, but I know that a secret relationship with Finnick wouldn't stay very secret for long. President Snow knows everything, and we'd both be dead with our families the second that would happen.

I should have contacted him and explained everything I meant behind the words I said. He would be given the chance to explain himself as well. I could know why he got so upset when going into that situations we both knew what was at stake. Perhaps it wasn't too late for us at that point.

Strangely, my hands were shaking. nervous shaking. I hadn't had this happen since before my fifth client, where i really started understanding what I was doing. I had a reasonable excuse as to why: I was pleasing a client alongside another employee of the Capitol like myself. It made me nervous that I wasn't the only one in charge of this appointment. All the other times it was easy to pretend I was somewhere else or just to think of someone else. This time it would be someone doing the same thing I'd be doing, but to myself.

I didn't think that the managers of all the clients interested in this business would ever pair me up with someone I knew. However there were very few people I did know who were in the same business as myself. I knew of Shark, a Petra, and another face I didn't know the name to.

Shark was from my District, being a victor himself of the 59th games. He had been 15 years old at the time of the winter arena, and won because of his ice fishing skills and ability to keep warm. Only three other tributes made an alliance with him, and all of them died when a polar bear attacked their camp the second to last nights there because one of them forgot to hide their food supplies properly. He won on the default that he was the only one to survive that long.

Once I entered the business of pleasing people, I found out through clients who was who here in the capitol as well as who the other "providers" were in my field. I also found out about political upsets amongst the president's own high authorities and what exactly was done to them when they didn't agree with Snow himself. I'd heard there have been poisonings, hangings, and other punishments fitting to whatever crime they committed. They thought of never wanting to know my punishment plagued my mind often after that.

I got to the floor of where I'd be conducting my meeting with the others, and hesitated once more. Was I really cut out for this type of lifestyle? I mean not that I really had a choice, but was I really about to act like I was going to keep doing this until whenever? Will things like this ever stop? Will I ever get a happily ever after away from everything?

I wasn't given a room key, which told me I'd be meeting my client and fellow employee there in the room. But what bothered me quite a bit at how steady my hand was when knocking on the door. There were few muffled voices behind it, sounding more like colleagues talking rather than client and provider. The timbre of the man behind the door was familiar. It had a warm characteristic to it and for some reason brought me back. The Deep pitch in tone matched Finnick's compared to this man's muffled laughter. That memory pierced me like a needle to the heart. I should have never let him go. I shouldn't have let him in that night...

The door opened and I was able to catch a glimpse at my client for the evening and was grotesquely enlightened to see Callious Gold sitting comfortably on the scarlet and chartreuse bed spread. That pathetic and disgusting worm of a man - no.. He didn't deserve to be called man. He wasn't human, he was a _thing_. A virus. Something that needed to be exterminated and vaccinate from society. A thing that didn't deserve anything, not even life.

Not only had that man been my first client, but he was the one who began my absolute repulsion from this world. If all the people who lived here were like him, there was no hope for a better humanity. This man , in my eyes, raped me, violated every right I did so happen to have with this job, and laughed at my anger towards him. Someday I will kill this man. I'd kill him with my own two hands around his greasy fat neck.

I gave him the sweetest grimace, and just then noticed the silence that hung in the room. Something was off... Something was wrong.

"Well? Aren't you going to introduce yourselves?"

The ocean green eyes gave him away, and his naturally highlighted bronze-blonde hair was darkened by the shadow of the room and the look of horror on his face. Ice shot through me, and froze my feet. It felt like my hands were shaking violently and I could could only clench my jaw and bite my cheek to keep me from screaming.

Not him...

All I could focus in on was his breathing. It was controlled yet very rigid and spiteful. He closed his mouth and sighed a few times through his nose, the tension building. I still knew him well enough to read that from him.

"Oh, that's right. You do know each other."

Finnick swayed once more. I couldn't think about what I was doing, but grounded myself on the fact I could understand and study him. He was my rock in this moment. And I knew before he would do anything that he didn't plan on going through with this.

"Now, Since we all know each other why don't we get better acquainted on the-" Finnick mumbled something, cutting off Callious. "Excuse me?" He stepped closer to the friend in front of me. Finn wore the smirking mask he always had, but this time, let a bit of other emotions out.

"No." he smiled.

"To let you know, Mr. Odair, she is a usual." Finnick looked like he was about to vomit at the thought of pervious and regular exchanges between Callious and I. "And one of my favourites-" I controllingly flinched when he moved towards me. Finnick would see that and know exactly what this man has done.

"And you think it makes a difference to what I'm telling you? There will never be a day in any life, at any time for any reason in which I would violate this woman, in any way. Not only because it is morally wrong, something you seem to lack in the space between your balding head and fat neck, but because she of all people doesn't deserve this humiliation, Sir." Finnick stood in front of me slightly as Callious made his way closer to me. Both men stopped a foot from the other. "If you ever so much as look at her again, I will personally castrate you myself... Sir." Finnick on his games by seeking vengeance on every last career who killed innocent blood, pinned them with a net, and stabbed them clean in the head or heart to ensure a quicker death and quicker victory. He would have had his own ally win also, if they hadn't been stabbed the last minute by the final tribute Finnick had to kill. Finnick fought for the good in other people, even if it meant he was the one the world blamed or saw as sin's own image.

The broader, grosser man clenched his obese fists, and tightened his face in anger at my past lover's defiance. But he didn't put up an argument. There was no exchange after that. No "have a nice night" or even "goodbye, sir." fro either of them. They knew where the other stood, and that meant I was free from Callious.

Our hands were warm and strong in the others as we all but sprinted for the exit. Our combine footsteps rang through the hall in the silence. The elevator was quiet, all except the subtle jingle of cheap music filling the dead air. I still felt Finnick's hand on mine, and he never lost the same pressure on my fingers. I could feel a few more callouses on Finnick's hands and figured they'd be from his tendency to tie rope when he felt overly emotional or confused. It showed he had been this way more so than not.

It wasn't until we found my driver and car that we spoke again, but still nothing until I was halfway home.

"When?" He was asking. "When." His eyes looked up through his brow.

"T-two weeks after the meeting I had with Snow."

"Who..."

"Callious-"

"...that _fucking_ bastard..." Finn whispered under his breath. It was irrelevant whether he was talking about Gold or Snow, because both for the profane label.

I always had wanted it to have been Finn that took me first, but I still didn't regret what I did with Seneca. I was still happy with him, wasn't I? I was engaged, I was alive, I had a bright future in music and not hard fishing labor ahead of me, So what was it in my that was still missing? Seneca and I agreed that until we knew the exact fate of our children would be, we'd hold of from trying, so It wasn't the need for maternity for me. I had Seneca, so it wasn't lack of affection...

We pulled up to my apartment complex as I thought. _What was it?_

"I could care less about what brought you to the Capitol. I'm not shocked by you getting into a theatrical arts school, or that you have a stable relationship. All that matters to me is that you are alive, you are safe, and that no one ever lays a hand on you that you don't want touching you. Do you understand that point of view at least?" I nodded my head. "I have no real connection to you anymore, besides the fact we were both survived the games. So technically you can't judge my actions. I love you. I will forever and for always. But I swear **on my life** if anyone does anything to hurt you or do you injustice by any means they will answer to me first. **Me**."

"Finnick, you need to understand thought, that no one will hurt me so long as Seneca and I are together, and we will be. We plan to for the rest of our lives." Why was I saying this? Wasn't I just wanting to be with him and run away only those few months ago? I suppose my response was automatic. It was my mind telling me the logical and correct way to live my life. It was what was planned so it must be fulfilled, that way my future and my children's future would be safe and protected by the government who... Who tried to kill me. The government that killed so many classmates of my own and forced me to kill others myself. "You need to understand this."

"I do." For the last time tonight my eyes failed in trying not to meet his. Everything else in the world evaporating around him as he was the only good, beautiful, and safe thing I saw. "But you can't change how I feel, and you can't persuade me of not murdering anyone who treats you like Callious did. I will never interfere with whatever happiness you may find. Because, Rain, of all the people in my life, you deserve the happy ending."

A beat.

"Who is it they have pinned against you?" As he spoke this I couldn't help but think of this similar moment before I was airlifted to my arena to fight. We stood at the top of the Tribute building that morning, and I asked him why he was doing these same things in the capitol, and he replied that it was because he loved me. His declaration for what I changed about him and the things he knew he loved about me instantly, made me realize just then that I possibly felt the same in a minute way. "What are they using now to make you do the same things I do?"

I answered him without hesitation or a second thought.

"You..."

 _It was him missing from it all._

 _My Finnick..._


	26. Chapter 26

_**Chapter 26: Accidents Happen part 1**_

* * *

Was I going to die this time?

This wasn't a dream, yet recalling back on the events that took place, what I saw and what really happened all mixed up into one messy memory of screaming, glass, and blood. People say your life will flash before your eyes before you die, so was this me dying or simply trying to recall what was real and what was fake?

The day began as it usually did. Seneca Woke up next to me in bed, and woke me up with a warm, cuddling, hug from behind, slipping his hands around my stomach and down my bare legs, sending shivers down them and waking me up fully. I rolled over and snuggled back into his warm, cotton shirt, smelling him all around me.

This life so far and for the last three months have been even more perfect than before. Since that meeting I had with Callious, and the aftermath conversation with Finnick, my client numbers went down from roughly 4 every two weeks and 2 every other one, to about one a month and dropping entirely by the end of March. I was spending more time here at the apartment composing and not having to stay late at school or leave for a client at awkward times at night. It was quite pleasant.

Maybe because of my new status with Seneca, more people decided not to go for me, seeing that I was very unavailable now, and a scandal would ruin not only me, but them as well. Especially the bank owners, penny pushers, and movie stars, all with families and perfect reputations themselves. best of all, I never saw Callious after that, neither on the street or even people discussing him at all. He was flying just under the radar, but now far gone enough for him to be missing persay.

Lately Seneca And I had been talking about what we would be like once we are actually married. It was strange talking like this with a person I've come to know so well. Only for the fact it wasn't Grey. Since I knew him, I'd picture on occasion me walking down the aisle to see him there waiting, but that was only if we actually had those feelings for the other. He was just that close to me that I was able to see it happening without even feeling that way with him at the time. It was an illusion that somehow everything was going to fall into place some day and end up perfect for me. Someday.

That someday came closer than expected and with someone I never expected. Who knew that in just under half a year my life would change completely. I lost everything and gained everything at the same time. If it wasn't for the Hunger Games, I wouldn't have meet my future husband, been given my dream of producing music, or the possibility of having a stable and supported family, safe from the bad of the world.

As quickly and beautifully as those moments can come, they can leave you just as fast.

If not faster.

Seneca had a normal day's scheduled at work, so I thought it would be kind of me to pick up a few things and actually make dinner for him tonight instead of the usual ordering out, going out with friends, or having his maid cook us up something. He had a particularly broad palette when it came to trying new foods, however he would never pass up good old fashioned, deep fried cod and fries. I hadn't made it in almost a year now. It was a famous and homecoming meal I made whenever we had people over or a surplus in what my father caught that day on his ship. That and a few crab cakes, or "octi-pies" as April would call the bite sized pies I'd make if I caught any octopus that day, and the meal was set.

Finding a market where i could get fish and the other ingredients wasn't that difficult, however finding the freshest fish proved to be a challenge. I was used to preparing fish caught that same day, but all of these "same day fish" had to be a few days old, but just frozen and preserved to make them seem fresh. There managed to be some fish that was tolerable and the best to buy, but only after hours of searching, and my feet aching from the sandals I chose to wear.

Finding the rest of the ingredients wasn't actually that difficult, but it was carrying everything back to the apartment that proved the challenge. I couldn't imagine doing this someday while Sen was at work and having one to several children to look after all at the same time. That's why many women in the capitol had nannies for, but I wanted my children raised by me and in the exact way I wanted them to be.

Whoa. Children with Seneca? Was I thinking about these things too fast? We'd been engaged for a few months now, so if the subject hadn't already come up it should. And it had a while back in our relationship. We had discussed both of our dreams of children or not, and how to raise them, where to raise them, and on what morals. Since we shared the same beliefs and knowledge of how to conduct yourself, We knew our children would have a solid home to grow from. I wanted at least 4 or 5. Seneca was happy with any or no children. "As long as we have each other, our family is complete" he's told me many times.

Seneca came home a bit earlier than usual, just as I was about to begin the proper preparations for dinner tonight. Although it caught me off guard, It was probably for the better.

"What are you doing home so early?" I asked as he trotted past the kitchen. He has a slightly frazzled and exited look on his face, like he last minute remembered something.

"I was able to get off due to the premier tonight." What? Had he told me this before, I wouldn't have gone out and gotten all the food I did. Now the fish I got won't be a fresh, and I'll either have to get more, or deal with the fact I had smelly old fish to cook with tomorrow. I hadn't been feeling the best the past couple days, and knew I was just taking it out in the moment, but it was irritating either way.

"What premier?"

"Remember? the one that Gene from Gemini & Co. used my concept sketches in for their CGI buildings?" he stopped at the foot of the stairs taking off his tie and unbuttoning his shirt. "I texted you about it."

"Well apparently I didn't get it." I knew I hadn't gotten his text, but proceeded to check my phone anyways. "Nope. No message." Sen was still rushed looking but also discouraged and guilty.

"Shit, I'm sorry. Can you be ready in 30 minutes?" he ran up the stairs, making me follow after him.

"What the attire?"

"Black tie. But the press will be covering it as well, so you'll want to call Leo about what to wear-"

"He won't make it here in time to get me ready, and i'm fine on choosing my own clothing, thank you." I spat out. Something made me harsher than usual. I don't like it, but didn't feel guilty at the same time for sounding rude.

"I'm sorry to spring this up on you again. but I thought I had mentioned it a few months back?" His raised voice carried through the high ceiling of the living space from our bedroom.

"You may have, but I wouldn't have remembered it unless it was actually something you were planning on attending. People use your drawings all the time don't they?"

"Well, yes, but this is still a rather large event. I thought you'd be proud and want to come with me."

"I do! It's not that I'm not, I was planning on making dinner tonight is all. I event went so far as to find the freshest fish possible." he came back down the stairs with his business shirt off, and his undershirt untucked. Even if I was angry and upset with him, he still looked very sexy just now.

"Oh! I didn't know that. Sorry, hun." he kissed my forehead whilst looking for something light to snack on while he got ready. I assumed we wouldn't be eating for the next five to six hours, depending on the press coverage, when the preview of the film actually started and the exciting photographs and greetings with other business men I knew Sen was required to go through. being his date, I'd need to stay by his side through the event, or find some girlfriends to talk to while it all took place. It would be tedious and annoying to have to be around that many people for that long, but if it was just to see Seneca's name on the big screen as the credits rolled, it would be worth it.

There was a brief moment when I thought about telling him all about Finnick and I. These thoughts were starting to become more and more present as each day passed, and yet, I still held my tongue. It seemed like something I shouldn't speak about, considering it was the past, but it was also during and a major part of our relationship, Sen and I.

"What time are we needing to be there?" I sighed, giving up the useless battle, not wanting to worsen things.

"Five."

"And when is the movie premiering?"

"Officially," he air quoted this. Oh great, longer than even I planned for. "The movie will start at Seven thirty, will run for over 2 hours, and the Exiting interviews and Photo Ops. will be over by eleven or eleven-thirty. Probably later, if I want to make sure I see everyone." I sighed in protest. "And I will be ever so grateful to my one-day-wife who will come along with me and support me through all of my obsessions and accomplishments through life." His arms snaked around me and held me close to him. Breathing in his smell calmed me down from the anxiety of being around so many people at one time. Knowing he would be there with me and wouldn't let me out of his sight made it easier to say yes to going.

I was self prepared, but ready within the time limit needed for us to go, and thought my choice of dress and hair was substantial. Leo, Ementra, and the rest of my team would meet me there for touch ups and an overview to my own application, but thanks to Leo's "emergency kit" he gave to me, I had duplicates of exactly every makeup product he ever used on me to my own disposal. My hair up with a pin and curls along side my backless silver dress was simple, but still outstanding enough to make a statement as to who I was. Seneca has on a similar silver tie, so we would match standing beside the other for photographs.

I would half expect people to want photos of Seneca and I together as well as separate. We both had our own lives and careers, so different reporters and photographers would want different poses for their articles.

Silver, liquid eyeshadow; Matte-Black, liquid eyeliner; a soft nude, pink lip stain; contouring; and matching earrings all made my look even more fierce and made me look much older than I was. People many times saw me and guessed I was in my mid to late twenties. It was a surprise to them I was only nineteen. Especially those who compared outages. That didn't matter tonight.

The car came around the front of the building and Senec walked me out once I had grabbed my bag. It was a warmer night, so I didn't need a personal shaw of any kind, but feeling the slight cool breeze foreshadowed it would turn cold once night came. Seneca would lend me his coat if we went to any after parties. And besides. Things would heat back up once we got back home; I planned that much.

Neither of us could believe the traffic that night. It would take us normally 15 minutes by car to travel 20 blocks to the part of town where the theatre was, bit 20 minutes had gone by already, and we hadn't moved more than 10.

"Ugh. This wasn't in the plan." he tapped his foot. This must have been something very important to him that for whatever reason, I had overlooked. It pained me to see him so excited and not feeding of it in the exact same way. Funny how you can meet a complete stranger, spend a few months with them, and then know every which way they moved and thought without a doubt. Loving people, as strong of a commitment as it was, was also dangerous.

"Well..." I closed the barrier between us and the limo driver. "Since we've got this extra time, Why don't we put it to use, hmm?" And with that I hiked my dual slitted skirt up to allow me to straddle him in his seat. He seemed interested in taking my offer, however look around at the traffic.

"What if it suddenly clears up, and we only have ten minutes?"

"Then why don't we make it a good ten minutes?" The car jerked forward slightly and slowly began moving again, picking up speed with every kiss. With a snicker, and his hands running up my smooth thighs - I gasped.

The hair on my arms stood up before anything happened.

We were airborne within seconds.

Seeing what really was happening didn't register in my mind until I opened my eyes again. The black from the limo seat was beneath me, but it wasn't the high quality leather I remember it being. It had a horrendous wet smell and felt like comment. Asphalt? Why was I lying on asphalt?

A splitting pain shot through my head and the little details closest to me came into vision first. Red, yellow and black, white and silver and blue, more red, more red, more of that glittery colour - or was it glass? Glass, yes. Red, blood-

 _Blood._

Screaming pierced my ears, and rushing wind, and sirens. Were we near and accident? I tried remembering where I was and what I was doing just before, but until I could see around me more, nothing came to mind immediately. I knew I had been in the car with Sen, but then this?

The earth flipped from in front of me to behind me, and that's when I felt gravity finally take hold of me. I was lying on my back looking up at the skyscrapers around me. Yellow coated men rushed around me like giant bumblebees collecting honey. And I was the flower. But if I was the flower, was I red? The yellow men kept gaining more and more red on their coats as they handled me and moved my arms into a position that wasn't the most comfortable.

"Get her... Soon she'll... The other pass... not breathing..." the rushed words rang around me as I tried making sense of it. But once it clicked, I felt my heart drop and lungs gasp for air, every feeling coming back like needles to my skin.

My eyes adjusted. I finally saw everything. There was a car accident, but it had been Our car involved with it. To my right I saw the blood stained, twisted and mangled mass that was once our limo. Near the stains of red was a lump of some kind with a white sheet over it. It was small enough to possibly be a child or half of a man-

 _Our driver._

The heap of flesh and blood was right where the driver's door was on the metal heap. A fire had just been put out, the smoke entering my lungs and making me choke. If it weren't for the oxygen mask the paramedics now had on me, I may have emptied my stomach right there. Luckily that oxygen did calm me down enough.

I looked around as I felt myself being moved and finally laid eyes on several other yellow coats about 20 feet away from me. More blood pooled around them. An arm stuck out from the huddle they made around that person. On the arm was a coat sleeve and cuff links that took the shape of crane heads.

Everything ceased to exist in this moment.

The paramedics were all running around his body, rushing to find an answer. A cure. A pulse.

 _So much blood._

One person moved out of the way for me to see the face of my fiance as the owner to that arm, just as the doors to my ambulance were closing.

 _Seneca. Please don't leave me..._

* * *

 **Thank you to everyone who has supported me throughout this story! I hope to not keep you all waiting so long, but again this story has taken over 6 years to gather and produce on my own! Thank you for your patience, and dedication once again! I'll be marking this story as completed, but I will update it as soon as the final installation is written:**

 **White Rain.**

 **See you all soon!**

 **-Miche**


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